NOW WITH HALF THE CARBS*.....Greetings fellow Pipers, assorted infidels, learned amateur pundits, California girly men, and general rabble rouses. If you secretly wish Al Sharpton was a republican .....well , you are at the right place. ..... !..... if you can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television and don't sweat petty things.... or pet sweaty things...you aredefinitely at the right place..... Before we get going there is an announcement. The recent Pipe Las Vegas or PipeStock 04, was so successful that planning is in the works for an historical trip to Gettysburg. Many have expressed a desire to reinact Lee's surrender to the glorious brave fighting men in Blue of the Union Army as a trip highlight....more info to follow......we here at the BUZZ want to thank FERAL52for sending in the great picture of his recent fishing trip......... Holy moley lock the door and break out the Y2K rations.......the world is coming to an end. I turned on the TV recently and Bobby Fischer and Martha Stewart are headin to the pokey.....Rush is a junkie, Ah-Nold on a stamp, Bush is in trouble with his base (boy is he) .....and......wait for it......somehow the idiots of Massachusetts are in charge of the liberals...whoops...they aren't liberals anymore they are PROGRESSIVES....... Good grief.....MA......Bean people are deciding the fate and future of the Democratic party. For those who have never been to MA ...ohnever mind. As of today Teddy and Big John are carving up the nation. I had a nice baseball analogy written and that cow Hillary had to swoop into my head...... Speaking of cows, ....remember...if you stop eating beef due to the Mad Cow scare...only the cows win.......Hillary Clinton. (Picture me here sucking air through my teeth). ..... but I really don't want to spend our time here on the democraticprospects....WAIT I ALMOST FORGOT, ONE MORE THING......BrEaKiNG............Rumor has it Big John and Little John are doing acurtsy rendition of "I'm a Little Teapot" at their oh-so Dem fund raisers. Big John sings and Little John does the teapot dance ..........Lots of activity here on the Pipe with the new political hosting feature The Publisher is offering. Goths For Bush have become quite active and recently wroteus that they have registered 15 people to vote. .....hey, at least they are doing something. We contacted their leader...sage?... Lord Pomaratin, and he was kind enough to send in one of his poems about Bush:
what have you done to me?
a smothering indistinctness of blackness as perceptions shudder.
once I tasted nothing, hand in hand and glad-hearted
but thirst vanished
a deadened throng of conservative agony filled me
thoughts follow memory, follow pain, politics torn apart
in a haze of righteousness, i reject others and embrace you.....lord pomaratin
.....makes you think doesn't it........There is so much else to discuss........Rumors have it our fav Buzz babe J-Lo has been seen bumping the nasty with ex Diddy P, no wait....Daddy Puff.....you know who I mean. Ben was off doing the pro-mo on the doomed to straight to video PAYCHECK movie...ya, right, like that statue knows what a real paycheck is and wasn't getting the jobdone....kudos to Benny boy for keeping his mouth shut at the Sox/Yankee game this week....at least he knows when and where to spew his celebrityopinion........rumor has it J is feeling eggy.......anyway.....major feature coming here soon on something the tabloids only wish they could get their hands on......and it's bigger than J Lo's back end in a car sidemirror....one last announcement....with the legalization of gay marriage now the law of the land by default of our gutless congress and senate, (such a lame government it makes Trent Lott look Conan like doesn't it)...... the BUZZ is looking to feature the first married Pipe gay couple in our next edition. If you are gay and have fallen in love with another Pipe poster of the same sex, please contact us. ...sorry, notransgendered, bi curious cross dressers or pre-op transsexuals please. Women in post-vaginal reconstructive surgery will be considered on a case by case basis. We are offering a substantial prize to the lucky couple. In the event more than one couple contacts us, a panel of judges will decide the winner based on the following criteria: 1. Overt gayness factor, 2. Swimsuit photos. 3. Talent. .........lets start theshow!..........wait.... ......I just can't do this without breaking thecode of silence here and spilling the beans...... I have had it...... This will be my last BUZZ file. I'm through. That lazy sack of mildewed sawdust Little Joe Lieberman went missing last week and soon after came intothe office this cheesy picture of him in front of a sheet and a note that he had been kidnapped by a rival on-line newsforum that is threatening to de-noginize him. This place is going crazy sending money all worried and everything...scheech....doubling my workload and his stupid notes are coming in from Acapulco! .......I've had it.
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COMING SOON TOpipelinenews.org
A servicefor Conservative star watchers
Phoeadamas theRepublican Sage
TheQuatrains of Phoeadamas:
32. The king will want to enter the new city,
Through its enemies they will come to subdue it
Captives liberated to speak and act falsely,
King to be outside, he will keep far from the enemy.
Garden of the world near the new city,
In the path of the hollow mountains,
It will be seized and plunged into the Vat,
Drinking by force the waters poisoned by sulfur.
The king known as kerry will want to enter the new city,
Through its enemies, the purported party of the people,
they will come to subdue it.
Phoeadamas is aqualified political astrologer: not only did he graduate from the NostradamusCorrespondence School of Vienna, but he once ran into the Amazing Kreskin in LasVegas. But even with these qualifications, you follow his advice at your ownrisk. His opinions are his own and although thousands flock to his publicappearances, your individual star guide should be followed exactly. Youcan write Phoeadamas and for a small gift offering, a specificRepublicanchart can beprepared just for you...and no one else.
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NOONER'S PICKLE BARREL
......Pull up the checker board and set a spell.....
"A local druggie did something similar but lived to talk about it. Seems the power company cut off the power to his girlfriends house due to lack of payment. They cut the power by disconnecting one end of the fuse on the high side of the transformer. There's 14,400 volts there. Well, he was gonna be a hero so he backed up his pickup to the power pole, extended a 20 ft aluminum ladder to the transformer, reached up with a metal crowbar to push the fuse back into it's clip. The jolt knocked him off the ladder to the ground, breaking his back, both arms, etc. Also tore holes in the bottom of his feet where the current passed through to the metal ladder. He's currently in a Dallas hospital unable to function. Doctors doubt if he'll ever walk again or be more than a vege. "
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I'm sitting here trying to figure out a way to introduce thisguy. It is impossible. He has been making a name for himself in anumber of areas lately and started showing up here about the same time SatanistsFor Dean was forming and those Goth kids invaded the Pipe. We contacted him about a month ago and asked if he would sort of write hisstory. It came in last week from Germany.....hand written no less and the paperstunk of stale beer. It is way too large to post here so I called ina favor and The Publisher has agreed to post it on Pipe Proper. We tookhis picture off of the CD cover........trust me.... just click on it.
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EAT MORE CHICKEN
With Bah Lee
Ok, you listen and you learn now. Bah Lee tell you already but tell you again here, you all too fat. Not make good decision when fat. Bas Lee was going to give you recipe now but you first need chicken. This week we get chicken.
First you need happy chicken. Not chase around yard all day. You get tired, chicken get tired and not get chicken. Like that Mr. Kerry. He want to run around yard and catch terrorists. Just get tired and terrorists get away.Get big metal rod from house and bend top. Make a handle to put over leg. Not your leg, chicken leg. Now you stand in one spot and get chicken. Bring chicken to you real slow. See, easy. Maybe get two, I don't know.
Take finger and feel hole of chicken. Girl chicken, no need feel boy chicken. Three fingers too many, mean chicken lay eggs. Who would eat chicken that make egg. Only stupid person. Person like that Martha Stewart. She have all that money and still want more. Eat chicken every day. She eat money chicken, no more money egg.
Time to put chicken in cage for later.Time to kill chicken. Easy way to use sharp "rock" Bah Lee like do outside on wood. Not use firewood, make house smell later and not use round wood. That important.Take hand and pull chicken arm down. Take all feet too. This make chicken head and eyes stick out look just like Jesse Jackson. Now hit with rock hard. Cut head all way off and save for later.
Ok, this good time to take chicken to tree and let blood feed tree. Make strong tree.Ok. Make hot fire with boiled water. Strong like seed of Jimmy. Jimmy put baby in Bah Lee, father try to make baby go but seed too strong. Put chicken in water and take off feathers. Save feathers for later. Cut up chicken and eat. Eat all you want. Easy to get more chicken.
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Please visit our sponsors
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Advise for the love-lorn
....Many of you will remember the story last week of a drunken Filipino farmer, Rodolfo Poprras in the town of Manapla Phillipines who nailed his wife's mouth shut. AND beat her to death in front of their children. In the spirit of liberals, realizing that Rodolfo is the victim here, there was such an outpouring of support for Rodolfo, that the BUZZ staff contacted the Reuters author who put us in touch with the lawyer for Mr. Poprras. He was so touched with the support that Mr. Poprras has agreed to participate in a marital advise column here on the pipe. Thank you to all the Pipers who sent in questions last week to be forwarded.
" Rodolfo, I am a regular poster here at the pipe who likes both Filipino women and American women and I need advise. I am dating two girls. The first is a small Filipino girl with big ta tas and the other a hot redhead who I like to jog with. I hear if you have sex with A Filipino girl she wants to get married right away. I don't know what to do. Can you help me make a decision?."
Frustrated in Denver
Dear Denver,This not very difficult request. It hard to understand how Filipino girl have big chest without implants. Grab them hard and squeeze to check. If she give trouble try holding a bic lighter under her hand. This calm her down fast.Ok decision. Easy. Take American girl. Filipino woman always talk talk talk. Not shut up. Talk all day and all night. No peace. You want quiet girl you take American woman.
NOTE: There is a bunch more butlegal is holding back on letting me post it. Watch for a new Pipe Featuresoon....TUP
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Drudge writes this week "Former president Bill Clinton defends his embattled national security advisor as a man who "always got things right," even if his desk was a mess. ".......Come on Matt......let's all take a walk down memory lane.......
The Ballad Of A Man Named Bill
Well dere once was a story 'bout a man named Bill
Da poor president couldn't keep his willie still
Den one day he was workin' at his desk
When in walks Monica and shows da boy her chest...
Boobs, that is. Two of 'em. Bodacious ta ta's.
Well da next thing ya know, Monica is on her knees
Mouth open wide and as happy as you please
Bill sez, "oh yeah now-don't say a thing"
"If you do a good job then we'll have a little fling"
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In a recent thread post, Rosie writes: - " Sandy (Berger) might have been looking for Chinese documents because Kerry was most likely going to use China as a hammer against Bush. Since Berger lobbied on behalf of China, among other crooked deals, he had to get rid of the evidence. Clinton wounds would have been re-opened, too. I think Kerry is behind this. ...Of course, Hill & Bill could have set him up for a fall...Kerry, too! "
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I know many of us here on the Pipe are keenly following this drama. Perhaps Martha will reach out....be sure to keep up with "Climbing the Walls" magazine and watch the posting boards at Women Doing Time.
Our BUZZ source inside Danbury (yes we have a source) tells us that Martha is strictly white hands-off...not by the bulls and screws, but the top tier inmates, or 'peaches', see her as a golden ripe piece of fruit and her bunk mate a prized assignment. The 'Latinas' may be a prob as there is talk Martha doesn't treat her help all that good...payback....look for late night cleaning parties with the domestic diva the belle of the bathroom ball..... we are told already there are payments and a few pillow fights going on behind the scenes. Theory is, if she likes you ...you can get money out of her....but you have to figure out a way to get close toher.....BUZZ EXCLUSIVE: - forget the kitchen detail we have all be hearing about, the fix is in for another assignment with a juiced inmate. Not a bad plan if you think about it....bring your check book Martha...you will need it. If you want to talk to a Danbury chick...it's easy. No, you can't just call and ask to talk to one, it won't work, but here is a hint.....get lost in the extensions....like most prisons....inmates (wo)man the phones in the offices....and they love to talk.
33 1/2 Pembroke RoadDanbury, Connecticut 06811-3099
203-743-6471 Fax: 203-312-5110
Lets see if we can't start learning a bit about Martha's new Danbury friends from some of their letters......
Pipe Book Club Selection Of The Month: WOMEN BEHIND BARS....(previously published as "Caged Heat"...a true crime classic by Wensley Clarkson...the best-selling author of Slave Girls!
They were once sweet little girls-sugar and spice, and everything nice. Now they're cold blooded criminals, behind the bars of America's most dangerous prisons-hardened women doing their time. How and why did they cross to the dark side? What makes women kill husbands, lovers, family, innocent strangers and ex-presidents, maybe? Step aside and meet:
Patty:the prison beauty slaughtered her mother, father, and little brother afterfalling in love with an evil Svengali twenty years her senior.
Michelle: She lovingly tends the flowers on the prison grounds. Only those whoknow her best know how she kicked her husband to death.
Cynthia: A typical St. Louis girl--until she met a jailbird and embarked on amurderous rampage worthy of Natural Born Killers.
Author Wensley Clarkson has used his unique, unlimited access to some ofAmerica's toughest prisons to reveal the shocking world of femalecriminals--from their illicit love affairs to race relations, prostitution,protection rackets, drug smuggling, and more....Plus: what happened to notoriouscriminals Amy Fisher and Pam Smart? Now their tawdry lived behind bars arerevealed.
NEXT TIME ..we will be reviewing several WomenIn Prison movies.
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TTS on has-been divas -"Ronstadt hasn't had a hit in 30 years......I dunno if she lost weight or not but I hoid she was fat as a hog......which is too bad because she used to be beautiful.......the music bizz is chock full o her type....if they would just keep their stoopid mouths shut no one would care.....i couldnt care less what their personal political beliefs are but if they are gonna start spouting them then that is gonna piss people like meoff"...ya but she looked so good in hot pants and rollerskates..........Badeye on fate -"Martha has bigger problems than going to jail after being convicted in this trial. Just wait and see what happens when the Civil Trial begins. This is the trial where her insider trading will be laid bare for all the world to see." ....Martha laid bare? Oh my!........ TheTruthSquad - On Global Warming -"even if one accepts the junksci global warming as fact, its like .5 degree, ya there is increased CO2 (how the hell do ya do a subscript in html???) but there is absolutely no proof that it comes from human activity, I say its mostly from flatulent mooses, meeeeses and cowses.....and of coursedonkeys"..... What about Hillary?........ Poly Sign ON THE FUTURE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION -"It's about time that those across the Pond started to get it. Tony Blair gets it. Now if he can just drag the rest of the Euro-fools' heads out of the sand, the rest of Western Civ. might have chance. Speaking of Western Civ., remember when the students at Stanford were chanting, "Hey, hey; Ho, ho; Western Civ has got to go". They got their way with the class, and we, as a civilisational ideology are pretty close the edge of that same figurative cliff right now. The burden rests on us to see that that anti-Western ideology progresses no further. We (Western Civ. and Christendom) need to get off the collective guilt trips, such as that exemplified by the Pope's recent round of breast-beating over the Crusades, and adopt the annihilationist mindset of our...dare I say it?...mortal enemies within religion of Islam. To do any less is suicidal. And for heaven's sake, Dubya, dump that "Islam is a religion of peace" pap, because itisn't".......well, that pretty much nails it........
And our quote of the weekPILL - on Martha "For a more mature woman she still retains a certain animal magnetism... Kinda like those animals Nooner said are some farm boys first date....ROTFL Moooooooooo! sooooow eheeeeee.!!
Dear Unknown Poster, I recently upgraded my Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure I received from AkelaCo that you recommended in your last BUZZ File. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker- night 10.3 and Beer-bash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me?
Pulling my hair in Holden Beach,
Dear Hair puller,
I wrote AKELACO customer service, maker of both software products, and received the following:
"This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than original system. Look in your manual under Warnings - Alimony / Child Support. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lockup occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very highmaintenance"
Well that's all for this time Pipers....yo yo yo...peace out....TUP
*DISCLAIMER Reading the entire BUZZ File article will double your actual carb count. Do not read if you are taking any psychological medications, MAOI inhibitors. Do not read if you are pregnant, may become pregnant or have been pregnant any time previously. Do not read if you have a history of toenail fungus. Rectal bleeding or stomach upset may occur. Your doctor may wish to do liver tests as liver damage has been found in some readers. There is a possibility of seizure disorder, memory loss, confusion or unconsciousness. If chest pain or pain radiating down your arm should occur consult your doctor. Readers with visual disorders may have a sudden onset of blurred vision or distortion. Recommended reading would be in small doses. Development of a rash or hives may suggest an allergic reaction to the material content. The BUZZ file should be consumed in addition with a regular exercise program. Keep away from children, and pets.
And...if you aren't high-brow enough to appreciate the BuzzFile........