By The UnknownPoster
GREETINGS Posters! Welcome to another edition of the BUZZ FILES. A safeplace to visit. A place where the worst thing you can catch from the opposite sex is "cooties". If you think Baseball cards in the spokes transform any bikeinto a motorcycle or are still using metal ice cube trays with levers...you areat the right place. Break out your Butch Wax and Candy Cigarettes and lets get going. ...brought to you this week by Miramax andtheir new release of SHAFT..........ANNOUNCEMENT.....It has been a year (where has the time gone) since we held ourPipebomb Survivor contest......It was such a success, that this year we will be doingPIPEBOMB FEAR FACTOR......we need three men and three women. A kit will be mailed to you. The following items will be required to be on hand at your location.....An 8/10 color picture of Hillary Clinton, A web cam, and a rubber glove......respond to the BUZZ with the word FEAR in the subject line.....SPEAKING OF ANNIVERSARIES.....the Buzz is a spanking oneyear old today. To celebrate, we have sent a roving photographer (Feral52) into the heartland and will be presenting a BUZZ FILE SWIMSUIT issue next time. Thank you to the many that send in the cards and letters andI hope you enjoy the TUP tee-shirt......BREAKING.....Bush to AP "I hardly knewKenny Boy".............MINI EDITORIAL....I'm just feeling a little blah. What with all the probs in the world....planes falling fromthe sky, nation building, it's a mess out there. Now I read that our "special" neighborsto the north are deploying troops in Afganistan. They steped off the plane in bright green shinynew green camoflage fatiques. Don't these guys have TV sets in Canada? I don't know....I just don't know anymore.......WELL, now I'm depressed again, how about a joke you can still getaway with at airline terminals before we get going...."Two vultures board an airplane, eachcarrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only onecarrion allowed per passenger." ........I do want to remind everyone that we are working on an upcoming "Conspiracy Corner" piece here at the Buzz. If you have been, abducted, probed, toured a mother ship, used as breeding stock, put on display, or have first hand knowledge ofaliens living with us, please send in your narrative to the Buzz with the word "probed" in the subject line.
"I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed theslaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not aRepublican."
M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
MORE POLL RESULTSSex and Alcohol: - Apparently the average Pipebomber is aging.
25 % of you feel that A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.'57% don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 88% respond "I just can't drink the way I used to," replacing "I'm never going to drink that much again." ......57% indicated that their potted plants are alive, none of which was smokeable.
79% agree that having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd. 89% say that dinner and a movie is now the whole date instead of the beginning of one, the same percentage note that theirfriends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
THE PIPEBOMB STORY HOURWith Guest Reader Rev. Jesse Jackson
Hello chillen, gather round me while The Sisters Sing, and lift your eyes. It is with the greatest of pleasure that we are gathered this day, and so close to that special day of days, yes the remberance of the Doctor Martin LutherKing. Let us open our book and read our story now.
"Ah! George, is it you? Well, I am so glad you've come." [(Georgeregards her mournfully.)]
"Why don't you smile, and ask after Harry?"
I wish he'd never been born! I wish I'd never been bornmyself! Says George. Eliza strikes her head upon his breast and weeps "Oh George!"
"There now, Eliza, it's too bad for me to make you feel so. Oh! how Iwish you had never seen me -- you might have been happy!"
" George! George! how can you talk so? What dreadful thing has happened, or is going to happen? I'm sure we've been very happy till lately."
Waits a minute chillen. There seems to be a mistake. This is Uncle Tom's Cabin by thatWhite devil Harriet Beecher Stowe. This book has no place among the collectionsassembled here. I can not read from this book. Someone would please be so kindas to pass me another more appropriate choice from this fine library.
Yes, this is much better. We will read today from the collections of Father Goose. Let us begin.
"Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow"
Wait a minute. A white lamb. It does not have to be a white lamb chillen. Imagine the lambis a musky dark color as we continue our story.
"And everywhere that Mary went the lamb was sure to go"
The dark lamb went with Mary, not following her as if he was in servitude, but as an equal.
"It followed her to school one day, which was against the rule"
I can not continue with this story. Why would it be against the rule for a blacklamb to attend an institue of education with a white girl. This story reading is over.
We regret that the scheduled Story Hour with the Rev Jacksonhas been cut short. Please join us next timeas our guest reader Monica Lewinski shares with us the works of Walt Whitman...tup
POOH POURRIToilet Museum Opens New Delhi unveils the latest intourist destination in an attempt to lure travelers to the region. "We get about 500 visitors every month duringthe tourist season from November to January," Madhu Singh, spokeswoman. Picture........
I love the smell of elephant dung in the morning.
A lot of people are stunned by the aromas the first time they walked into the menagerie tent but I love it. Ialways take a deep breath the first time I'd go in to start work in the morning. It smelled like a lot of healthy animals to me. Actually, I helped to take care of all the smaller critters but the elephants dominated thescene, if you know what I mean. It was amazing what eighteen elephants could do standing in one spot all nightlong. But alas, this story isn't about me, I'm just a clown. You see we went big time several years backand stole one of the greatest animal acts there ever was and it is really his story, or is it a tragedy?Jungle Jeb's happiness, such as it was, revolved around his big cats. He was just four the day he learnedto crack a whip and knock a fly off a piece of game meat. It was the day he looked at life from the insideof a lion's mouth. Why?.Jungle Jeb always says??.."It was while inside a cat's head that I felt myselfgo dead calm, for at that moment there was no question what was going to get me -- was going to be thejaws of a lion, reeking of tartar and animal flesh going to rot between molars, and in this certaintythere was a warmth difficult to describe." Jeb trained by "gentling," hours spent sitting beside the cages, feeding the big cats hippo steak and horse shank, "boning" cages and throwing sawdust at thefloorboards for the tigers to spread around infected claws and clogged tiger pores.
But it' was Rosy, a Bengal he raised from a cub, who defined Jeb's rise and fall. She was the star ofhis show, leaping onto his back and rolling him on the ground in an act of controlled tension. The unknowingcrowds thrilled to the display of a trained tiger turned rogue. It was this act that put Jeb into thickleather. Jeb suffered a dozen serious maulings. In the worst of the attacks, he was trapped in mud withbroken limbs and a tiger leaning over him, chewing on his stomach wall. He lived, but only with years ofsurgeries and pain. Some here think Jungle Jim will never be the same, I thought so too?.that was until a pretty young high flyer with a big smile joined up with us.
With painted toes and made up eyes, Katherine slowly began her assent to the narrow cat perch. Handover delicate hand she climbed further into the rigging and felt the eyes of her new family on her."steady" she whispered , and pulled herself onto the perch. The setting was higher than she was used to,but the netting below gave her comfort as she released the locking clip and felt the cool bronze bar in herhands. Laughter below caught her ears and her gaze drifted toward the lone figure in the cat cage to her right. "Anytime Katherine!"?.the shout brought her back to her surroundings, and she threw a sneer towards the ringmaster.
Pushing gently with her feet she drifted slowly then with a practiced momentum, jerked the bar into a roll andreleased into a somersault barely catching the apparatus and exploding a cloud of rosin dust. All eyes werefirmly on her now and her heart raced with joy??all except the lone figure in the cat cage that was. "why won't he look at me?" she wondered to herself. Her practice continued amid shouts of approval from the acts practicing below her until it was time for her release. Standing on the bar, her arms outstretched, she once again glancedto the cat cage. This time it was empty, and as she twisted her neck to find the trainer, she fell.
Screams filled the tent as Katherine fell forward momentarily catching her foot onto the bar, and tumbled into the netting. The force of her body hitting the net threw her back into the air, arching her towards the cementfloor. Katherine curled into a ball and waited for the crash. "Well now?what do we have here?".Katherine felt herself safely landing in strong arms. Her arms instinctively wrapped around hisneck. Gasping, she found herself eye to eye with her mysterious cat trainer. "Who are you?" Katherinestuttered. "They call me Jungle Jeb", he thought for a second and added?"but you can call me Jeb".
NEWS HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2050
and now a visit to Alte Hawg's Kitchen..... "Nuoc Mawm is a sauce made from fermented fish and salt. In Thailand it is called Nam Pla. It isdelicious in soups and as a dipping sauce, with hot peppers cut up in it, for all foods. Next time you go to a Thai Restaurant, ask for some Pad Nam Pla and try it.Kim Chee is a Korean style of sauerkraut, that is highly seasoned with hot peppers, garlicand other seasonings. It is very healthy to eat, and even though the odor is string,delicious in flavor. Kim Chee can also be made from other vegetables like cucumber and the long white asian raddish. "
COOKING WITH ALTE HAWG
Little Joe -"In closing let me reassure you that I will get to the bottom of this matter, and speakingof bottoms have you seen Hillary recently? Oy Vey! The stitches on her pantsuits arescreaming bloody murder, another pound on that shiksa's tush and her belt buckle willbe in another time zone, I'm telling you." ................
- PIPE GEMS -
Opus (or more recently known as Trusty Smurf) - on the importance of balance in your diet - ..." Ithink a little diversity does wonders. Why do these liberal activists think we have the right to impose our values upon the Koreans? I mean, they like dog, we like beef.Would they feel the same way if the Koreans preferred rat? Or mouse. Actually, I think that live mice are a delicacy in Japan. Live, plump, squirmming, furry, footed mice eaten live. Now, in order to celebrate our diversity, I think we should introduce these exotic foods to America so that we can all share the wonder of othercultures. You go first"............DOGMATIC AWARD OF THE WEEKgoes to -TBNVictim "Ihappen to like dog stew while overseas. People need to mind their own business. Justthink how many people could be fed if we diverted dogs from the pound to the restaurant. "....Soylent Pooch?....a cage in the restaurant where you can pick your puppy?........Idon't think so, but I was wrong about the McRib too.....ON MONICA and her problems beinga national joke mgc1122 - "And I can't help but recall the joyous support offered by her parents after thisstory broke.They were so proud of their little girl who helped her President come to fruition ...... uh, wait. No.How about helping her President rise to the occasion? Ummm. Try again. Lemme ponder it awhile".......While mgc ponders....... war writes -. "Ifyou can't take the heat...don't take the meat".........and scooby on the importance of a good nights rest - "Oh yeah. And the average person farts 12times, and has 3 spiders crawl in their mouth while asleep. ....But I alwaysfigured my farting would drive the spiders off, so I never understood that. .... Not to mention, how does anyone get any sleep? I mean, all night long myeyeballs are rolling around (all that REM sleep stuff), I'm getting woodies, fartingmy brains out, swarms of insects crawling in my mouth, etc etc..".....no comment............This week's story problem iscourtesy of Djscoe- "Analyze the numbers though. The teacher's salary of $25,462 is spread out over 42 weeks (52-10 summer) and it comes to $606.The accounting salary of $30,919 spread over 52 weeks is $594. They get the option of finding asummer job (most that I know do) and they do alright for themselves.".....I can only do them if there are nuns on trains.........most OBSCURE post award ofthe week to: Tell Me Why- "The Marianas Trench, as deep as it is, is miles highrt up thanthe depths to which the dimmies will pander. What is next, benefits for NAMBLA type arrangements,someone and Mr. Ed or Lassie? What geedee perverts the dimmie crowd is and puleeze, nocompassionate horse puckety either.".....ok
....LOOK...I'm no prude, but the recent thread about opening thedoor naked caused quite a debate here last week. I think snuckin - Summed up many of the feelings and garners the revered BUZZ FILE POST OF THEWEEK - ."I guess it all depends on who it is answering the door. Now, if you stop by the Hildebeasts mansion to make a payoff, err..a donation...the answer is a resounding NO! .....Stopping by Britney Spears house, wellll"...
Dear Buzz File,
When I was a young girl I had twins and sadly had to give them up for adoption. I thought it was the best thing to do at the time and a decision I deal with everyday. They were separated during the adoption process. One of them went to a well off Muslim family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal" by his adoptive parents. The other wentto a very nice family in Spain; they named him "Juan." Recently, and out of the blue, myson Juan searched for me and sent me a picture of himself. I was shocked! I was very happy to receive it as you might imagine and cried for days and days. What Iwould like is to also have a picture of my other son Ahmal so I can frame them andput them side by side on the wall. It is really something I would like. Do youthink I should try and make contact with Ahmal and request a picture after all these years?....signed...Curious Mom.
Dear Curious Mom,
They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.
Well....that's about it for this time. I would have done more, but The Publisherrecently started a recycling program here. We were all behind it at first, but now we have quotas, and the searching for bottles, cans and such is taking more and more of my day. ...at least we all have carts now.... ....until next time....TUP
There is an extremely small but nonzero chance that, through a process known as "space warp," thisBuzz File edition may spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear at any random placein the known/unknown universe, including your neighbor's domicile. The Buzz will not be responsible for any damages or inconvenience that may result. The subatomic particles (electrons, protons, etc.)comprising this article are exactly the same in every measurable respect as those used in thewriting of other articles, and no claim to the contrary may legitimately be expressed or implied.Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," it is impossible for the reader to find out at the sametime both precisely where this ARTICLE is and how fast it is moving. The most fundamental particlesin this article are held together by a "gluing" force about which little is currently known andwhose adhesive power cannot therefore be permanently guaranteed. Despite any other listing ofthis article contents found hereon, the reader is advised that, in actuality, this articleconsists of 99.999999999999% empty space.
Under the Big Top
By The UnknownPoster
GREETING POSTERS! - After a short hiatus, the world famous BUZZ FILE is once again shifting gears, and like a 64 Ford with a bad clutch....lurching forward. If you are the kind of guy that puts an empty ice cube tray back in the freezer...well, youhave come to the right place. WHERE O WHERE HAS MY ERIKA GONE....OH WHERE OH WHERE CAN SHE BE?....Scheech...go away for a while and my fav spud eye (hey she was good for quotes) isno where to be found....could be that since we all recently found out that Mary Jane isn'tclassified as a narcotic up in the land of Furman......anyway...in the THESE PRETZELSARE MAKING ME THIRSTY department.....Pass The Frito Lay pretzels.....wait a minute.....Frito Lay.....Ken Lay....you do the math... war may have found thesmoking rolled bread stick with this recentpost.. KILLER PRETZEL....What's next,a report of someone running with scissors in the West Wing? ......it looks likethat GREG COLLINS is horning inwith movie reviews.....I guess the reviews are ok...but what about women in prison movies? ...or myrecent fav "Jeepers Creepers", the Citizen Kane of Texas Chainsaw Massacre knock offs....comeon Greg cut the artsy fartsy stuff and give us something we might actually rent....huh.....PROGRAM NOTE*** The 2nd Annual POT LUCK PIPEBOMBNEWS Animal RightsBBQ will be held in June, notice to follow......Rumor has it the "detaineeeees"down Cuba way will be put on 24 hour video and sold to Pay-Per-View to raisethe funds to house them...wait till OBL arrives and gets turned out as a lovePinata.......Viacom taking the lead.....well....the place hasn't changed muchand it looks like that desk stealing splinter headed Little Joe is gone (rumorhas it he is part of the Clinton legacy saving team) so it's safe to come back..I would like to welcome a new sponsor to the BUZZFILE, "Hands Free Phones"...a revolutionarynew low cost devise that allows hands free operation of your cell phone.......toke em if you got em and lets get going.....
Thank you all for responding to the recent email sent out from the pipe to better allow us to gauge our BUZZ FILE readership. We are publishing some of the data here......
54% of you have spent some time in a bunker during the last 12 month, 22 % live underground but do not classify your dwelling as an actual "bunker".
32% responded that they are "technical virgins" 8% of which were Pipebomb women.
99% responded that they support Al Sharpton as the Democratic candidate in the upcoming 2004presidential election. 80% say they will support Sharpton with financial donations....GO AL!
100% of Pipebombers responded that they have never had a "pretzel experience" and several side notes were attached indicating that the correct way to eat a pretzel is to suck the salt off first, thereby softening the pretzel.
Hillary Clinton leads the way with 86% in the "Who would you most want to explore S&Mfantasies with?" category.....Rosie O'Donnell garnered 1 vote.......(I'm watching you...that's sick)
"Jungle" Jeb Bush.................Katherine Harris
In a grand spectacular pageant of death defying feats, the drama of the prestigious performersplays out in their entrancing revels. Join our profound pageantry, beautiful dancing girls,towering tightwire tableau that brilliantly blasts the bold barriers of basic baffflement. Yes theworld famous Pipebomb Players present a bortherhood of bravery and spawn a savvy series of stunning strategies,provide devastating demonstrations of dangerous daredeviltry dynamically designed to daunt your disbelief.
COMING JANUARY 2002
A Circus parade will be going through the Pipe this weekend......
mgc1122 issues a BUY order withthe comment - "The economy is not as bad as expected and looks to be getting better. This is put up for comment for the it's the economy, stupid folks"....isn't he the same guy that was pushing ENRON? A while ago............... Daisymay on whatshe won't do - "Yes, I still watch FOX...but I turn the channel when Geraldo comes on.Can't stomach that man. I also will NOT watch Greta as I think she's one of the mostoffensive women on Television. Couldn't stand her on CNN...won't watch her on FOX either. "....Gretta and Geraldo, sounds like something your dog gets....... Alte Hawg onDiversity and acceptance - ... "Maybe that little Puerto Rican Faggot Singer - Rickysomething - will host the Maricon Mariachi Hour "......Alyssarah on ...on...well lets hope she isn't on anything - ."In Idaho, one is allowed to post while stoned too."....MEOW Aly.......High Noon ..ontreatment of the prisoners - .."I wonder if our Military has thought of this. Fill cannisters with MACEand pork grease and and use it to hose the bastards down when they offer resistance.Course, put the word out and set a couple of examples while they all watch. The placewould probably be known as Serenity Pond afterwards.".......BEST OBSCURE POST OF THE WEEKGOES TO - IowaHawk - "Enrongate: the internet porn spam of political scandals. They promiseyou live nude pics of Dubya, but it turns out they just Photoshopped his headon Robert Rubin's body."
- PIPE GEMS -
and the QUOTE OF THE WEEK....
From the Gay Channel thread.....hennypenny "Can't wait personally for them to launch "Dialing for Dicks" ..come on come on down "
DEAR UNKNOWN POSTER,
Okay.. I am @ a complete loss...... We got our cat ("CHELSEA") from a local animal rescue shelter last February... She was "fixed", & I have vet records. Her approximate age is 2+ years (a September baby)....Today, she whored herself, w/ a local (feral) cat, in my driveway, broad daylight, & apparently has been "doing it" non-stop, as they are @ it again right now. Now then... Her "boyfriend is *very* handsome, but I am trying to figure out (since she is fixed, & I've had no evidence of her being "in heat"), just *why* this is taking place. I cannot capture & neuter/spay all the feral cats myself (we are near a cove - there is plentiful food & shelter for them). Actually, I don't *mind* if she has a boyfriend..... I just need to know if it's "normal" for a fixed female to submit (she is *entirely* submissive, & this is the only guy I've seen her let near herself or the house in nearly a year). I'm not against welcoming him into the family, & getting him shots, etc (which worries me also)... Just trying to figure out if my kitty is trying to make giblets on the side?! They seem very happy, & "Marsh-mallow-head" (as we call him!) refuses to leave her side - he even let me touch him, first time ever, tonight, after months of being *completely* huma-phobic....Any ideas, ??? Also, Marsh-mallow-head is a *completely* white, medium hair, bright blue-eyed beast - is it true that white cats are deaf? Should I learn Kitty sign language??? -(;o)~Name Withheld by request.....* I know this seems like a ridiculous post, but I need to know in advance if Icould be an expectant grandkitty - provisions to be made, etc... If they're justhaving "fun", I'll be most relieved. I know we have many experienced catfolk here.
This nympho cat obviously has a serious self esteem problem. I would not besurprised to learn that she is hitting your booze cabinet as well. Seeking sexualgratification on the street as a substitute for what is missing in her life. Do notconfuse her submissive behavior for what it really is....a cry for help. Herdestructive sexual addiction cycle must be broken. It is nice to hear that you areconcerned about her cat-slut lifestyle, some would seek to profit from the situationthrough the call-cat or cat-porn industry. I am sure there are support groups youcould bring her to before her life spins out of control and she falls under thecontrol of an abusive garbage dealing tabby turning cat tricks with alley trash . I have discussed the situation with my cat, Jesse, and he very much wants tomeet her....do you have a picture? ....TUP
Until next time this is your Unknown Poster reminding you to chew your food before swallowing, word out and propsto the homies in Kandahar.
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