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......Late Breaking....Bush to Davis...."I told you so"...............Middle political ground being fought over in Washington by Moderates and Centrists .....undecided representatives the key vote..........Rain cancels benefit for Rainforest.......... Manufacturing-Based Economy "out" says Greenspan.... Pornography-Based Economy "in"...................Global warming enthusiasts claim flooding may help put out forest fires..........Dick Cheney only one bionic part from becoming the real first 6 milion dollar man.........we can rebuild him.....we have the technology..........Gary Condit planning move to New York to continue political career.......

Greetings Pipers!....and welcome to a special BBQ beans and weiners summeredition of the BUZZ Files .....If you think environmentalists could greatly reduce emissionof dangerous hot air by not meeting, then you are at the right place........I really have missed youall. I have been busy writing a couple of screenplays this summer, "How the Grinch Stole Kwanzaa",and "Titanic II" bites yet..........BREAKING.... Israelis ....Palestinians.....agree on more violence.......I would have sent in an article sooner, but I won Employee of the Month here at the Pipe in Mayand The Publisher sent me to Pipebomb Fantasy camp. Wasn't much of a camp as all I did is clearweeds and brush from some property he bought..........I do need to post a retraction from anearlier BUZZ....... Elderly Chinese women, do in fact make excellent drivers............"Damn Stinken Apes"........I am sure all of us are wanting to get in touch with our inner ape this weekend and it shouldbe great fun. With a 70 million dollar opening, look for more ape action soon. For a review of the remake...check out this site......Well it's on with the show...and remember....only you can prevent Pop Tart fires!

"A politics presuming the ontological indifference of all minority social identities asdefining oppressed or dominated groups, a politics in which differences are sublimated in theconstitution of a minority identity (the identity politics which is increasingly beingquestioned within feminism itself) can recover the differences between social identitiesonly on the basis of common and therefore commensurable experiences of marginalization,which experiences in turn yield a political practice that consists largely of affirmingthe identities specific to those experiences."

He won't survive.
(all look at him)
Do you know what sort of lifeawaits you out there, Taylor?That of an animal. If you aren'teventually hunted down and killedby apes, some jungle beast willdevour you.


Then there is another jungle?

(shrugs; then, sardonically)
Of course, you could return withus. Our society might find aplace for you and your mate.

Sure. In a cage.

Where else, but in a cage, doesman belong?

No, thanks. I'll take freedom.


Threats of boycott are ringing in the ears of NBC junior execs these days with calls foreven more gay action on their shows. Not content with the play acting on Will and Graceby straight actors, they want real hot greased up oinking on all the shows. Here it comes,and how long before Bert and Earnie come out. ......Talk in the chat rooms has a littledifferent spin on the recent walkout of some of the stars of hit series "West Wing" so fast. Apparently it is a little too popular a show and the gay crowd wants a piece of theaction. Rumor of a proposed script with Josh, Sam, Leo, and the Prez may have gone a littletoo far with it's strip poker theme.

There's trouble in New York and that starts with T...oh you know what I is, not so perky jerky Katie "I am tooooo a Journalist" Couric just can't dodge those pesky "did your family ownslaves" questions. It's hard taking a liberal view when you live off the sweat of slaves, butlook for her soon to break into a rendition of "Po Lazarus" as her publicist sweats...... Also word out of the set is Anne "deadpan" Curry, is eyeing Katie's job so much that tensionbetween the two is thick...... Hold on Annie, don't blow it, after all there are only so manytoken no-talent Asian jobs to go around at NBC........ Matt and Al just laugh at them...... Meow....... I think they should strip down to their panties and have a pillow fight......Pay-Per-View would be killer.

While the lazy hazy days of summer shine down upon all us pipers where ever we may be, there is ofcourse one constant in our lives. Days of Our Lives. I have received so many letters from as yetun-enlightened pipebombers that is it necessary to outline the show here. Most of you can justskip over this as you are already informed.

Days is set in the mythical city of Salem. Somewhere in the Midwest. A large citywith international airports, sea access, and many fine establishments. However theshow is mostly shot in the living rooms of two families, a table at the local mall (Salem Place)and a dock. The Bradeys and the Hortons. The Horton family is led by a vindictive old woman namedAlice who busies herself mostly with making rock hard doughnuts and forcing the rest of the familymembers to her house on xmas to hang cheesy ornaments. The rest of the residents chill at thethought of a guest invitation.

The Brady family is rather dysfunctional. There is of course Bo, or "oh Bo" as the many loves of hislife tend to call him. Currently wed (again) to Hope, an aging wanna-be diva with a face so bony itlooks like her skull is going to pop out. They are currently raising a baby conceived with John Blackand Hope, only Bo doesn't know it. In fact the baby isn't even John's as they were switched at birthby Stephano Dimera so his daughter Lexi could have a healthy baby. Lexi is married to Abe Carver,Salem's finest, and chief of police. He is also best friends with John Black. Now a few wordsabout John Black. An ex-priest with at least 5 kids on the show that I can think of by severalof the women. When he is not mooching off of rich women he lives in a loft and mutters "that's afact" most every day. He was married into the Dimera family with Kristen, or Kristeeen as Susanused to call her. She pretended to have a baby to trap John and hired Susan to have a baby for herwearing little then bigger pillows for nine months. But Kristen got sold off to a harem someplaceafter John left her. The real star of the show has to be the vivacious Samantha...or Sami. Abeautiful moral beacon in the otherwise tawdry neighborhood. She loves Austin Reed. Sami's evilsister the snaggletoothed Carrie tried to steal Austin and in fact did so only to dump him aftershe got him and ran off with Dr. Mike Horton. I don't know why she loves Austin so much but shedoes and she saw him first until that tramp home wrecking sister of hers broke them up and stolehim. Austin is not catch, you keep waiting for him to stare at the camera and go "duh", but Samiloves him.

Back to the Hortons. They are everywhere. There is crazy Laura, or pumpkin face, in and out of mentalhospitals where she is now drooling on the window someplace...... Wait I forgot Marlena...or DoooooctorMarlena "meddeling" Evans. Sami and Carries mother..... and currently knocking boots with John Black....ya right that will last.....anyway she is a shrink with nothing in her doctor bag but a script pad and maybe some certs. Believeme if you have a problem you don't want an appointment in her office. She has been on the show foreverand could use a neck scarf if you know what I mean. Talk is there is a little "All About Eve" thingygoing on with her and Sami.

Marlena for some reason always has caught the eye of Stephano, the dark and mysterious character andcalls her his "queen of the night" more face lift and she will be farting out her nose.... Needless to say John Black and he are always either capturing Marlena or rescuing her. Frankly sheisn't worth it. There is the whole Jack and Jen thing going on but the new Jack isn't any good and theshow is filling up with high school kids that have mysteriously aged about ten years from last season,must be the water. There is Belle and Brady and Mimi and Jan and it goes on and on, but the one reallyhot chick is Chole or (Ghoul Girl) and you can see her pictureat Wow mama........ She is currently on the outswith Phillip, son of Victor who just got out of his coma who is married to Kate who tried tokill him with a fire place poker and set the house on fire..... and now works in a diner whilewaiting for her son, Lucas "rat boy" to wake up. Lucas is also Austin's brother and married tohot body blonde Nicole who is now living with Victor in a little May December kind of thing. Kate,an ex-whore, is starting to catch the eye of Roman, Sami's father, and love interest of Marlena....remember her?....who was lost for a long time but came back in time to stop a previous weddingbetween John and Marlena. Roman is also a cop and friends with John Black and father to Sami. OhI forgot. Sami and Lucas have a baby together named Will....poor kid has dumbo ears. Sami convincedAustin that Will was his then Lucas found out and had Sami put on death row for murder to getcustody of Will, but Sami got to the truth when Kate and Lucas got her drunk and made a doll tolook like Will and threw it off a cliff making Sami jump after it. Well it all worked out andnow Sami at last has her Austin.

Well now you know pretty much all you need to know and you can now keep up with the posts. Familytrees that don't fork are a little difficult to keep up with, but that's Salem. And "that's afact"

  • BUZZ File Public Service Announcement -Please, dispose of your unwanted ChiaPets in a safe and humane way.

    "Beware the beast man for he is the devil's pawn.
    Alone among God's primates, he kills for sport,
    for lust, for greed."
    Warning from the Lawgiver's scrolls.


    Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too muchfraternizing with the enemy.

    NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will calleach other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for abrewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head andUseless. EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none willactually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocketcalculators. BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream,razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in thetypical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buysthese things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda.Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reachesthe checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on BeverlyHillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reeboksneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets towork, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off becauseher feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. CATS: Women lovecats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. DRESSING UP: Awoman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone,read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals. LAUNDRY: Women dolaundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, includinghis surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. Whenhe is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul andtake his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women atthe Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, AmericanStyle." OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows aboutdentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods andsecret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in thehouse.

  • One day, on his way to the youth center after picking up some milk at the grocerystore, Mr. T drove his van so fast that it exceeded Earth's escape velocityand ended up in outer space.......Mr. T vs. The Planet of the Apes

  • - PIPE GEMS -

    Special Summer Fishing edition

    hennypenny - productreview, Zebco Fishing Reels: - "The ZEBCO is a fishing reel used by children and the uncoridinated ...spastics and such ( if your child gets ice cream on his forehead kind'a thing)......SOME Journalist and editors have been seen touse them but its because they have few movingparts to either confuse or dazzle them in to just staring much as the do when looking at say...a..a watch or tea kettle. the reel hold the line and its secret is that YOU CANNO"T get theline off the reel ..that keeps parents and guardians from spending all their damn time gettingwhat we call "birds nest " out of the line...course because the line won't come off the reel..there is the problem of telling the child or spastic that the fish just aren't biting...but enough trips and they take up Shooting or rape or some other outdoor attraction...".......I have to disagree with the mayor here. As any fisherman got to think like a fish to catch em, corse you could alwaystry Squirrel Fishing......... Feral 52 - "I'mbuying a Zebco." ............ swampy -" Thosejerks from PETA will bestarting here next. They're coming after my ZEBCO. Nobody messes with my ZEBCO. When I buy anew one I want to give the one I have to henny. I know they're his favorite!!!! "......

    I was going to award a Big Mouth Billy Bass for the best post, but...nah....speaking of things that talk that shouldn't, I have to announce that the Pipebombversion of NBC's hit show "Fear Factor" has been canceled, as no one was willingto mud wrestle with Rosie O'Donnel.


    Q - I'm a forty-five year old woman and I love to keep up with the latest Summer trends. Recentlyafter wearing pigtails and a midriff-baring top a friend of mine pulled me aside to tell me thatwhat I was wearing was too young for me that it was time to grow-up and dress more "age-appropriate." I was completely destroyed by this comment. What should I say to her?

    A - Some people would say that you should not let your friend's advice bother you. Welive in an agewhere a person should be free to wear what they want when they want, that we are individuals andshould be free to express our personality through our hair makeup as well as our style of dress.

    Those people are of course crazy. If they are right, then why aren't we seeing old sacks like youon the cover of Vogue? No my dear, it's time to start facing facts. You are past your sell-by dateand it's time to move on to tasteful knee length frocks, slacks and perhaps a few scarves forzest. As far as what you should say to your friend how about a simple, humble "Thank you."

    Slippery when wet.

    Buzzfile Archives - Proof Of Age Required Unless Accompanied By Note From Parents