GREETINGSFellow Posters! NOW ACCEPTING PESOS. Welcome to yet another edition of the BUZZ FILE. Asking the question: "If a Republican falls in the forest, would anyone care?" Be sure to check out my new MYSPACE page. Yes it has been a while since we have talked, it isn't entirely my fault, I have been busy writing my new book....I Told You So, soon available in soft cover via Pipeline Press. The delay was in The Publishers' insistence that it be a pop-up book to better appeal to government school educated readers.....let's get to the news....WAIT.....I forgot, we have another of our associates coming out with the long awaited new collection of Romantic Tomes. .......Yes our own Akela is ready to release what he is calling, "a set of melodic meditations, set in limerick form about a well traveled young man aptly names Remis"............The year long PLN fundraising effort has certainly paid off and we are pleased to announce that your donations will help with the decorating of one of the rooms in our newly designed George W. Bush Library and Research Center. Ground breaking on the eight thousand foot split level facility will begin next fall in Juarez, Mexico.....Political news this week is all about the posturing of the Dem 08 pack.....Quote of the week goes to ol', always good for a laugh, Sen. Joseph "Plugs" Biden.......where find him referring to fellow Senator, and Dem Presidential rival Barack Obama [more precisely, Barack HUSSEIN Obama] as one of those "clean"blacks.....no folks you just can't make this stuff up.......well, I guess it's time to put on the show.....TUP
PIPELINE DIVERSITY TRAINING Understanding Islam
The BUZZ File is proud to continue it's long tradition of public service announcements. This month we take a moment to learn a bit about the Iranian culture.
The book Tahrirolvasyleh [translated as Tahrir-ul-Vaseela or Tahrir al-wasilah] is a work [in two volumes]authored by Iranian Supreme Religious leader Ayatollah Khomeini as a guide for Muslims. It was said to be written by Khomeini while he was in Turkey and later on in Naja. It is important that we, as truly enlightened multicultural people, embrace the diversity within our culture and learn to appreciate the rich mosaic represented by Islam.
?A man can have sex with animals such as sheep, cows, camels and so on. However, he should kill the animal after he has his orgasm. He should not sell the meat to the people in his own village; however, selling the meat to the next door village should be fine."
From Khomeini's book, "Tahrirolvasyleh"
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Joe Biden's Black Wash
Hi, Crazy Joe here and many of you are wondering about my recent comments referring to Sen. Barack Obama as one of those "Clean ones". Well, I am here to tell you it isn't by accident. At all of our "Joe Biden's Black Wash" we are uping our level of service to include detailing as well. It is one thing to clean these people up on the outside, but there is nothing like getting into the hard to reach spots. Let's face it, most of us liberals have a favorite Black friend or public official and we enjoy looking at him or her, especially when they are shiny and clean. For this reason, Joe Biden's Black Washes have grown in popularity ever since I opened the first one after meeting Maxine Waters and launched the first automated Black Wash, in 2004. A lot of people wash their own Blacks at home, but the convenience of an automated Black Wash and relatively low cost are a hard combination to beat.
- Self service - An open bay [the area that the Black sits inside] is typically used in these systems. self-service systems have a pressure sprayer and sometimes a foaming brush that is connected to a large central pump. The sprayer has a coin-operated dial system to select the option you want - "soap" "rinse" and "wax." A timer shuts the water off after a certain period of time, at which point you must put in additional coins if you want more water.
- Exterior rollover - A system that is growing in popularity, exterior rollover Black washes are automated systems where you take your Black man, woman or child inside the bay. Once your Black is in the correct position, a signal informs you to stop. At that point, the Black-wash equipment moves over your soiledperson on a track, performing a specific function, such as applying soap or rinsing, with each pass.
- Exterior only - This automated system is popular in the northeastern part of the United States, but is increasingly being found in the third world. You take the soiled Black into the entrance of a long, tunnel-like bay. and tie the person down to a special conveyor belt. The conveyor belt guides the process through the bay, where the dirt is washed off with several pieces of equipment, each with a specific purpose.
- Full service - A modification of the exterior-only system, full service uses the same conveyor-belt-based automated system. The difference is that the interior such as mouth and private parts is manually cleaned by attendants, and some exterior services, such as hand-drying, are available.
- Detail shop - A detail shop may hand wash or use an automated system to wash the Black. Then, attendants completely clean and polish the individual, normally applying wax and using a tool called a buffer to remove the wax and polish the skin. Detail shops are often able to remove dull skin and small scratches, steam clean the hair, brighten teeth, remove smoking tar and perform a variety of other services.
Dear Joe, I love your Black Wash, but can't afford to do it right all the time. Any tips for us wash at home guys?....Ted in Dover
Thanks for writing Ted. My staff has told me that during the winter Blacks sometimes go 3-4 weeks without a single wash. Right before a warm day I suggest a wand wash to blast off most of the grime. Then proceed to use the two bucket method, with 4 grit guards; 2 in each bucket. If you don't know what a grit guard is, or don't own one, GET ONE!www.gritguard.com orwww.usplastics.com is the cheapest route. They trap sediments, dirt, and grime in the bottom of the wash bucket so it isn't floating around in the water. I know you want your Black clean, but your going to have to make a decision which includes trade offs; inducing swirls in the skin by using a regular wash, stripping your body wax or sealant by using a a touchless system, or having a soiled Black and waiting till you can wash it properly yourself. Hope this helps, PM me if you have any other questions...Joe
Dear Joe, any thoughts about the new Lazer systems are are popping up everywhere? Pauline.
I had a customer who used to take a Black to one of the cheap laser wash stations . Then he started noticing parts coming off, rips in the skin, feetscraping, etc. Washing by hand with a chenille mitt or cloth OR Microfiber is the best thing to do is the only system we use at Joe Biden's Black Wash? premier station. I just think the pressure is too much and can be damaging and even Tyrone's Poly-seal wouldn't withstand that.. So after laser washing you'll be re sealing every time. It will actually save you money to come into your local Joe Biden's Black Wash? on a regular basis......Joe
Joe, I am worried about the environmental impact of using chemicals to wash Blacks. Do you consider this in your commercial stations? Jennifer
Jennifer, thank you for bringing up this subject. We feel it important here at Joe Biden's Black Wash? to educate the general public. My staff's research indicates that that the outdoor washing of Blacks negatively impacts water quality what with all the runoff causing pollution to enter the storm drain system. They tell me that outdoor Black washing has the potential to result in high loads of nutrients, metals and hydrocarbons during dry weather conditions [I have reported this to the EPA, mind you and am authoring federal legislation to deal with it, the Biden Black Runoff Act]in many watersheds, as the detergent-rich water used to wash the grime off of Blacks flows down the street and into the storm drain. Commercial Black wash facilities such as ours, often recycle their water or are required to treat their wash water discharge prior to release to the sanitary sewer system, so most stormwater impacts from Black washing are from residents, businesses and charity Black wash fundraisers that discharge polluted wash water to the storm drain system. Two surveys of households who wash their own Blacks in Delaware found 60% of residents could be classified as "chronic Black-washers," i.e., they washed their Black at least once a month [Paoli, 1996 and Hardat, 1997]. Between 70 and 90% of residents reported that their Black wash water drained directly to the street, and presumably, to the nearest stream. It has been estimated that 25% of the population of the United States may be classified as chronic Black washers, which translates into about 27 million potential residential Black wash polluters (CJK, 1999). For more information see Understanding Watershed Behavior, Article 126 in The Practice of Watershed Protection. ....Joe
SAN FRANCISCO VALUES
With the election of Nancy Pelosi to the leadership position in the United States House of Representatives, we sent our staff photographer into the Speaker's home district and shot the following images, which we call...."A Day In The Life of San Francisco." We consider this a tribute to the way the Speaker so ably represent's her district's world-class diversity
-SPEAKING OF MEXICANS -
pipelinenews.org is please to provide grant funding for our continued effort to bring art to the public.
- Personal Perspective -
Well, no I'm not. I guess that is the whole point of this editorial.
Somewhere along the line the days of a hard working man walking into a local bar after a long day in the woods, proudly swinging his axe into the wall and proclaiming "the only good tree is a stump" are long gone.
The same man today must first pass the outside 20 foot no smoking zone. Cautiously enter the bar and mentally calculate his body weight against his possible intoxication limit. Or, of course, bring along a cola drinking buddy. We are assuming here that environmentalists will leave some areas open to do manly things. And as for carrying an axe in public?..well, not to mention that he may offend a tavern patron with his anti-tree hate speech. Better off to keep one?s opinions to oneself these days if you know what I mean.
Now I am not suggesting we return to the good ole days where people wore a DUI as a sort of rite of passage badge. Kudos to the Mothers Against Drunk Driving on their victory. However, something has been lost.
Everywhere we look residents and businesses are either upset, apologizing, or muttering ?I?m sorry" all day. Bush is sorry he messed everything up.... so sorry the neo-cons were wrong. Conservatives are sorry they voted for him in the first place. Republicans are upset that Conservatives are leaving . I am sick of it.
Wait, I?m sorry, I shouldn?t have said that.
Last week I was poured a cup of Decaf instead of regular coffee in a local coffee shop. The waitress was, you guessed it ?sorry. Actually ?so sorry" if I remember correctly. I couldn?t help but sit there sipping my Joe wondering what that same waitress would say if she accidentally ran someone down in the street on her way home after the shift. Would ?really really sorry" do?
As far as I can tell, the only recent bright spot on this issue was the recent Methicillin-Resistant Staphylococcus Aureus that floated it?s way into various harbors and ports this fall. Now some of you may be wondering why I would seem to be in support of bacteria. Simple, as far as I can tell no one apologized for it.
Conservatives have always prided themselves on a sort of toughness. The whole bunch of us for that matter. Probably has something to do with the way the rest of the nations thinks and talks about us. A siege mentality set in.
Somewhere along the line that toughness has passed. We have let the political correctness virus into our community. More importantly, the silly notion that anything?.I mean anything?is better than possibly, even remotely, by some strange chance be even slightly misconstrued and hurt someone?s feelings.
The act of pre-emptive apologizing has turned into a hedge against a possible politically correct unintentional slip, or even the slightest possibility of perceived offense. So entrenched now is the notion that we are simpletons unable to form and act upon a conscious thought that I doubt anyone reading this can go a single day without uttering the words ?I?m sorry? or apologizing for speaking the truth. Try it, I did.
I am taking a stand. If you run your shopping cart into my back in a grocery store, throwing me arms flailing into a neatly stacked pyramid of number ten cans of Van Camp Pork & Beans, I want something more than a lame apology out of you.
If this editorial offends anyone, I am not sorry....TUP
Pipeline University - PU
PIPELINE News POLITICAL MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY
The Pipeline Natural History Museum wishes to acknowledge the staff and Herculean work of The Pipeline Ministry of Culture, Professor Phoenix in particular for his fine work as director of the Museum and for the Ministry's work in the field of bringing the culture of the Political to the Public. Students wanting to know more about the culture, history and customs of the region will find a wealth of information here -
The Pipeline Minister of Culture wishes to remind all citizens that danger lurks everywhere. Beware of people you do not know.....Always be prepared!
That's it for this time kids, tug on the ear to Erika and a good pour to our departed homie Linda....TUP
The Unknown Poster can be reached via regular email to pipelinenews.org with the word BUZZ in the Subject field.
FEBRUARY - B U Z Z F I L E
By The Mad Piper - the Unknown Poster is on assignment at Tenochtitlan.
February is a special month, in that we celebrate the birthdays of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln.
Now we realize that you all learned in school that these two individuals were great Americans, and that may possibly be the case, despite rumors to the contrary. But it strikes us that these men had all the advantages that life could offer. First of all they were white in a world composed mostly of people of color. Second they were men, full of testosterone - part of the patriarchy - and could thus use their power relationships to get their way.
But America is not just about the land of the white man, no.
America is the land of immigrants, millions and millions and millions of them. They come from Honduras, and El Salvador, and Chihuahua - especially from Chihuahua - tens of thousands from there, and that was just last week alone!
No, readers; America is not what you think it is.
It's that city of gold on a hill beckoning to the poor, the downtrodden, the radical, the diseased and the illiterate, yes all deserve to be Americans and we think you will agree with us in short order.
But first a word from one of our sponsors...
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Well that's what we be for, check out what ma man Hernando say below.
Yes sir, the friendly folks at Ndingo's can help you out. We have a huge stock of long knives, swords, daggers, axes, ice picks, kukris and of course Ndingo's famous machetes, including the Rwanda model which has been in very short supply ever since the UN Blue Helmets landed.
So for all your cuttin' or choppin' needs, stop by when you are in town or visit us online at Ndingo's.com, you will be glad you did, mon! Now be checkin' me homie "H" out, he hip, he bad, he use our blade.
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They big, they sharp and they scare people. Man, Bean Town cops be muy scared of us, they don touch Hernando or his hermanos, no way muchacho.
Now they gots me in Pelican Bay, not sposed to be here man, Pelican in California, but I'm here anyway. Like my tats? Ernesto here does 'em.
This the MS13 call sign, like handshake secreto but cooler. You make this, we know you are familia and we make sure you protected, comprende?
Hey Hernando talkin' to ya, got it? Listen to Ola'ewi, his 'chetes the best. Ask about volume discount, ya hear?
Now for a multicultural minute...
The history of America is full of examples of enterprising immigrants who beat racism, sexism, ageism, onanism and the odds, to rise to the top of their professions.
Alphonse was such a man. He was often seen as a kindly individual and well respected - in certain quarters - in the Midwest, he made daily trips to City Hall, opened soup kitchens to feed the poor, and lobbied for milk bottle dating to ensure the safety of the city's children. Alphonse's family came to America in the 1890s flush with excitement over the possibilities in the new land.
Alphonse wanted so to be an American, and since Alphonse sounded like a girl's name, he changed it to just plain Al...Al Capone.
Al revolutionized his chosen trade, his drive, intelligence and will to risk it all paid off handsomely. At the height of his career he was reported to be making over $100,000 a week and employing hundreds of fellow immigrants.
Always pushing the envelope, Al eventually ran afoul of the Federal Government, they taking a dim view of his choice of professions. Eventually they succeeded in getting him to cop a plea for tax evasion and put him away for life. Just another case of the power structure's double standards and unfairness.
Speaking of unfairness, how fair is it to merely assume that all Muslim men are straight? Isn't it possible that many...well maybe even most of them, are in the closet to one degree or another?
Keeping this in mind and knowing how pent up sexual confusion can lead to anger and even extreme acts of violence, we debut a new feature:
Let's ask Hamid...
Q. We are talking to a very special person, Hamid Muhammad.
Mr. Muhammad is a member of Islamic Jihad, as you can see he looks like a very serious individual.
Q. Hello there Hamid, you look tense. I can see the strain around your eyes. Tell me if I am wrong, but you look like you are not really enjoying life to its fullest.
A. Well you are indeed an observant fellow, my friend. I am indeed quite tense. Very, very, very tense. I don't sleep well and my stomach is always grumbling. If i can be honest...
Q. Please do Hamid, we are here to learn.
A. I feel like I have the weight of the entire Islamic world on my shoulders.
Q. It shows Hamid, it really does. Now how long have you felt this way, have you always been angry, confused and looking for Israelis to slaughter?
A. Well, no, I have not always felt this way. It happened gradually, I don't know for sure...let me think... Would you mind holding my AK47 for a few minutes? It's getting a bit heavy.
Q. Well...ok... Yes it is heavy...what's this?
A. [Hamid cuffs him upside his head] Don't pull that you idiot, you want to kill everyone here? Ok...ok...I must calm down...I must calm down... What did you ask me? Oh yes...No I did not always feel this way, maybe it started back in my youth, yes that was probably it. It began when my father found me in a stable, naked with the neighbor boy and two she-goats when I was thirteen, that was terribly embarrassing.
Q. You mean with the she-goats?
A. No, the neighbor boy, silly.
Q. I see...well in your culture that could certainly start one down the road to...as we say in the West - "being in the closet."
Well since you do seem repressed, to put it mildly, maybe we should start with something simple. First with your wardrobe if that is alright with you. Black on black, though very butch, doesn't allow you much a palette to paint with, Hamid. Are you game?
A. Yes, I am more than game, my friend, these fatigues not only look boring but they are scratchy too; we Palestinians have tender skin you know...what did you have in mind? I have always liked velvet and those little shoes that turn up at the tips.
Q. Yes, Hamid, they can be quite alluring, I think we can call this a breakthrough...
Immigrant Hall of Fame nominee...
Some men follow, others lead; and American immigration has seen examples of both. Few though have had the impact that our spotlighted individual has.
Born in the Middle-East, to desperately poor parents, our nominee clawed his way to the United States. A proud Palestinian, he was dismayed over American support of Israel, especially after the disastrous Six Day War, in which the tiny Jewish state handily defeated the armed might of the Muslim world.
Few men have had the ability to end a political dynasty all by themselves, but Sirhan Bashir Sirhan was such a man. Not only was he a self-made man but he was also an astute political thinker, who stood bravely for the idea that one man's freedom fighter is another man's terrorist.
When we hear Massachusetts' extremely Senior Senator, Ted Kennedy, speak in glowing terms of the wonders of immigration, we can only think of Sirhan and then of Ted and then of Sirhan...
The 50s was a weird time for immigrants and the sons and daughters of immigrants here in the US of A.
People then were so judgmental and strict. Moreover, they had no appreciation at all for diversity, new ideas or freethinkers - not like today at all. Such was the case of Julius and Ethel, two young people who got caught up in the government's kooky Red Scare.
The Rosenberg's were idealists who sought a better way of life for all Americans. They understood the awesome power of the atomic bomb and simply felt that it was just too awesome for any one country to have all to itself. They were keenly astute, because they wanted to protect America from America, knowing that absolute power is a corrupting force.
Sure...some say that they were members of the Communist Party USA, but many others, in and out of government, were too. Many spied for the Soviet Union, but after all the Soviets were our World War II allies, weren't they? They helped us defeat Hitler, didn't they? Shouldn't our friends have had the very best weapons also? It only stood to reason.
But the starched shirts in Washington didn't exactly see it that way and eventually Julius and Ethel Rosenberg were prosecuted along with Ethel's brother, David Greenglass. They were hanged as traitors for espionage, though many academics still question the fairness of their trial and eventual sentence as having gone too far.
Talk about sending mixed messages to immigrants and putting a hamper on diversity!
ACLU Given Lifetime Achievement Award
Presented - in abstentia - by PLN multi-cultural editor Vladimir "Che" Stalinsky, who unfortunately was detained last night, in a midnight sweep of Times Square, and could not be in attendance.
Vladdy did manage to send us this telegram however:
"Dear friends, I am happy to present the first annual "Jose Padilla Lifetime Achievement Award" to the American Civil Liberties Union.
Since the early days of the twentieth century, this great organization has fought for the rights of immigrants, revolutionaries and other desirable misfits.
The ACLU was founded in 1920 for the sole reason of coming to the defense of those unfortunates scooped up by the Federal government in what were later called the "Palmer Raids." For those of you too young to remember - or who were attending anti-war demonstrations when the man wanted you to be in history class - Woodrow Wilson's Attorney General - Mitchell Palmer's - raids were set up to deny freedom of speech to a group of minor league Bolshevik bombers.
Palmer was such a hothead, the explosion that destroyed his home hardly hurt him at all!
This restraint of the First Amendment clearly started the process that led to the Patriot Act - today's right-wing Christian Crusade against the religion of peace - Islam.
These raids further sought to harass simple peasant organizations, like the Union of Russian Workers and the International Workers of the World, who strived to make America a better place, joining hands - across the water - with that other famous Lenin, Vladimir Illyich.
Since its inception, the ACLU has been in the forefront of progressive thought, making sure that the Constitution meant what it should mean and that freethinking people could continue to think freely and act freely regardless of the popularity of their cause or the potential harm, loss of life or social dysfunction they might bring about.
On behalf of PLN I want to thank you all for coming out tonight and wish that the New York rep for the ACLU would call me - collect - as soon as possible.
Goodnight and on to our closing musical number!"
Well, gentle readers, all things must end and so too this excursion into the multicultural age, only a little time left for a brief musical hootenanny - please join in...take it boys!
THIS LAND WAS YOUR LAND
This land was your land, but now it's my land
From Mexifornia, to Ellis Island
From the redwood forest, to the gulf stream waters
This land's the perfect ride for me
As I was sneakin' across the border
I saw above me freebies in the cities
I saw below me not a thing to stop me
This land was made to take for free
I've roamed and rambled, still get my welfare
And a pile of food stamps and government healthcare
And all around me bi-lingual voices saying
This land's the perfect ride for me
You once were Christians, but now you think you're God
You once loved liberty, but now you feel that's odd
The sun was setting while you were chanting
This land was made to take for free
When I got locked up - on account of a little coup
My public defender called the ACLU
They found a friendly judge and now I'm free
This land's the perfect ride for me
But things were a changin' - In the shadow of the steeple
In the halls of Congress - I heard some people
Voice righteous anger and in a soft strong voice they promised
To make sure this land's for you and me
To make sure this land's for you and me
Now a word from Dan Rather - Dear friends, I have fully examined this issue and found it in compliance with my high standards - forged but accurate. Please wash contents thoroughly before consuming, may cause irritable bowel syndrome, Loopner's disease or Pellagra. No CBS producers were fired during this production. Side effects may include autotaxia, taxiphobia or phobic reactive phobia, if death results, reduce dosage and call FTD. George W. Bush is my friend, you simply have to believe me. We have a saying in Texas, "No question now, my career is rapidly reaching the point where I have my back to the wall, my shirttails are on fire and the bill collector's at the door, for good luck I won't taunt the alligator till I ford this crick" - Goodnight America, read PipeLineNews, you'll be the better for it, hot diggity dang, this is makin' my fingernails sweat, yowza...yowza!