Now It Can Be Told: One Year Later: Where Are “Barry and Michelle’s” Girls?

April 14, 2015 – San Francisco, CA – – “I abducted your girls. By Allah, I have the right to sell these girls as slaves…There is a market for selling humans,” Boko Haram leader Abubakar Shekau said with a diabolical smile. This threat was issued in a video message on May 6. Boko Haram means “Western education is sinful.” It is an extremely violent and dangerous African terrorist organization linked to Al-Qaeda. They demand the enforcement of Shari’a law in northern Nigeria and are against Christians and education for girls. “Kill, kill, kill, kill!” said the ruthless Boko Haram leader in another video message. Those he wants dead are the Christians, all of them. Unless they convert to Islam straightaway.

It was on April 14 that well armed Boko Haram jihadists stormed the village of Chibok in the northern Borno state. It happened in the night and it was very dark. They entered the sleeping quarters of the local secondary school and abducted about 276 largely Christian girls. Some fifty girls managed to escape.

About 130 abducted girls were shown in a video message posted on May 12. All of them had apparently been forced to convert to Islam and were wearing Islamic clothes and reciting Koranic texts. They were scared to death. Abubakar Shekau said: “These girls remain with us until the Nigerian government releases our brothers and sisters being held in various detention facilities across the country.”

The girls were probably hidden in a nearby forest, not far from the porous Nigerian-Camerounese border. Reports from people living in the forest “say Boko Haram fighters are sharing the girls, conducting mass marriages, selling them each for $ 12. One community leader explained the practice as ‘a medieval kind of slavery.’”

Wole Soyinka, a Nigerian who won the Nobel Prize for literature in 1986, told CNN that Abubakar Shekau is a “homicidal maniac,” the abduction of nearly 300 defenseless girls is a “monstrosity, it is Fascism.” It is not just “a Nigerian problem,” he said. I’m calling for the international community, the United Nations – this is a global problem. And a foothold is being very deeply entrenched in West-Africa.” [source, Emerson Vermaat, Islam and Sex Slavery, May 19, 2014,]

Immediately the WH went on the offensive to “find our girls.”

After consulting with top aides, his national security team and of course WH jester Valerie Jarrett, the president and his vp Michelle were visibly outraged [word has it that the president broke his second favorite putter over a bronze bust of Lincoln, from whom he often sought advice]. Immediately the order was transmitted to the Joint Special Operations Command (JSOC) that it launch the United States’ most fearsome weapon…the Twitter hashtag.

So controversial was the move, the World Court in the Hague was called into emergency session with many European nations objecting to “Obama’s ruthless disregard for the Geneva Conventions, international law and presumption of innocence on behalf of the misunderstood Boko Haram. This brutal weapon must not be used.”

But Team O pressed on, telling the august body to buzz off, as WH scribes feverishly Tweeted ‘till their fingers bled.

Despite this superhuman effort and controversial use of the TwitterBomb a year has passed and yet no sign of the First Couple’s girls.

Reliable sources indicate that both the president and his veep now believe they were mistaken at first, that the girls were never taken. Rather than being kidnapped and used as sex slave, the girls instead took advantage of a special travel package offered by Lagos Fun ‘n Fly Tours, a Boko Haram franchise [financed by Abubakar Shekau personally] and clandestinely spent the week in Disneyland where they were dazzled by a special performance of the animatronic Mr. Obama as he masterfully did a soft-shoe to the heart thumping Michael Jackson tune, Beat It.

©2015 LLC. All rights reserved. The above, though true, is satire, firmly grounded upon the now well established Rather Journo Standard, forged but accurate. No greenhouse gasses were expended nor were rainforests defoliated. Inquiries regarding Boko Haram franchise opportunities should be directed to the WH switchboard, 202-456-1414.