A Pipebomb Playhouse Production ©2002
NARRATOR: Chief Moose, having just inherited an upsidaisium mine in a mountain thatflies because upsidaisium is an anti-gravity metal, abandons his mining and with his constant companion Rocky, and fliesthe mountain to Washington to solve the dastardly sniper crimes. Thwarting them at every turn are those determined tojump his claim.....I would like, if I may, to take you to the lovely little community ofFrostbite Balls, home of the world's largest Mayonaise jar......And also our heroes, Rocky Ashcroft and Chief Moose!
[Dissolve to inside of cottage. Rocky, a squirrel, is frying eggs on a skillet,while the Chief, a moose, is watching TV.]
VOICE ON TV: I have never been a quitter. I am outraged that Chief Moose is unable to solve this series of crimes.
CHIEF MOOSE: (snapping off TV) Gee, Rock, I'm bored. The only thing on the tube is this Dick Gethard fella.
ROCKY: Don'tcha mean Dick Gephardt?
CHIEF MOOSE: Ahhh, I get all those used car salesmen confused.
ROCKY: Dick Gephardt isn't a used car salesmen!
CHIEF MOOSE: What's the difference?
ROCKY: Well, a used car salesman is an untrustworthy double-dealer who lies and cheats, andDick Gephardt is...uh, never mind. [Music starts.]
CHIEF MOOSE: Hey, Rocky.
ROCKY: Yeah, Chief Moose?
CHIEF MOOSE: I've got something to say.
ROCKY: Well, get on with it.
CHIEF MOOSE: I really hate the -- boring way We do the same old thing -- every single day.
ROCKY: Oh, Chief Moose! [Music swells up. Singing starts.] We have a major crime to solve, don't start singing!
CHIEF MOOSE: On Monday, I cleaned out my sock drawer .... Then I hung out a while at the shoe store.... Then read books on President Fillmore ..... What I'm trying to say is just... Oh Lord -- I'm bored -- miserably On Tuesday, I cleaned off the screen door ......Then read up on how pigs' feet get stored.....My whole friggin' life is a big snore .......What I'm trying to say is just... Oh Lord -- I'm bored -- miserably[Chief Moose drags Rocky outside of the cabin and points to the horizon. We see a signin the background: "Frostbite Balls: Home of the world's largest Mayonaise jar."]
CHIEF MOOSE: Hey Rocky, watch me test fire this AK74.
ROCKY: Oh no, please Chief, can't you do something else?
CHIEF MOOSE: Well then, why don't I pull a Tarot Card out of this hat instead.
ROCKY: That's not a Tarot Card! That's a firecracker!
CHIEF MOOSE: Ah! Fan mail from some flounder I guess....Siii-Roooo, Siii-Roooo, Siii-Roooooooooo.
ROCKY: But Chief, Peruian lulabyes don't work on a firecracker!
CHIEF MOOSE: They don't? Well then, what are we to do?
ROCKY: There's nothing we can do
CHIEF MOOSE: the firecracker is already beginning to crackate!
Will our heroes escape from the crackateing firecracker? Will they ever get to theirhourly press conference? Tune in next time for "Crackiat my Hat 2" or "Silly Squirril,Bangs are for Kids". ON TO THE NEXT EPISODE
NARRATOR:That kind of reasoning was hard to argue with, and our boys were soon out onthe road. It's true there were dark storm clouds -- heavy, black, andpendulous -- toward which they were driving. It's true also...
CHIEF MOOSE:Hey, Narrator, knock it off! You're gonna jinx us!
ROCKY:By the way, Chief Moose, what gave you the idea to have an adventure anyway?
CHIEF MOOSE:We have an adventure every week at this time, that's why.
[Rocky and Chief Moose are now driving down a deserted road in their beat-upold Police car. Rocky's driving, and Chief Moose in the back, strumming aukulele. "The sky is gray and cloudy".]
[Suddenly, we hear a loud "boom." Rocky stops the car.]
ROCKY:What was that boom? You don't think it was that sniper fella do ya?
CHIEF MOOSE:Gee, it must've been something I ate.
ROCKY:No, I don't think so. We probably just caught a flat tire.
CHIEF MOOSE:How 'bout that! And I wasn't even fishing for a flat tire!
ROCKY:Hey, Chief Moose, where's the spare tire in this car?
CHIEF MOOSE:You mean that big, black ring in the trunk?
ROCKY:Yeah, that's the one. Where is it?
CHIEF MOOSE:I ate it.
ROCKY:You ate it?!?
CHIEF MOOSE:Yeah. I thought it was an industrial-sized donut. No wonder it tasted sofunny.
ROCKY:Well, without another tire, this car isn't going anywhere. We'll have tolook for help on foot to get to the next press conference. Oh well, at least it isn't raining!
[Suddenly, it starts pouring down rain.]
CHIEF MOOSE:You had to say something, didn't you?
[The sun has set. Rocky and Chief Moose are walking down the road amidst thepouring rain. Chief Moose shields himself with a comic book. They come upona sign.]
ROCKY:(reading the sign) "Big Scary Castle, one mile ahead. Enter at your ownrisk! Tourists welcome! Ask about group rates!" Well, what do you think,CHIEF MOOSE?
CHIEF MOOSE:You mean I gotta choice?
ROCKY:I see what you mean. The audience would be disappointed if we didn't checkit out.
CHIEF MOOSE:(to audience) Hope you're happy, audience.
[They resume walking. Music starts.]
[Rocky and Chief Moose are now at the front door of the big, scary castle. Rocky rings the doorbell, which plays a funeral march.
CHIEF MOOSE:Gee, Rock, I don't know about this. Even the doorbell gives me the creeps.
ROCKY:Relax. We're the good guys. Nothing bad ever happens to the good guys.
CHIEF MOOSE:Oh yeah. I almost forgot.
[the door opens slowly.]
BORIS:(rudely) What do you want?
ROCKY:Uh, we just want to use the telephone. I'm Rocky, and this is Chief Moose. Our car broke down at the beginning of this cartoon.
BORIS:You're all wet.
CHIEF MOOSE:Of course we're all wet. It's been rainin' cats and dogs.
[CHIEF MOOSE is conked on the head by a falling cat.]
BORIS:No, I meant your sorry jokes were all wet.
ROCKY:Well, can we come in and use the telephone or not?
[A lightbulb appears over Boris's head.]
BORIS:Sure. If you're willing to pay the fee, that is.
ROCKY:You charge people to use the telephone?
BORIS:We've got to make money somehow. You're the first tourists who've come herein ages!
CHIEF MOOSE:Y'know, he's got a point, Rock.
BORIS:That'll be five bucks.
ROCKY:(reluctantly handing over a bill) All right, here's five bucks. Can we usethe phone now?
BORIS:Certainly. Right this way.
[BORIS leads them into the creepy castle.]
NARRATOR:And so, fate it seems had smiled on our heroes, Rocky and CHIEF MOOSE. Butwhat awaits them inside this maniacal mansion, this hideous hacienda, thisdreary dwelling, this...
BORIS: (sticking his head out the door) Enough already with these cornyjokes!
[End of Episode #1]
And now it is time for......
CHIEF MOOSE'S CORNER
Wee Willie's Winkie
Wee Willie's Winkie
Runs through the town,
Upstairs and downstairs
In his nightgown.
Rapping at the windows,
ROCKY: Wait a minute Chief Moose. The poem is suposed to be Wee Willie Winkie. Not Wee Willie's Winkie.
CHIEF MOOSE: Well that explaines it.
ROCKY: Explaines what Chief Moose?
CHIEF MOOSE:Why he needed his nightgown.
ROCKY: Why don't you do something else Chief Moose.
CHIEF MOOSE: Ok Rock, Let me just get out my crystal ball...."Eeeanie Meanie,Chili beanie, the spirits are about to speak!"
ROCKY: Oh Chief Moose.
CHIEF MOOSE: Hey! that's not until next week.
NARRATOR: Oh, sorry...... Rocky, Chief Moose, and the Butler are all standing in the dusty,cobweb-filled, oddly decorated foyer of the house. Ooh-pah band music can beheard playing faintly in the background.
CHIEF MOOSE: That's better.
ROCKY:Hey, we didn't catch your name.
BORIS:That's because I didn't drop it.
ROCKY:Now who's doing the corny jokes? Look we are on our way to our hourly press conference and need to get going.
BORIS:Sorry about that. Boris the butler, at your service...
CHIEF MOOSE:That sure is a strange name, Mr. Atyourservice.
BORIS:I'm a strange guy.
ROCKY:(noticing the music) Is there some kind of party going on here tonight?
BORIS:You've arrived on a rather convenient night, plot-wise. The master ishosting a convention of tourists from his homeland of Pottsylvania.
NARRATOR: Suddenly, Natasha -- a tall, thin, pale woman with long black hair --emerges from the shadows. She is dressed in a maid's uniform and speaks witha strange accent.
NATASHA: You're neat-o! He's neat-o! I'm neat-o! We're all neat-o! Ha haha ha ha ha!
CHIEF MOOSE:(to Rocky) Between you and me, I think she's more nutso than neat-o!
[Music starts. The butler opens a coffin-shaped grandfather clock to reveal askeleton watching Road Runner cartoons on a tiny TV set.]
NATASHA: How come goof gas not affect Chief Moose?
BORIS: Goof gas affect brain. No brain, no effect.
NATASHA: We just have to use secret weapon number 237.
BORIS: Plan is good Natasha, then we can get rid of Chief Moose and Squirrel.
NARRATOR: Seizing their chance while our heros are distracted by the TV screen, the dastardly fiendsset their evil plan in motion.
[A strange-looking light fixture is lowered from the ceiling.]
CHIEF MOOSE: Gee, we should get one of those for the house. It would make aswell reading lamp!
ROCKY: Oh, Chief Moose!
NATASHA: Boo hoo hoo!
ROCKY: Hold it, Chief Moose! That sounds like a lady in distress!
CHIEF MOOSE: So?
ROCKY: Gee, didn't you ever read the Hero's Handbook?
CHIEF MOOSE: I can never get past the picture of Janet Reno on the cover.
ROCKY: Well, Chapter Two says we should always help ladies in distress.
CHIEF MOOSE (to Natasha): Hi, there, lady! Are you in distress?
NATASHA: This dress, that dress, who cares? I'm distraught!
CHIEF MOOSE: Do we help ladies in distraught?
ROCKY: Gee, that woman must sure be something special.
BORIS: I've got news for you, pal. It's not a woman.
CHIEF MOOSE: Ya mean She's...?
BORIS:(depressed) He sure is. Believe me, I should know!
NATASHA:You're pretty lucky to be invited on the Master's behind-the-scenes tour. Some people say it's to die for!
CHIEF MOOSE:Gee, I don't like the sound of that.
NATASHA:Well, there's no time to complain. The doctor gets very impatient whenpeople are late for his guided tour.
[Rocky and Chief Moose are pushed into an elevator. Natasha closes thedoor and takes the elevator up to a laboratory. As the elevator arrives,Boris is dressed in a green surgical gown.]
BORIS: Natasha! Don't just sit there like a cold plate ofborscht! Get everything ready for our little demonstration. (turning hisattention to Rocky and Chief Moose) How nice it is to have visitors. Here,put these on.
[He hands them Mickey Mouse hats with ears. Rocky andChief Moose look at each other, shrug, and put the hats on.]
CHIEF MOOSE:I don't mean to be rude, but why do we have to wear these hats?
BORIS:You don't! I was just testing to see how gullible you were.
CHIEF MOOSE:How'd we do?
NARRATOR: Can Chief Moose out two step the twisted plan 237? Will Rocky and his keen fashion sence out wit thecharms of Natasha? Tune innext week as Chief Moose leaves law enforcement and buys a Western ranch, then discovers its livestock is worms. Things look bad, unlessRocky and Chief Moose can drive the worm herd to market just in time to hold another press conference! Join us next week for the nextepisode of "THE LAST ANGRY MOOSE" or "THE LOUSE ON 92ND STREET "