By A.H. Watson
I find it hard to sleep when important things continue to crowd my mind.
My new age psychiatrist told me it's best to share one's worries and phobias with friends. Since bricking up my wife in the basement, you Pipesters are all I have.
Where did the first chicken egg come from - why don't ducks have the desire to cross the road? My guy says, fry them up?. and stop worrying so much.
When your wife grabs a bunch of mixed greens from a container, throws them in the salad bowl - and you see, "Direct to your table from your friends in Chile." Then all you see is a bunch of weeds that some fat Latin has peed on. (I no longer have that problem?left it in the basement)
I worry about the mental and financial health of a nation that will go to a special store and pay from 4 to 8 bucks for a cup of coffee - flocking like geese to every new flavor or mix. The latest new "cuppa Joe?" They call it the "First Cup." It is a "half-half" with a raw egg and some mint flavored toothpaste floated on top. Supposedly the brew is for the go getter that doesn't have time for breakfast or dental hygiene!
Do you ever grab the milk from the icebox and start to take a big swig?then STOP. wondering if the milk might have spoiled over night? Don't laugh! That saved me back in '68. I will never forget that taste!
When I told Doc that I listened to Obama for two hours on FOX last night and didn't understand a damn word - other than the total cost was about a Jillion dollars! He said that was a good sign that I might not be completely nuts. Wish he wouldn't keep using all that high falutin' doctor talk on me.
My wife, before running away with the milkman (as the neighbors think), would remind me every damn time I went to the bath not to pee on the seat! We have four baths and a cleaning lady?. She had NEVER even seen my bath once we moved in. She spends most days on her side of the house trying to purchase enough, by phone, to fill the 2000' of closet space between her and 600' of bath.
I think the day she stopped speaking, except in the case of fire or needing a flower pot moved, was the day I replied that she no longer need worry about getting a spot of urine on a seat she had never seen?. I was now peeing in the tub to avoid just that!
Funny, in your average neighborhood, just how many women come out of the walls when there is a man home all day some days.Soon as my wife leaves (err - "left," heh - heh - heh) to do whatever it is that women do when they saddle up and wander off tired of pestering you - some ol' gal will show up with a dish for dinner she just happened to make too much of. Sometimes it is to set her watch ("Men do that soooo much better"). Hell, one even brought her poodle for me to feel a bump and tell her if it needed removing.
Compared to the young woman that goes for $1,000 an hour, this crowd would bring pocket change?ahh?that is if there were no silver coins involved!
But man, in his total stupidity, knows the corner bus will be green and come at 9:10 am. He also knows the unseen vee, at hip level, looks the same as it did the first time you played doctor forty years before. Yet, will still get a lump in his throat as well as other places if the gal wiggles too much or tries the "little ol' me " bit.
"Henny do you ever think if you hadn't married Leigh, or I married old Horace - that we?. would have ever done it?"
"No silly I don't mean MARRIED? you know ?DO it"
"Well Dottie, I sort of doubt it, since you just moved down here from Massachusetts six months ago."
I DO have a budding romance with my cute little pharmacist, though. When I ask, "How much?" She says $123.34 or some other number. I always say ? "How about $2,000?" Then she sneers and says not for $50,000 dollars on your best day - old man!"
I think next time I might use my big winner: "Are you as lonely as I am?" But I may warm her up a bit more before I subject her to such a killer line. Hell, she is only 24! I bet she has never been smooth talked like that before.
I actually started going to this "Head" doctor, as the result of my other "Head" doctor - my dentist.
My personal dentist is considered the best on earth. Hell, they call him to reconstruct the teeth of all them terrorists that set off the case of Dyn-o-mite just to get laid.
How good is he? He is so good that he is also the most expensive dentist on EARTH! Maybe this will give you some idea. He employees a retired HOOTERS gal just to pick up things he drops on the floor! He says it saves the patient money as she works cheaper than his taking the time to bend down and fetch the item his ownself.
His hands are insured with Lloyd's of London. They demand, when not actually in a patient's mouth, that both hands be encased in hard plastic foam lined gloves.
The whole time he is in your mouth he constantly complains about having to give up the normal life, such as lighting a cigarette, foreplay, or even picking his own nose - because of the insurance requirements.
My dentist's billing methods are somewhat different, as well. Each of his treatment rooms has a wall clock that spits out little brass tokens every minute you are in the chair. Each room has different rates dependent upon the work and person performing it. The hygienist tokens presently say 10; the dentist's say 100; the fitting room 20.
There ain't nothing wrong with the ratio?.it's the damn timing?. that it's all PER MINUTE!
My Dentist, 'Shakey' ? well, he can't help what all his doctor friends from dental school call him ? never comes into the room until all the help has done their work (and been paid!)
Hell, it is almost worth it! They bring him in on his little throne chair carried by four of his most nubile nurses. He looks over the work as the coins fall en masse out of the billing machine. But take a tip. It really doesn't get expensive until he asks about your family and tells you like "House" sometimes - it is key to the location of the filling that he will install NEXT MONTH when your bank account has had time to heal from this visit.
Several months ago, a friend of mine found oil on his 5,000-acre ranch and thought he had sufficient cushion to go to Shakey for some work. So he sent the Doc a case of rare Scotch that cannot be bought in this country ?had it shipped to Canada, drove over and sneaked it into the country.
Bubba said he had learned the trick from being in Africa and watching a native tribe handle the crocodiles. Seems when they wanted to cross a particular stream they would throw a goat in the water and while the crocks were busy; the natives would sneak across the stream above them. Worked like a charm until one ol' crock decided on his own that he liked the taste of Negro better than goat. So he would wait upstream and pick off the last native crossing the stream.
When he went back months later, the thriving community was down to only two Negroes?when he asked what happened, the lead Black said, " Hell, that is not my big worry." Pointing at the other native he said, "How am I going to catch a goat?. When HE is eaten?"
Do any of you remember the great little book about little truisms that both affect and effect the work place? such as:
"Any dropped tool will land on the only irreplaceable part of the new device to be installed."
"When dealing with three pronged electric plugs ? no outlet within reach of the place where device is needed will be a three prong outlet. But the room next door has seven unused three prong receptacles
"When standing over toilet, nose running, left hand actively busy, the right will find that the toilet paper roll is not only NEW but has been glued together by some anal retentive nutcase that keeps one from tearing without both hands and several curse words."
"When sitting on toilet it will be found that the only paper on the roll is the last piece and it has been glued there by the same psycho that glued the other roll. (Wife will be home in one hour ...if she doesn't get on phone in car.)" The old dull knife, tree, nail - and alone in woods saw.
Your wife who has been missing three weeks will enter the kitchen covered with brick and concrete dust - the very moment you take first sip from milk carton in refrigerator.
The bright side is that there will be NO need to call 'Orkin' for several months?.but you might keep the rescue squad number handy.
You will, over time, notice a few changes in your bride. For one: when she sees a mouse she will no longer shriek!!!! ??It will sound more like a "Yum-Yum."
She will insist that all the doors be removed from the closets and baths.
Some things will remain the same, however. She will continue to sleep in the fetal position sucking her thumb and shrieking should you inadvertently touch her.
No day is perfect unless your wife happily wakes with both a headache and cramps.
When you look around closely?. It is obvious that God is working bankers hours.
©2008 A.H. Watson, all rights reserved.