SPECIAL DIVERSITY CELEBRATION ISSUE


~ T H E - SEPTEMBER - B U Z Z F I L E ~



By The UnknownPoster

NOTICE: the BUZZ File will be converting all measurement references to standard EU metric starting with this issue.




Late Breaking.......Massive layoffs at FOX...MSNBC due to Kobe case folding.........CONSUMER ALERT.....in bid to reach into the Atkins fad market craze....Nabisco and Post cerials announce new line of breakfast fare...Spam Chex and Fish Loops coming to market soon... ...........Howard Dean linked to missing painting 'Scream"....named a person of interest...................... .Republicans urge undecided voters to stay home...not to slow down lines at polls......................... Michael Moore to enter 30-day recovery program as result of success of Republican Convention.....Hollywood celebrities in mass state of depression... ...........Martha Stewart has suffered enough....says Tommy Chong ..............BUSH up 11 points......Bin Ladin....Dashile deeply saddened.......... BUZZ FILE now on summer hours...........





GREETINGS FELLOW PIPERS!....and welcome to another edition of the BUZZ FILE. The Unknown Poster's here & reporting for duty!.....If you wonder why all the anti-war people are pro-abortion.......you are at the right place.....AND...if you really wonder why all the pro-war people are anti-abortion...you are definitely at the right place...... Not since MC Hammer Crab Danced his way across our TVscreens in his Genie pants have we been so excited here at the BUZZ. A quick note before we get started.......To stave off any future problems (that means lawsuits in PC Speak)....The Publisher brought in a Diversity Speakerthis week. We had a wonderful day and all learned to embrace our guilt. Mindful of this, you should all be warned that thecontent of this BUZZ FILE is being written by a White European of evil ancestry, please see the disclaimer below for further details...........WELCOME to a special edition of the BUZZ FILE. This issue we devote ourselvesentirely to the celebration of diversity. America, the symbol of the Melting Pot, great not because of it's diversity butinspite of it....no wait....let me look in the handbook.....Diversity the glue that binds us all together......before we get going a major story is breaking......President Bush hasdecided to form another Czar to oversee all of the other Czars... ......Dick Cheney has been tasked to head the search - and the selection committee - to recommend to Bush the new Czar of Czars.........the BUZZ wants tothank figowitz for sending in this pictureof of a recent Viet Nan Vets for Kerry meeting........there is some controversy thoughas AKELA points out "That's the editorial staffof the NY Times"......the BUZZ is investigating.......A quick word about my breakdown last month.....Ok I went off a bitlast time and quit. I am sorry. It's just that...that.... weevile infested little Joe Lieberman is a complete fraud and it gets to me. I mean who has hobbies of making anatomically correct ice sculptures and collects celebrity home arrest ankle bracelets...I ask you?...and.......why oh why do I still have to sometimes share a desk with him?...serenity now........speaking of hobbies we will be featuring here on the BUZZ next month PIPER HOBBIES....if you are proud of your hobby and wish to share, email the PIPE with the word BUZZ in the subject line.......Ok Pipers....breakout the dueling pistols and lets get going.....Hold on....it just wouldn't be right to continue without a short prayer. Recently a great many of our fellow citizens were banged up and battered pretty good.....a good old fashioned one twopunch and took a good pounding as a fury was released upon them........but enough about Zell Miller and on with the show.

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AFRICAN-AMERICAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS IN THE NEWS

Charlize Theron




...wait....I can't do this.....I am changing this month's special edition from Diversity to a SALUTE TO FRANK SINATRA........

* * *

Remembering Frank

By Hennypenny

We grew up different, Frank and I, different partsof the country, different languages - almost. His? A Street smart, almost guttural type of short talkconsisting of sounds not known by those out side his closely packed streets as a bonified language asspoken by most of America. Mine? Words equally misunderstood, a languid mutation of old English that drifted slowlyaway on any breeze that was about.

Had we spoken in those early years, I have little doubt that the majority of the words between us would have been,"What was that you said?"

Frank was the quintessential American proto-type, driven, by need to succeed? to the heights. Only to fall, reinvent himself twice, and die lonely and confused? doing the single thing that separated him from thehooligans and rift raft that had attracted him so long?sing the most beautiful ballads and love songs of this century.

Frank was my older brother, brought into my life by a older sister that would have died for him - and partially did each time he sang. Her room in the house was Sinatra time, all time - full time. Sheand her girl friends would disappear and not emerge till our father had mounted the stairs on the run aftercalling her three times to dinner. Much like Quail bursting from cover, the girls, skirts hair ribbons andbobby socks flying, would head for their own home as my sister could be heard to squeak? "Oh Daddy let us finish this one last record"

From the seedy Hoboken clubs, Frank had moved to Dorsey's band as their lead singer and between 19 40' and 42'become the first Teen Idol with a massive following of girls much like my sister and her friends.Between 1940 and 50' there was nothing bigger in America than Sinatra? other than that pesky war.There is nothing deader than a dead teen age Idol. By 1950 Frank could not have drawn a crowd jumping from the bridge over Hoboken.

Some say that the successful are lucky, and that may well be at times?. but not Frank. For three years Frank drifted toward obscurity, then in what must have been a difficult thing to do, tried out for, and pleaded for, a small part in the epic "From Here To Eternity." Trading on his past name, and his 120 lb body, the directorspicked Sinatra as the perfect sized person for the part. The rest is history.

Frank began to sing songs for an older crowd, the same crowd that had loved his music as teen-agers. Las Vegas Loungeperformances coupled with his own movie production (no more hat in hand waiting for OTHERS to decide if he could be in a damn movie) soon made Sinatra the richest and most powerful player in both Hollywood, and the Las Vegas scene.

The late fifties were my time with Frank. I would expect that most here over 55 years of youth?. still remember songs by Frank from those days?Days of courting, dancing, or practice for making babies.

Would my life have been vastly different with out Frank; most likely not, but somewhat?? perhaps I do know that it, eventoday, would have been a lot less enjoyable.

If he had just been a nicer person?but Hey! Look at Kerry and that prick can't even hum?

Song listor goggle up "Frank Sinatra song list" amazing what he did worth your peeking

* * *

DOWN MEXICO WAY

With Phoenix

I wanted to do a follow-up to the earlier pieceI did on cheap Mexican medicine. Something has changed and it isn't being widely reported...for reason.The abundance of Americans, mostly elderly, going into Mexico for health care isn't the bargain it was.A protection racket has formed.

The local papers here are starting to fill up with stories of American citizens being arrested in Mexico for filling prescription...that's right prescriptions. Heart medication, fungus creams.....you know regular old folk stuff.Recent reports in the newspapers led me back down into Nogalas Sonora recently as I tried to ferret out whatwas going on.

Sure the same amount of pharmacies are still lining the border, still the same kids out front trying to getyou in....although a new twist has developed. If you make it through the first wave of stores, grown men come out and point out what may be wrong with you. "Hey...you don't look so good, come in free sample try this"....that sort of thing.

I went immediately to my source of information for the town. The Pancho Villa Bar on Calle Obregon. My Spanish is pretty good and this is where the local merchants hang out. My favorite bartender, Sebastian Chang was workingand for a dollar it wasn't a long wait before an elderly well dressed local merchant joined my table.

Juan (not his real name) related that about two months ago the pharmacy racket developed. Not by organized crime...well sort of...but by the local police. He went on to relate that now an American must pay a kid to carry the prescription to the line at the border....the kid then returns and slips the cop half....otherwise, if you looklike you have any money and refuse this service...it's off to the pokey. Apparently this was the reason for the spate of arrests, they know it would be reported in the papers up north and the system was quickly established.

I asked Juan about how to buy medicine as now the American customs agents want to see a writtenprescription. Juan related, "no problem". Every pharmacy is staffed with someone who can write a prescription. Valium? I inquired...no problem again Juan explained. $20 for a prescription and $25 for 100 pills delivered to theborder to me. What about Oxycontin? I asked. ....you can guess the reply. About this time I started to notice that my table was getting a little too much attention in the bar from the other patrons and made a quick exit.

On my way out I decided to stop into one of the seedier looking pharmacies along the way, tucked in an alcove away from the full view of the street. I approached the counter and a boy of about 11 directed my attention to the front of the store. My personal physician was sittingthere nursing a bottle of Fanta orange soda and wolfing down a bag of something that I couldn't tell what ......at anold rickety card table with three legs with the other legless end duct taped against the wall at the front of the store. The table leaned slightly as did he. I didn't purchase anything, but can personally attest to the fact that so-called Mexican doctors are everywhere and more than willing to write a prescription for $20....you just tell them what youwant. ....just to show you all how absurd our drug laws and border enforcement is....if you try to bring more than a carton of cigs acrosswith you they confiscate it. There is no limit to the amount of 'prescription' oxycontin you can bring over.....say it with me....good grief.

"Defendants in Mexico are presumed guilty. That means you can stay in prison until an investigation determines there's enough evidence to prosecute. That can take up to a year. ",,,,,,it's good business to pay off the police.



LINKS TO INFO ON MEXICAN DRUGS

Bad Drugs
Mexican Drug Laws


(Publisher note: Phoenix and his "Border Crossings"column will be returning to the Pipe shortly as we roll outour new Blog feature)

* * *

PIPER PET PARADE


Ok look....I do want to thank the many Pipers who sent in pictures of their pets, but......some of them were just notappropriate. You can't keep women as pets and there is a difference between pet ownership and a bestiality porn collection.

MOST HEARTFUL PET STORY:...from the threads... SABLEFISH"My dog died four years ago I still have dreams where he is alive, and I am delighted to see him.. He spent fifteen years fishing withme and than he zigged when he should have zagged and I never saw him again..I might add he died as a working fish dog..( chasing seagulls away from the baited hooKs).. He was a fine dog and couldtell if somebody was a crook.. He would grrrr and huff at people that eventually cheated me.... Good dog..A great judge of character or lack there of.. Part pit bull and the rest alligator .. He provided me with the biggest teeth and theleast amount of body to feed .. He only weighed 60 Lbs.. Huge head.. He never met a cop he didn't like... He liked thecoast guard guys though...All I got now is a miserable cat that swiped some smoked salmon out of my car when I left the window down.. Now the damnthing wants three squares a day ..It never purrs.. It only youls for more free food.. Damn.. I like dogs.. but if I wasto get a new dog ..Sh*t they live 15 or more years.. The chances are that the dog would outlive me.. Then what wouldhappen to my dog? sniff.. sniff.. It's so sad.. I think I'll get a parrot.. They live for 150 years.. He or she willprobably not even remember me.Oh well .. Are they supposed to pay homage to somebody way back then..forgetaboutit...Nobody remembers nothin...We are dust in the wind.... It seems like somebody should write a song about that. "


CONTEST WINNER - Feral 52 for being the piper that has a pet that most resembles it's owner.



His pooch is named "Pad" .....Turn ons = American cheese slices, sitting on the Black Lab's head ....Turn offs = fireworks and CO2 pistols....we here at the BUZZ aren't sure if that relates to Feral or "Pad",it wasn't clear in the email.

Well, there was one other picture but it was too disturbing to print here in the open so you will have toclick on it.....Akela playing with his pet sheep

* * *

POLITICAL WATCH

BUSINESSMEN UNITED AGAINST GEORGE BUSH (BUAGB)

The Publisher here received a rather strange bit of news recently via Snail Mail and kicked it overto the BUZZ desk for investigation...no literally, he kicked it over. Apparently in Kansas City Kansas,the heart of Bush country, there is a revolt of small business owners against the conservative icon.

After initial investigation, the following can be reported as a BUZZ exclusive.

In late May two small business owners in a strip mall were sitting in Starbucks over a doubledecaf when their complaints were overheard by a few other tables. It wasn't long before the tableswere pulled together and a formal organization was formed. The group met weekly for a few weeks, untiltheir needs forced them to move to the meeting room at a local Dennys.

BUAGB is a group of small business owners firmly against the President and his re-election. I spoke withone of the founders, a Mr. McClain who operates a cleaning business.

Mr. McClain related that he hasn't had a day off in over two years, or "right around the time the tax cuts hit" ashe explains it. He further went on to relate that business just won't quit rising. Other quick statements byMr. McClain: "every month it is more and more, it just won't stop"...."I can't hire people and buy and equip trucksfast enough and there is no end in sight".

Others in the group echoed much the same sentiments. George Bush and his "damn tax cuts" as they all tend toput it, are cutting into their vacations, poker nights, even golfing. To a man they see no end is sight, onlymore and more business as long as GW remains in office. Perhaps Mrs. McClain put it into focus during one of myrecent conversations with her: "Walter was much happier before the Republicans came into power, now all he doesis work and is so busy opening the second location I'm not sure we will be able to go to the county fair thisyear. It is just awful and I am voting for John Kerry and crossing my fingers he will be able to slow businessdown. George Bush sure as hell won't!".

Although not organized as yet on a national level, the group has expanded into the neighboring states of Nebraskaand Oklahoma. The BUZZ is watching closely as the group pushes for a late October national ad campaign. Asanother member related to us "hey, we got the money to do it!"

* * *

CONSPIRACY CORNER




HENNYPENNY writes on the threads........"Kudzu was put upon the South to fester like so manyother things ...by the GD Government ...more precisely the Yankee Agriculture Dept.. Get this ...It was planted in thousands of places to "stop erosion" but NOooooo it won't put down roots onthe hard red soil so a field absolutely Covered with Kudzu will still erode even FASTER than before becauseyou cannot see it happening!! It killed many southern Farmer that rode a tractor in to hidden eroded gullies...there would have been more ..but Mules were smart enough not to fall in... "


Our Conspiracy of the month is once again brought to our attention here at the BUZZ as a result of a posting by SABLEFISH (go figure) regardingthe FEMA plan to round up Mexicans should they pour over the border and put them into government run camps.......


(note: The following information was sent in anonymously to the Pipe as an addendum to thisgathering interest story....one must ask....where there is smoke.....TUP....)


Democrats - Beware The Coming Holocaust!


The sharp minds at Sia News may be on to something.

Item: Domestic secret "refugee" camps are being set up by FEMA.

Information has been leaked to us that not only is this true but, in a chilling flashback to late 30's Germany, the Bush administration is preparing to "re-educate" the top 10,000 Democrats immediately after his November 2 election blowout of team Kerry.

Marked for the process, which an unnamed FEMA official terms "Partisan Deprogramming" are familiar names -aside from losers Kerry/Edwards - which reads like a liberal's who's who - Ted Kennedy, Terry McAuliffe,Bill & Hillary Clinton, George Soros, Michael Moore, Helen Thomas, Zack Exley, James Carville, Mary BethCahill, Judy Woodruff, Bill Moyers and others.

In a yet still highly classified secret report, the American Psychiatric Association has made thedetermination that the Democrat Party is a cult and that is executives and political operatives are in a state of mass psychosis so severe that it could seriously jeopardize national security.

The camps are distributed throughout the United States - amidst flooded backwater bogs in the Florida Keyes - inLouisiana, on restricted Federal property - in Nevada and Arizona, in huge steel reinforced concrete bunkers and in Kansas, hundreds of feet under the omnipresent corn fields.

Additional sources from inside the pharmaceutical industry have confirmed that powerful anti-psychotic drugs are being developed and warehoused to administer as part of the re-education process, which is being called Project Time-Out.

Eight elite guard divisions for the camps have already been assembled, made up entirely of former Green Berets,Black Ops specialists, disgruntled members of Russia's Spetsnaz and even operatives from the French Foreign Legume.

Deployment of this approximately 2,500 man force is set for October 1, at which time the camps will unofficially be made operative.

We will, of course continue to follow this stunning development as the situation demands.

* * *

- PIPE GEMS -


High Noon - on understanding women...." She's (Teresa) probably just horny and frustrated. She should go home and plant and set out some flowers. I've always heard that a neat yard with loads of flowers is a sign that a frustrated womanives in the house. I've checked out a few and it's true." ........look for Nooner's new book coming out soon..."MeMan, You Woman"...... THETRUTHSQUAD- onHurricane Charlie - "Maybe there is a side benefit here, maybe the old dumbasses who vote donkey tickets willforget how to get back to their homes and decide to stay in NY where most of their worthless crinkly butts came from..........Jebby should call out the national guard and set up IQ test stations as they try to drift back in........... "..........no comment......HIGH NOON - on theimportance of a healthy diet - "Most of my evening meals thru the week consist mostly of okra, onion, bell pepper, eggplant, tomatoes and canteloupt. Course on weekends I may have a meal with a meaty tasty to it. "...........canteloupt?.......
..


RANT OF THE MONTH: (on drugs)
SABLEFISH - "I've beensmoking dope and drinking beer for forty years.. I hate other drugs except coffee and nicotine.. I am not about to change.. For instance if I am playing pool.. If I don't have a beer in my belly and a puff in my mind.. I can't hit shit.... Same way with playin' music.. I am so used to having a buzzon that without it .. I am not myself....O.K you can saythat my real self is not expressing itself as efficiently as it could if I had not a buzz... .I can not affordpsychotherapy.. and I have found a way of dealing with my psychosis.. MY total expenduature on alchohol is $3.23.. per day .. pack of smokes $3.84..camel filter box..per day.. 1 grams of weed per mo.. $20.. I don't go to bars and don't sleaze around on my old lady..I am unmarrible... Total vice cost per mo.. $ 252 spent on vice... If I had invested that money in the stock market for the last forty years I would b a millionaire many times over.. But I got and still get to play rock and roll and have a great life.. So It was worth not being a cheapskate andinstead having some fun in my life. I hope you understand".....ya, we get it just quit Bogarting thethreads.

HONORABLE MENTION RANT OF THE MONTH: (On Bush vs Kerry)
Jeaniebean".....if you think they're the same, you need to read more....they're not the same. Look at Bush's ranch. It's notpompous...not fancy...certainly not the norm in Texas. Kerry's homes....or should I say his wife's, all 6 of them look like a shoot from Metrolpolian Home. FOO FOO stuff. That difference alone is a HUGEdifference, cause it shows you what is important to Bush, and what's not, and all that Kerry cares for, since in the 20 years of being a senator you can't say he's on the cutting edge for change. He'drather stay home with his butlers, a glass of $500 wine in one and brie in the other ....Kerry wantsto be president for the TITLE not for the work he should do while in there. Listen to his policies...oops...he didn't say any! He hasn't said ONE THING on what, and HOW, and how he's going to figureon paying for it etc. HE RINGS HOLLOW BTW, It takes 1/2 of Ohio's farms just to FEED Michael Moore! And he's not getting any thinner, so there will be an increase in '05 in farming revenues! " ....beanie is sharking her wayright up...golf clap!

AND OUR THREAD QUOTE OF THE MONTH.....(maybe the year)....
MIZZ LINDA -"We have battened down the hatches and now awaiting Charley. Looks like we're in for a big blow here, gang......... ".....hehehehe


MAIL BAG


Dear Unknown Poster:

My husband is a rotten liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the very beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job three years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and bullshit with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter moved out he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints to everyone that I am a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed, Clueless



Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore -- you're a United States Senator from New York now.



That's it for this time kids, next month is our Special Election issue. Pipers are encouraged to send in letters on theirfeeling on the election issues to the Pipe for publication with the word BUZZ in the subject line....until then dobedobedo....TUP


DISCLAIMER - .....If an erection should last more than ten hours after reading the BUZZ FILE, give this lovely a call.............

...Disclaimer continued - current events, when viewed through the prismatic effect of this column may look more insidious than normal...chill, PETA, no Monkoons were harmed during filming, although one Womvert was permanently bent...avoid anular contact...reject the real deal, accept all substitutes...all offers in effect...may not be combined with smokeless powder...void where not applicable, applicable where not void...may require some assembly - phylacteries not included...hardhat required...

PipeLineNews Presents - Buzz File August 1, 2004
 
 
 


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~ THE - AUGUST - B U Z Z F I L E ~



By The UnknownPoster


Late Breaking........French President Absolves Pope in Private Ceremony Involving Much Cheek Kissing.........CONSUMER ALERT.....AKELACO Herbal Essense Fleadom Fighter Dandruff Shampoo with Aloe is being recalled.....do not dispose unused portion in fire or trash ...........New game show to debut on NBC.....'What's in Sandy Berger's Pants"....hosted by Wink Martindale............ Lost Mars Rover Found during FBI search of Berger's lake house................ .Bush warns- ketchup to reach $20 dollars a gallon if Kerry elected....................Berger frisked on way out of Kerry Campaign Offices.....staplers, copy toner found... ...........Kerry-Edwards deal sends Randy Johnson to Dodgers ........... U.S. begins hoofprinting Canadian cows at border ....Arabs ok to pass...........



NOW WITH HALF THE CARBS*.....Greetings fellow Pipers, assorted infidels, learned amateur pundits, California girly men, and general rabble rouses. If you secretly wish Al Sharpton was a republican .....well , you are at the right place. ..... !..... if you can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television and don't sweat petty things.... or pet sweaty things...you aredefinitely at the right place..... Before we get going there is an announcement. The recent Pipe Las Vegas or PipeStock 04, was so successful that planning is in the works for an historical trip to Gettysburg. Many have expressed a desire to reinact Lee's surrender to the glorious brave fighting men in Blue of the Union Army as a trip highlight....more info to follow......we here at the BUZZ want to thank FERAL52for sending in the great picture of his recent fishing trip......... Holy moley lock the door and break out the Y2K rations.......the world is coming to an end. I turned on the TV recently and Bobby Fischer and Martha Stewart are headin to the pokey.....Rush is a junkie, Ah-Nold on a stamp, Bush is in trouble with his base (boy is he) .....and......wait for it......somehow the idiots of Massachusetts are in charge of the liberals...whoops...they aren't liberals anymore they are PROGRESSIVES....... Good grief.....MA......Bean people are deciding the fate and future of the Democratic party. For those who have never been to MA ...ohnever mind. As of today Teddy and Big John are carving up the nation. I had a nice baseball analogy written and that cow Hillary had to swoop into my head...... Speaking of cows, ....remember...if you stop eating beef due to the Mad Cow scare...only the cows win.......Hillary Clinton. (Picture me here sucking air through my teeth). ..... but I really don't want to spend our time here on the democraticprospects....WAIT I ALMOST FORGOT, ONE MORE THING......BrEaKiNG............Rumor has it Big John and Little John are doing acurtsy rendition of "I'm a Little Teapot" at their oh-so Dem fund raisers. Big John sings and Little John does the teapot dance ..........Lots of activity here on the Pipe with the new political hosting feature The Publisher is offering. Goths For Bush have become quite active and recently wroteus that they have registered 15 people to vote. .....hey, at least they are doing something. We contacted their leader...sage?... Lord Pomaratin, and he was kind enough to send in one of his poems about Bush:

stolen emotion
what have you done to me?
a smothering indistinctness of blackness as perceptions shudder.
once I tasted nothing, hand in hand and glad-hearted
but thirst vanished
a deadened throng of conservative agony filled me
thoughts follow memory, follow pain, politics torn apart
in a haze of righteousness, i reject others and embrace you.....lord pomaratin

.....makes you think doesn't it........There is so much else to discuss........Rumors have it our fav Buzz babe J-Lo has been seen bumping the nasty with ex Diddy P, no wait....Daddy Puff.....you know who I mean. Ben was off doing the pro-mo on the doomed to straight to video PAYCHECK movie...ya, right, like that statue knows what a real paycheck is and wasn't getting the jobdone....kudos to Benny boy for keeping his mouth shut at the Sox/Yankee game this week....at least he knows when and where to spew his celebrityopinion........rumor has it J is feeling eggy.......anyway.....major feature coming here soon on something the tabloids only wish they could get their hands on......and it's bigger than J Lo's back end in a car sidemirror....one last announcement....with the legalization of gay marriage now the law of the land by default of our gutless congress and senate, (such a lame government it makes Trent Lott look Conan like doesn't it)...... the BUZZ is looking to feature the first married Pipe gay couple in our next edition. If you are gay and have fallen in love with another Pipe poster of the same sex, please contact us. ...sorry, notransgendered, bi curious cross dressers or pre-op transsexuals please. Women in post-vaginal reconstructive surgery will be considered on a case by case basis. We are offering a substantial prize to the lucky couple. In the event more than one couple contacts us, a panel of judges will decide the winner based on the following criteria: 1. Overt gayness factor, 2. Swimsuit photos. 3. Talent. .........lets start theshow!..........wait.... ......I just can't do this without breaking thecode of silence here and spilling the beans...... I have had it...... This will be my last BUZZ file. I'm through. That lazy sack of mildewed sawdust Little Joe Lieberman went missing last week and soon after came intothe office this cheesy picture of him in front of a sheet and a note that he had been kidnapped by a rival on-line newsforum that is threatening to de-noginize him. This place is going crazy sending money all worried and everything...scheech....doubling my workload and his stupid notes are coming in from Acapulco! .......I've had it.

TOMMY CHONG IS FREE AT LAST!

* * *

COMING SOON TOpipelinenews.org

ThePipeline Astrologer

A servicefor Conservative star watchers

Phoeadamas theRepublican Sage

TheQuatrains of Phoeadamas:

32. The king will want to enter the new city,
Through its enemies they will come to subdue it
Captives liberated to speak and act falsely,
King to be outside, he will keep far from the enemy.
Garden of the world near the new city,
In the path of the hollow mountains,
It will be seized and plunged into the Vat,
Drinking by force the waters poisoned by sulfur.

To this:

The king known as kerry will want to enter the new city,
Through its enemies, the purported party of the people,

they will come to subdue it.

88888

Phoeadamas is aqualified political astrologer: not only did he graduate from the NostradamusCorrespondence School of Vienna, but he once ran into the Amazing Kreskin in LasVegas. But even with these qualifications, you follow his advice at your ownrisk. His opinions are his own and although thousands flock to his publicappearances, your individual star guide should be followed exactly. Youcan write Phoeadamas and for a small gift offering, a specific Republicanchart can beprepared just for you...and no one else.

ContactPhoeadamas

phoeadamas@pipelinenews.org

* * *

NOONER'S PICKLE BARREL

......Pull up the checker board and set a spell.....

"A local druggie did something similar but lived to talk about it. Seems the power company cut off the power to his girlfriends house due to lack of payment. They cut the power by disconnecting one end of the fuse on the high side of the transformer. There's 14,400 volts there. Well, he was gonna be a hero so he backed up his pickup to the power pole, extended a 20 ft aluminum ladder to the transformer, reached up with a metal crowbar to push the fuse back into it's clip. The jolt knocked him off the ladder to the ground, breaking his back, both arms, etc. Also tore holes in the bottom of his feet where the current passed through to the metal ladder. He's currently in a Dallas hospital unable to function. Doctors doubt if he'll ever walk again or be more than a vege. "

* * *

MEETULRICH

I'm sitting here trying to figure out a way to introduce thisguy. It is impossible. He has been making a name for himself in anumber of areas lately and started showing up here about the same time SatanistsFor Dean was forming and those Goth kids invaded the Pipe. We contacted him about a month ago and asked if he would sort of write hisstory. It came in last week from Germany.....hand written no less and the paperstunk of stale beer. It is way too large to post here so I called ina favor and The Publisher has agreed to post it on Pipe Proper. We tookhis picture off of the CD cover........trust me.... just click on it.

* * *

EAT MORE CHICKEN

With Bah Lee

Ok, you listen and you learn now. Bah Lee tell you already but tell you again here, you all too fat. Not make good decision when fat. Bas Lee was going to give you recipe now but you first need chicken. This week we get chicken.

First you need happy chicken. Not chase around yard all day. You get tired, chicken get tired and not get chicken. Like that Mr. Kerry. He want to run around yard and catch terrorists. Just get tired and terrorists get away.Get big metal rod from house and bend top. Make a handle to put over leg. Not your leg, chicken leg. Now you stand in one spot and get chicken. Bring chicken to you real slow. See, easy. Maybe get two, I don't know.

Take finger and feel hole of chicken. Girl chicken, no need feel boy chicken. Three fingers too many, mean chicken lay eggs. Who would eat chicken that make egg. Only stupid person. Person like that Martha Stewart. She have all that money and still want more. Eat chicken every day. She eat money chicken, no more money egg.

Time to put chicken in cage for later.Time to kill chicken. Easy way to use sharp "rock" Bah Lee like do outside on wood. Not use firewood, make house smell later and not use round wood. That important.Take hand and pull chicken arm down. Take all feet too. This make chicken head and eyes stick out look just like Jesse Jackson. Now hit with rock hard. Cut head all way off and save for later.

Ok, this good time to take chicken to tree and let blood feed tree. Make strong tree.Ok. Make hot fire with boiled water. Strong like seed of Jimmy. Jimmy put baby in Bah Lee, father try to make baby go but seed too strong. Put chicken in water and take off feathers. Save feathers for later. Cut up chicken and eat. Eat all you want. Easy to get more chicken.

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ASK RODOLFO

Advise for the love-lorn

....Many of you will remember the story last week of a drunken Filipino farmer, Rodolfo Poprras in the town of Manapla Phillipines who nailed his wife's mouth shut. AND beat her to death in front of their children. In the spirit of liberals, realizing that Rodolfo is the victim here, there was such an outpouring of support for Rodolfo, that the BUZZ staff contacted the Reuters author who put us in touch with the lawyer for Mr. Poprras. He was so touched with the support that Mr. Poprras has agreed to participate in a marital advise column here on the pipe. Thank you to all the Pipers who sent in questions last week to be forwarded.

" Rodolfo, I am a regular poster here at the pipe who likes both Filipino women and American women and I need advise. I am dating two girls. The first is a small Filipino girl with big ta tas and the other a hot redhead who I like to jog with. I hear if you have sex with A Filipino girl she wants to get married right away. I don't know what to do. Can you help me make a decision?."

Frustrated in Denver

Dear Denver,This not very difficult request. It hard to understand how Filipino girl have big chest without implants. Grab them hard and squeeze to check. If she give trouble try holding a bic lighter under her hand. This calm her down fast.Ok decision. Easy. Take American girl. Filipino woman always talk talk talk. Not shut up. Talk all day and all night. No peace. You want quiet girl you take American woman.

NOTE: There is a bunch more butlegal is holding back on letting me post it. Watch for a new Pipe Featuresoon....TUP

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POOH POURRI

Drudge writes this week "Former president Bill Clinton defends his embattled national security advisor as a man who "always got things right," even if his desk was a mess. ".......Come on Matt......let's all take a walk down memory lane.......

The Ballad Of A Man Named Bill

Well dere once was a story 'bout a man named Bill

Da poor president couldn't keep his willie still

Den one day he was workin' at his desk

When in walks Monica and shows da boy her chest...

Boobs, that is. Two of 'em. Bodacious ta ta's.

Well da next thing ya know, Monica is on her knees

Mouth open wide and as happy as you please

Bill sez, "oh yeah now-don't say a thing"

"If you do a good job then we'll have a little fling"

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CONSPIRACY CORNER

In a recent thread post, Rosie writes: - " Sandy (Berger) might have been looking for Chinese documents because Kerry was most likely going to use China as a hammer against Bush. Since Berger lobbied on behalf of China, among other crooked deals, he had to get rid of the evidence. Clinton wounds would have been re-opened, too. I think Kerry is behind this. ...Of course, Hill & Bill could have set him up for a fall...Kerry, too! "

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MARTHA WATCH

I know many of us here on the Pipe are keenly following this drama. Perhaps Martha will reach out....be sure to keep up with "Climbing the Walls" magazine and watch the posting boards at Women Doing Time.

Our BUZZ source inside Danbury (yes we have a source) tells us that Martha is strictly white hands-off...not by the bulls and screws, but the top tier inmates, or 'peaches', see her as a golden ripe piece of fruit and her bunk mate a prized assignment. The 'Latinas' may be a prob as there is talk Martha doesn't treat her help all that good...payback....look for late night cleaning parties with the domestic diva the belle of the bathroom ball..... we are told already there are payments and a few pillow fights going on behind the scenes. Theory is, if she likes you ...you can get money out of her....but you have to figure out a way to get close toher.....BUZZ EXCLUSIVE: - forget the kitchen detail we have all be hearing about, the fix is in for another assignment with a juiced inmate. Not a bad plan if you think about it....bring your check book Martha...you will need it. If you want to talk to a Danbury chick...it's easy. No, you can't just call and ask to talk to one, it won't work, but here is a hint.....get lost in the extensions....like most prisons....inmates (wo)man the phones in the offices....and they love to talk.

FCI Danbury

33 1/2 Pembroke RoadDanbury, Connecticut 06811-3099

203-743-6471 Fax: 203-312-5110

Lets see if we can't start learning a bit about Martha's new Danbury friends from some of their letters......

Inmate # 92095-020 Alice Gerard ...... or perhaps Jessica Carr inmate #91389-020

Pipe Book Club Selection Of The Month: WOMEN BEHIND BARS....(previously published as "Caged Heat"...a true crime classic by Wensley Clarkson...the best-selling author of Slave Girls!

 They were once sweet little girls-sugar and spice, and everything nice. Now they're cold blooded criminals, behind the bars of America's most dangerous prisons-hardened women doing their time. How and why did they cross to the dark side? What makes women kill husbands, lovers, family, innocent strangers and ex-presidents, maybe? Step aside and meet:

Patty:the prison beauty slaughtered her mother, father, and little brother afterfalling in love with an evil Svengali twenty years her senior.

Michelle: She lovingly tends the flowers on the prison grounds. Only those whoknow her best know how she kicked her husband to death.

Cynthia: A typical St. Louis girl--until she met a jailbird and embarked on amurderous rampage worthy of Natural Born Killers.

Author Wensley Clarkson has used his unique, unlimited access to some ofAmerica's toughest prisons to reveal the shocking world of femalecriminals--from their illicit love affairs to race relations, prostitution,protection rackets, drug smuggling, and more....Plus: what happened to notoriouscriminals Amy Fisher and Pam Smart? Now their tawdry lived behind bars arerevealed.

NEXT TIME ..we will be reviewing several WomenIn Prison movies.

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PIPE GEMS

TTS on has-been divas -"Ronstadt hasn't had a hit in 30 years......I dunno if she lost weight or not but I hoid she was fat as a hog......which is too bad because she used to be beautiful.......the music bizz is chock full o her type....if they would just keep their stoopid mouths shut no one would care.....i couldnt care less what their personal political beliefs are but if they are gonna start spouting them then that is gonna piss people like meoff"...ya but she looked so good in hot pants and rollerskates..........Badeye on fate -"Martha has bigger problems than going to jail after being convicted in this trial. Just wait and see what happens when the Civil Trial begins. This is the trial where her insider trading will be laid bare for all the world to see." ....Martha laid bare? Oh my!........ TheTruthSquad - On Global Warming -"even if one accepts the junksci global warming as fact, its like .5 degree, ya there is increased CO2 (how the hell do ya do a subscript in html???) but there is absolutely no proof that it comes from human activity, I say its mostly from flatulent mooses, meeeeses and cowses.....and of coursedonkeys"..... What about Hillary?........ Poly Sign ON THE FUTURE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION -"It's about time that those across the Pond started to get it. Tony Blair gets it. Now if he can just drag the rest of the Euro-fools' heads out of the sand, the rest of Western Civ. might have chance. Speaking of Western Civ., remember when the students at Stanford were chanting, "Hey, hey; Ho, ho; Western Civ has got to go". They got their way with the class, and we, as a civilisational ideology are pretty close the edge of that same figurative cliff right now. The burden rests on us to see that that anti-Western ideology progresses no further. We (Western Civ. and Christendom) need to get off the collective guilt trips, such as that exemplified by the Pope's recent round of breast-beating over the Crusades, and adopt the annihilationist mindset of our...dare I say it?...mortal enemies within religion of Islam. To do any less is suicidal. And for heaven's sake, Dubya, dump that "Islam is a religion of peace" pap, because itisn't".......well, that pretty much nails it........

And our quote of the weekPILL - on Martha "For a more mature woman she still retains a certain animal magnetism... Kinda like those animals Nooner said are some farm boys first date....ROTFL Moooooooooo! sooooow eheeeeee.!!

MAIL BAG

Dear Unknown Poster, I recently upgraded my Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure I received from AkelaCo that you recommended in your last BUZZ File. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker- night 10.3 and Beer-bash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me?

Pulling my hair in Holden Beach,

Dear Hair puller,

I wrote AKELACO customer service, maker of both software products, and received the following:

"This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than original system. Look in your manual under Warnings - Alimony / Child Support. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lockup occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very highmaintenance"

Well that's all for this time Pipers....yo yo yo...peace out....TUP

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And...if you aren't high-brow enough to appreciate the BuzzFile........