By THE MAD PIPER
May 3, 2016 – San Francisco, CA – PipeLineNews.org - In grandpa's America, February used to be a special month, with the nation individually celebrating the birthdays of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. From what we hear, the little kiddies used to spend all-too-much time studying the history surrounding these two men and even cutting out their likenesses out of construction paper to bring home to mom and dad, back in the bad old days when dad kept mom chanied to the stove, barefoot and always pregnant.
But as America has thankfully become more progressive, that kind of nonsense is seldom seen anymore and the two birthdates are now celebrated under the much less offensive term, "President's Day."
Now, thanks to a massive and ongoing class struggle led by our "leading edge" brothers and sisters in the International Workers' Movement, the dawning of a new, more socially responsible consciousness has brought with it the understanding that when you really think about it, in many ways May, specifically May 5 – Cinco de Mayo – is far more important and relevant to the times in which we live. Now we realize that some of you might have been taught [probably in "those" kind of schools, you know the few holdouts that still teach that abortion isn't a sacrament] that these two individuals were great Americans, contrary to the real story about America as related by that great and beloved historian Howard Zinn...but trust us, the process of re-education on these matters is unfolding before our very eyes, which is quite exciting.
I mean really, isn't it obvious that old Georgie and Abe had all the advantages that life could offer, while standing on the shoulders of the black man?
First of all they were white...really white, like European snow in a world composed mostly of poor people of color. Second they were male, predatory and full of testosterone, undoubtedly part of the patriarchy and could thus use their white privileged hateful power relationships to get their way, oppressing the universal "other" with the yoke of economic and physical bondage.
But too many people know the truth today and to our great relief America is quickly being transformed into the "former land" land of the white man.
Class consciousness and wholesome thinking demands that we realize that America is the land of immigrants, millions and millions and millions of them. They come from Honduras, and El Salvador, and Chihuahua - especially from Chihuahua - tens of thousands from there, and that was just last week alone!
No, readers; America is not what your grand-parents might have told you it is!
No, that would be crazy talk because as we look out over the land, illuminated by the light of a new dawn, we see a city of gold on a hill beckoning to the poor, the downtrodden, the radical, the diseased, the illiterate, and of course the terribly misunderstood rapists and murderers, yes gentle readers, these are the "dreamers" and all deserve to be not only Americans, but VOTING Americans, a point about which we think you will agree in short order.
Viva la revolución, reconquistar Aztlan!
But first a word from one of our sponsors...
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Now for a multicultural minute...
The history of America is full of examples of enterprising immigrants who beat racism, sexism, ageism, onanism and the odds, to rise to the top of their professions.
Alphonse was such a man. He was often seen as a kindly individual and well respected - in certain quarters - in the Midwest, he made daily trips to City Hall, opened soup kitchens to feed the poor, and lobbied for milk bottle dating to ensure the safety of the city's children. Alphonse's family came to America in the 1890s flush with excitement over the possibilities in the new land.
Alphonse wanted so to be an American, and since Alphonse sounded like a girl's name, he changed it to just plain Al...Al Capone.
Al revolutionized his chosen trade, his drive, intelligence and will to risk it all paid off handsomely. At the height of his career he was reported to be making over $100,000 a week and employing hundreds of fellow immigrants.
Always pushing the envelope, Al eventually ran afoul of the Federal Government, they taking a dim view of his choice of professions. Eventually they succeeded in getting him to cop a plea for tax evasion and put him away for life. Just another case of the power structure's double standards and unfairness.
Speaking of unfairness, how fair is it to merely assume that all Muslim men are straight? Isn't it possible that many...well maybe even most of them, are in the closet to one degree or another?
Keeping this in mind and knowing how pent up sexual confusion can lead to anger and even extreme acts of violence, we debut a new feature:
Let's ask Hamid...
Q. We are talking to a very special person, Hamid Muhammad.
Mr. Muhammad is a member of Palestinian Islamic Jihad, as you can see he looks like a very serious individual.
Q. Hello there Hamid, you look tense. I can see the strain around your eyes. Tell me if I am wrong, but you look like you are not really enjoying life to its fullest.
A. Well you are indeed an observant fellow, my friend. I am indeed quite tense. Very, very, very tense. I don't sleep well and my stomach is always grumbling. If I can be honest...
Q. Please do Hamid, we are here to learn...
A. I feel like I am carrying the entire weight of the Islamic jihad on my shoulders, broad and manly though they are...
Q. It shows Hamid, it really does. Now how long have you felt this way, have you always been angry, confused and looking for Israelis to slaughter?
A. Well, no, not always. It happened gradually, I don't know for sure...let me think... Would you mind holding my AK47 for a few minutes? It's getting a bit heavy.
Q. Well...ok... Yes it is heavy...what's this?
A. [Hamid cuffs him upside his head] Don't pull that you idiot, you want to kill everyone here? Ok...ok...I must calm down...I must calm down... What did you ask me? Oh yes...No I did not always feel this way, maybe it started back in my youth, yes that was probably it. It began when my father found me in a stable, naked with the neighbor boy and two she-goats when I was thirteen, that was terribly embarrassing.
Q. You mean with the she-goats?
A. No, the neighbor boy, silly.
Q. I see...well in your culture that could certainly start one down the road to...as we say in the West - "being in the closet."
Well since you do seem repressed, to put it mildly, maybe we should start with something simple. First with your wardrobe if that is alright with you. Black on black, though very butch, doesn't allow you much a palette to paint with, Hamid. Are you game?
A. Yes, I am more than game, my friend, these fatigues not only look boring but they are scratchy too; we Palestinians have tender skin you know...what did you have in mind? I have always liked velvet and those little shoes that turn up at the tips.
Q. Yes, Hamid, they can be quite alluring, I think we can call this a breakthrough...
Immigrant Hall of Fame nominee...
Some men follow, others lead; and American immigration has seen examples of both. Few though have had the impact that our spotlighted individual has.
Born in the Middle-East, to desperately poor parents, our nominee clawed his way to the United States. A proud Palestinian, he was dismayed over American support of Israel, especially after the disastrous Six Day War, in which the tiny Jewish state handily defeated the armed might of the Muslim world.
Few men have had the ability to end a political dynasty all by themselves, but Sirhan Bashir Sirhan was such a man. Not only was he a self-made man but he was also an astute political thinker, who stood bravely for the idea that one man's freedom fighter is another man's terrorist.
When we heard the even then extremely Senior Senator from Massachusetts, Ted Kennedy, speak in glowing terms of the wonders of immigration, we could only think of Sirhan and then of Teddy and then of Sirhan and then of Bobby [and maybe also of Jack and Marylin, Jack, Bobby and Marylin, Frank, Marylin, Bobby, Jack and...err well...] who if true to his leftists principles most likely would have forgiven poor Sirhan for the injustice, poverty, religious bigotry, provided him with his very own government subsidized prayer rug and of course, access to a professional barber.
But alas...the 50s were a weird time for immigrants and the sons and daughters of immigrants here in the US of A.
People then were so judgmental and strict. Moreover, they had no appreciation at all for diversity, new ideas or freethinkers - not like today at all. Such was the case of Julius and Ethel, two young people who got caught up in the government's kooky Red Scare.
The Rosenberg's were idealists who sought a better way of life for all Americans. They understood the awesome power of the atomic bomb and simply felt that it was just too awesome for any one country to have all to itself. They were keenly astute, because they wanted to protect America from America, knowing that absolute power is a corrupting force.
Sure...some say that they were members of the Communist Party USA, but many others, in and out of government, were too. Many spied for the Soviet Union, but after all the Soviets were our World War II allies, weren't they? They helped us defeat Hitler, didn't they? Shouldn't our friends have had the very best weapons also? It only stood to reason.
But the starched shirts in Washington didn't exactly see it that way and eventually Julius and Ethel Rosenberg were prosecuted along with Ethel's brother, David Greenglass. They were hanged as traitors for espionage, though many academics still question the fairness of their trial and eventual sentence as having gone too far.
Talk about sending mixed messages to immigrants and putting a hamper on diversity!
Readers, at this point we are so gosh-darn multiculturaled up that we can hardly restrain ourselves from breaking into a verse from "The Internationale," but the editor is already giving me funny glances...
Now for a very special part of our multicultural celebration of diversity, cultural breakdown and incipient revolution please allow us to present the coveted:
ACLU Given Lifetime Achievement Award
Presented - in absentia - by PLN multi-cultural editor Vladimir "Che" Stalinsky, who unfortunately was detained last night, in a midnight sweep of Times Square, and could not be in attendance.
Vladdy did manage to send us this telegram however:
"Dear friends, I am happy to present the first annual "Jose Padilla Lifetime Achievement Award" to the American Civil Liberties Union.
Since the early days of the twentieth century, this great organization has fought for the rights of leftist thugs, revolutionaries and other desirable misfits.
The ACLU was founded in 1920 for the sole reason of coming to the defense of those unfortunates scooped up by the Federal government in what were later called the "Palmer Raids." For those of you too young to remember - or who were attending anti-war demonstrations when the man wanted you to be in history class - Woodrow Wilson's Attorney General - Mitchell Palmer's - raids were set up to deny freedom of speech to a group of minor league Bolshevik bombers.
Palmer was such a hothead, the explosion that destroyed his home hardly hurt him at all!
This restraint of the First Amendment clearly started the process that led to the Patriot Act - today's right-wing Christian Crusade against the religion of peace - Islam.
These raids further sought to harass simple peasant organizations, like the Union of Russian Workers and the International Workers of the World, who strived to make America a better place, joining hands - across the water - with that other famous Lenin, Vladimir Illyich.
Since its inception, the ACLU has been in the forefront of progressive thought, making sure that the Constitution meant what it should mean and that freethinking people could continue to think freely and act freely regardless of the popularity of their cause or the potential harm, loss of life or social dysfunction they might bring about...well as long as they agree with us...
So on behalf of PLN I want to thank you all for coming out tonight and wish that the New York rep for the ACLU would call me - collect - as soon as possible. no there was a perfectly good explanation as to why I was in the 5th Avenue House of Vintage Porn & Snack Shop. Can a guy forget to zip his fly every so often without being cuffed and frog-walked out of a perfectly respectable theater, in sub zero weather with Mr. hoo hoo uncerimoniously exposed to the cruel elements?"
Goodnight and on to our closing musical number!"
Well, gentle readers, all things must end and so too this excursion into the multicultural age, only a little time left for a brief musical hootenanny - please join in...take it boys!
THIS LAND WAS YOUR LAND
This land was your land, but now it's my land
From Mexifornia, to Ellis Island
From the redwood forest, to the gulf stream waters
This land's the perfect ride for me
As I was sneakin' across the border
I saw above me freebies in the cities
I saw below me not a thing to stop me
This land was made to take for free
I've roamed and rambled, still get my welfare
And a pile of food stamps and government healthcare
And all around me bi-lingual voices saying
This land's the perfect ride for me
You once were Christians, but now you think you're God
You once loved liberty, but now you feel that's odd
The sun was setting while you were chanting
This land was made to take for free
When I got locked up - on account of a little coup
My public defender called the ACLU
They found a friendly judge and now I'm free
This land's the perfect ride for me
But things were a changin' - In the shadow of the steeple
In the halls of Congress - I heard some people
Voice righteous anger and in a soft strong voice they promised
To make sure this land's for you and me
To make sure this land's for you and me
Now a word from Dan Rather, our spiritual inspiration as well as the gold standard in what journalism is really all about:
Take it Dan:
"Dear friends, I have fully examined this issue and found it in compliance with my high standards - forged but accurate. Please wash contents thoroughly before consuming, may cause irritable bowel syndrome, Loopner's disease or Pellagra. No CBS producers were fired during this production.
Side effects may include autotaxia, taxiphobia or phobic reactive phobia, if death results, reduce dosage and call FTD. George W. Bush is my friend, you simply have to believe me. We have a saying in Texas, "No question now, my career is rapidly reaching the point where I have my back to the wall, my shirttails are on fire and the bill collector's at the door, for good luck I won't taunt the alligator till I ford this crick, assuming the crick don't take to risin'.
Goodnight America, read PipeLineNews, you'll be the better for it...hot diggity ding-dang, this is makin' my fingernails sweat, yowza...yowza!"
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