Everybody repeat after me: "We are all individuals"


The Mighty Buzz File Archives - Offer Good While Supply Lasts - May Not Be Combined With Other Offers Or Offers By Otters

By The UnknownPoster

......Late Breaking....Davis to Bush...."We don't need nostinkin pricecaps"...............76ers win first game against Lakers....6 seals to go. Floods, earthquakes expected..........Preadators.com in hostlebid to take over Victims.org.........."sell your stuff and buy something else" ...advisedGreenspan..............Last McDonalds in India closes..........BUSH reminds Chinese that "we still got your Pandas" and wants spy plane back.......UNKNOWN POSTER gets tired ofBADEYE raging on him and changes format of BUZZ Files......

Greeting Pipers!...welcome to the Buzz File where the facts, although interesting, are irrelevant......if you think The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth....AND ... think you can reduce the possibility of having an accident by being too s@@@faced to find your keys.....then you have definitely stumbled into the right place...... brought to you this week by Black Market Babies Dot com..."Black Market Babies.com is one-of-a-kind: a full-service, fee-based adoption agency. It'ssafe, fast, and in many ways legal. And it's guaranteed. If you're not satisfied after 30 days, simplyreturn your child in good condition, in the box it came in, for a full refund. We'll even pay thepostage! "......This is your Unknown Poster reminding you that if G. Gordon Liddy marriedBoutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G. ...want another one huh....ok.....If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B.Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener. ......and for those that sent hate mail last week about knocking the junior senator from New York, look... Eagles may soar but then again I'm not going to get sucked into a jet engine so I'm not going to layoff Hillary........speaking of Hillary......Word out of Washington this week is that her concernfor African nations is an issue gaining steam with her voters. Rumors of an announcement shortly thatshe will be having lyposuction on her thighs in an attempt to feed thousands of starving nativevillagers. Her "leg cheese" is eagerly anticipated.........MEETING CHANGE NOTICE..... The piper-poster anger management support group will be meetingan hour later this week in the usual chatroom. Our guest speaker this week will be Feral52 who will be giving a short presentation titled "releasing your anger through graphics"............before we get going a note to thosethat look forward to the Henny pieces. I get stuff from Henny likeold men pee. Sometimesdrips and then gushes. Right now I have a bunch to try and decipher for presentation here....give me some time to wade through it.........and while we wait for the headlineBUSH DAUGHTERS HOLD UP LIQUOR STORE.... I guess it's time to get on with the show.....


......BREAKING..... Dentist looses a drill, three picks, and several dental pliersin Julia Roberts mouth....... actress Julia Roberts is being sued by her dentist for tools he lost in her gaping mouth. duringa routine exam......"we looked, but the area was just too large to search " a dental assistantwas quoted as saying......Animal Crackers Will Discontinue Endangered SpeciesRhinos and gorillas to be replaced by coyotes, pigeons.......POLITICS......a test of the new internet voting system set to replace the old fashioned paperballots is getting ready to go nationwide by 2004 as "Voting Online" got it's First True Test this week.....President-elect Britney Spears calls it a smashing success.. In a new post 2000 electionpoll just announced by REUTERS, Undecided Voters are still undecided between Al Gore and George Bush........Cosmopolitan, Redbook reportthat they may go out of Business; No more secret ways to please a man left to disclose...........TECH.......Wireless, Hand-HeldPDA?s Not Catching On in Third World Most more concerned with eating, getting water......BREAKING...VinceMcMahon's new all White Basketball league files for chapter 11...no reason given.....THE Departmentof Human Services issued an announcement this week and unveiled the first set of commerative Food Stamps thatwill be available soon........CIA Director Admits Transmitting "Voices" to Paranoid SchizophrenicsAgency director apologizes, says practice will stop......FINANCIAL NEWS.....DOW plunges on rumorof NASDAQ losses....NASDAQ falls sharply on rumor of DOW losses..........European Union Establishes Broken English as Official Language........ROBOTIC DOG BITES MAN....court orders machine to be de-activated. PETA Vows court fight!....... It looks likeActress Anne Heche pulleda Jumpin Jim Jeffords this week and decided she really needs a man in her life. What ever arethe poor websites devoted to these twogoing to do?....I think she will end up marrying herself........ President Bush,.... following-up on his recentpress conference comment that he's concerned about the cultivation of "cocoa" leaves in Colombia,announced his "war on chocolate" at a Rose Garden ceremony at the White House. ........GENETICS....... New DNA Research: All Humans Descended From African "Adam"......Authorities still looking for deadbeat dad now 100,000 years behind in child support. The State of Oregon has filed legal motions to attach profits from the sale of all Bibles to recover state fundedchild medical care.......GLOBAL WARMING.....Aussie drug aims totake wind out of sheep flatulence Reuters REPORTS - Australian farmers are signing up theirsheep and cattle in droves to take part in a vaccine program aimed at reducing harmful methane gasemissions from their animals and help take the heat off global warming. Australia's 114 millionsheep and 27 million cattle are prolific producers of methane by flatulence and burping.....WELL thattakes care of the sheep, but what about the Australians?......


APreported thisweek that Golden Books, the venerable but financially strugglingpublisher of children's books, is being purchased by the producer of animated shows such as "Super MarioBros." DIC Entertainment Holdings Inc., which is based in Burbank, Calif., is paying about $70 millionin cash and assuming about $100 million in debt to purchase Golden Books, whose long list of children'stitles includes the "Poky Little Puppy," "Pat the Bunny" and "Lassie." ......A complete upgrade and incorporation of Hollywood themes is expected. A spokesman for the newcompany said " America has changed and early reading must reflect our current society." New worksare in progress with such titles as:

You Are Different andThat's Bad
Dad's New Wife Timothy
Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
All Dogs go to Hell
The Little Sissy who Snitched
Some Kittens Can Fly
That's it, I'm putting You Up for Adoption
Grandpa Gets a Casket
The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
Strangers Have the Best Candy
Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get your Way
You were an Accident
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
Pop! Goes the Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
Your Nightmares are Real
Where Would You Like to be Buried?
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet be Friends?
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry


The new fall lineups are starting to gel and our source in hollywierd has been sending in some of thepilots that look like they are going to be making their way onto the small screen and into our livingsrooms this fall....here is a sneak peek:

Captive Camera
An unsuspecting person, picked at random from the population, is taken hostage. His or herreaction is secretly filmed. After a month, host Suzanne Somers announces the hoax to the personby pointing out the camera and saying, "Smile! You're on Captive Camera!" No prizes -- just good,old-fashioned fun.

Survivor host Jeff Probst and Big Brother host Julie Chen, along with talk show hosts Jerry Springer,Ricki Lake, Maury Povich and Jenny Jones, are the contestants. Taken to a remote desert island wherethey must build shelters and eat grubs, the six hosts are forced to compete in special challenges,like seeing who can dodge the most chairs thrown by fascists. Every few days the hosts trek to amakeshift studio in the middle of the jungle, where the most upsetting aspects of their privatelives are the focus of a live, hour-long television show. The one million dollars in prize moneygoes to the guest -- an enemy, close friend, or even a family member -- who causes the most dramaticbreakdown of one of the hosts, aka the "victim." Audiences at home call in and vote for the winner.There is no immunity and, best of all, none of the hosts ever gets kicked off the island.

Big Sister
Ten strangers, carefully selected for a wide range of intriguing emotional problems in combination withhigh levels of physical fitness, get locked in a house for three months with Oprah Winfrey. On camera24 hours a day, seven days a week, they are denied any contact with the outside world. Their task? Tohelp Oprah lose weight and get fit and, in return, to learn from her how to become personally andspiritually fulfilled. Each week two people with negative attitudes and/or bad eating habits arenominated for banishment. The self-actualized winner gets to take over Winfrey's phenomenallysuccessful talk show while the newly svelte Oprah will go on to start a new career as a supermodel.

In the not so distant future, sex is in danger because of a new powerful sexually transmitteddisease. The government has all but banned it as a "safety measure." But the more sex isoutlawed, the more people want to do it.

Controlling human desire has complications. And a race of sex-mutants has emerged.

Sex monsters to some.

Heroes to others....

They are the... Sexmen....

This is the story of a couple that is having sex when suddenly they're hit by lightningat the moment of orgasm. They wake up in each other's bodies. He's her. She's him. And they'reboth losing their minds.

He's a lawyer, she's a legal secretary, and the first thing that hits them is that they mightget fired. They hatch a plan to have her pretend to be him (in his body) and him pretend to beher (in her body) until they can figure out how to get back to their own bodies. They tryeverything (sex during thunderstorms) but nothing seems to work.

The stress takes it's toll and they split up. Heartbroken they wander the streets. They both mustface the question. Does a love have a gender?

Does it really matter who's the boy, and who's the girl when you're in love.

MOVIEREVIEW - Moulin Rougue by Mr.Crankey:

In a few years we're all going to blame "A Knight's Tale" and "Moulin Rouge" for a trend that'sundoubtedly going to pervade every nook and cranny of film. In fact, blame may be too light aword. Perhaps we'll be organizing events where director Baz Luhrman is let loose in a field andhunted down by hungry dogs.

Remember the word "anachronism" because you're likely to hear it a lot. It appears to be thenext big thing in cinematic style: Take a cool historical era or event, and then score it tosome overplayed modern rock tune. In Luhrman's case, he's set his film in 1900 Paris in thefamous Moulin Rouge while his characters sing and dance to vaguely recognizable versions ofNirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" and Madonna's "Like a Virgin." (Luhrman will next bescoring a film about the Crusades to the hits of Right Said Fred.)

Theeffect of all this is that just about any moron in the audience can rightly claim, "I recognizethat!" Well, of course you do, you pop-culture whore. Not only do the characters sing the songs,but they speak the lyrics as dialogue. Christian (Ewan McGregor) falls in love with Moulin Rouge'smost famous performer and courtesan, Satine (Nicole Kidman), and starts rattling off love-relatedsong titles in an effort to convince her not to sleep around and to commit to a life with himinstead. Standing in their way is the mean Duke (Richard Roxburgh), who doesn't know very manyclever pop tunes and thus seems entirely unhip.

Why Luhrman bothers to set this film anywhere is a mystery. 1900 Paris looks like a computer game, andlet's face it, if courtesans looked like Nicole Kidman and Catherine McCormack (remember "DangerousBeauty"?), the human race would have died out long ago because there would have been a line of menwith hard-ons from Paris to Moscow abandoning their usual fertilization duties in favor of hotcourtesan sex. No matter how you slice it, this is still a hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold story.Couldn't Satine have simply been a showgirl? Luhrman could have named her Lola. The film couldhave been set just north of Havana.

TEST.....The BuzzFile has decided that most of its readers are aging BabyBoomers, and will be enlarging its typface in the next issue. We have also realized this means wedon't have to write as much to fill the page...


Pool, a popular game for over a hundred years, is under attack by many multi-cultural groupsfor what they call its "inherent racism and oppression." The game, as most commonly played, involvesusing the cue ball (traditionally colored white) to knock the other balls into the various pocketsthat surround the table. These groups claim that the game of pool is more than merely symbolic, butactually encourages the suppression of all non-Caucasian peoples.

"The ungodly bigoted player uses the repressive and domineering white ball as his main weapon oftyranny. The white ball, supposedly superior to all the other balls on the table, uses violenceto force the balls of color into the table pocket ghettos. If the white ball is knocked into oneof these ghettos, the player is penalized," shouted the Reverend Al Sharpton during a recentanti-pool demonstration. "When will our 200 years of oppression end, brother?"

Juavier Ramirez noted that the first shot of the game is called a break, where the white ball hitsthe other balls causing them to disperse. "This break forcefully violates the solidarity of theminorities. The white man has always used force to keep the races from organizing against him. Shouldwe let him teach these same in his game?" Ramirez believes white youth are intentionally indoctrinatedwith this game to prepare them for an adulthood of "subjugation of all people and things that are notwhite."

Proponents of this theory also claim that balls of "mixed ancestry", most commonly known as stripedballs, are grouped in with the colored balls, rather than becoming more integrated with the cueball. A group calling themselves PR (Pool Resistance), stated "All the colored balls are racked uphelplessly until the cue ball strikes. The white ball then seeks to drive all colors from his sight.We must band together to stop the evil white ball."

Louis Farrakhan elaborated on the deeper conspiracy inherent in the game of pool. "There are sixpockets on the table and most often six games are played by the white man. Watch closely andyou'll see six people standing around the pool table. That is the sign of the devil! There arefifteen balls and that matches the 15th century, the beginning of black oppression. The pooltable is 9 feet long by 4 feet wide. If you subtract those numbers and multiply that number bythe four corners of the pool table, then subtract the result from the current year, you get 1977. Isit coincidence that 1977 is the same year Tanzanian black activist Bishop Josiah Kibira was electedthe head of the Lutheran World Federation? Somehow, I don't think so."

Spearheading the effort of eliminating pool in all its vestiges is the group know as ARA (Anti-Racist Action). Aki Yamamoto, president of the ARA, is outraged by the use of a long stick tofurther the interests of the white ball. "Why is the stick so long? Wouldn't it be just as usefulif it was shorter? The conclusions are too apparent to be overlooked. This game is a further moveto intimidate Asians in the world community and we will not stand for it." When asked for asolution to the problem, Aki stated "If pool cannot be completely eradicated, we advocate coloringall of the balls, the table, and the stick the same color. Also, reduce the stick in length by abouthalf. Only in uniformity can we be truly free."


Greetings from the golden state. We all want to welcome you to our land of milk and honey thissummer and get the most from your California experience. But first a few safety tips for thosewishing to experience our outdoor camping adventures. CaliforniaCamping Safety Tips.....

Tips for Californians visiting other states.....

I enjoy traveling on the cheap. For my money, the most enriching thing about staying in dormitorystyle rooms is the fun loving and open people that invariably patronize these charming, yet affordableestablishments. Some are fellow travelers. Some are locals. Some are eerily quiet drifters with odd,far-off looks in their eyes. But no matter who your rooming with, he/she/it is bound to make yourlodging experience an interesting one.

If another guest strongly suggests sharing the same cot, don't recoil in terror. Givehim a reasonable explanation or subtle hints as why it is not a good idea. Here are a fewthat have saved me on more than one occasion:

1. "I'd like to, but these cots don't look sturdy enough to support the weight of two people."
2. "Well, okay, if you don't mind the open sores on my back."
3. "Strangely enough, I sleep standing up, so the cot's all yours!"

Here you can really get that rich local flavor. The sights, the sounds, and the smells of therest of the country will come alive before your very eyes. Make an effort to engage your temporaryroommates in discourse. If they don't speak English well, then draw pictures, play charades, or use handpuppets to convey your thoughts. There are myriad ways of "breaking the ice", in the rooms or on thestreets. I've outlined a few:

Mockery is fun. Don't be uptight about pointing, laughing or even blatant mimicry. The quickest way todestroy cultural barriers is to good naturedly belittle the culture. If your new friends(s) do not speak"California" English or have strong regional accents, copy their speech while wearing a goofy facial expression. Giggleincessantly at their attempts to pronounce difficult words. You'll find it a truism in every countryyou visit that laughter really is the best medicine

Talk about yourself. Most of the people you meet will be utterly fascinated by you because you area Californian. I've held many a Ohioan or New Jerseyian spellbound with stories of every daylife in California. Jaws willdrop as you tell your audience about the life of an average Bay Area native. They'll want to know ifyour hometown has paved reads, cars, electricity, in-door plumbing etc. "They'll also ask you toconfirm or deny rumors about California, such as, "Are the streets in Sacramento really paved with gold?"I've found it amusing to confirm such beliefs, but use your best judgment. Tell them also aboutsome of the large appliances in your home and listen for the "oohs" and "aahs."

what to bring.....
The first thing you'll want to know is what to pack for your rural states journey. This is sometimesa point of contention amongst myself and other travel writers, but I know from plenty of experiencethat you can never pack enough. Bring at least two suits, five silk ties, several pairs of pants,and a blue sport jacket for casual evenings out. Bring sweaters of every kind, and two pairs ofwing-tipped shoes in case one pair gets scuffed. Bring leather loafers for careless eveningambles. It's also a good idea to include a classic black tuxedo for formal galas and balls.Some travel writers suggest two, but this is probably overdoing it a bit.It is a widespreadmisconception that there are thieves, swindlers and louts in other states. MostSoutherners and mid westers just wantto be our friends and are interested in us only as human beings. So when strolling dark,lonely streets in lovely cities such as Boston, Atlanta, Detroit, or Omaha-don't insultyour hosts, by concealing valuables. If approached is some of the more rural areas suchas the south, you can usually scare off surly looking peasants with a common pocketlighter. Flick your Bic and mumble some nonsensical incantation. "Abracadabra", or"HOCUS POCUS" are old standbys and work well, but try to be original.

. And wherever you go, remember, the brotherhood of man does not end at California's border. Ina sense, you are a Californian ambassador. It is up to you to emulate and reflect the best ofour enlightened society. If you have a sense of adventure and follow the aforementioned guidelines, youshould have no problem "caring and sharing" your way across the other states. You will fosterpriceless memories, not only for yourself, but for everyone you encounter.

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Rosie on herself: -"I find the otherposters a lot more entertaining than myself. That is why I bring their names up so much. If Iwanted to read about me I would just email myself." ......Titansgal on healthy living: -"I noticed it at KentuckyKingdom on Saturday. There were kids waddling around with huge cups of coke, stuffingtheir faces with cotton candy. My kids were mad because I wouldn't let them stop at everystand and buy junk. When I told them to look around, they were satisfied with cottoncandy and a bottle of water and I made them eat fresh fruit with their chicken sandwichesinstead of fries".....Cotten candy with water? and fruit instead of french fries....that's child abuse.........austin on taxes: -"What we need in this country is a calorie tax. If thatdoesn't slow things down, we should have a pound tax based on body weight. Indexed ofcourse based on age. The only problem is "Big Calorie" owns to many politicians. (Note!This post dedicated to my good buddy Chicken Boner and the starving kids of America.)"...BEST CONSPIRACY POST OF THE WEEK... Monitor "I overheard someconspiracy nut at a gun show talking about the contrails. But he was saying the Government was using jets to spread poison (thevisible trail) to kill off the aging population before they start collecting Medicare sothat the government doesn't go broke. "........

Letter of the week.......I know you think I make these up but I really don't.....

Dear Unknown Poster,
My girlfriend is a very jealous sort, and recently she has refused to be allow me in public withor without her. We only go to family gatherings. The only problem is that her sister is extremelyattractive and has been giving me mixed signals. For example, last week we were at the shootingrange (my girlfriend is a marksman who was recently released from prison) and my pistol jammed. Asmy girlfriend tried to discover what was wrong, her sister came flying across the room, slapped herto the ground, and put the barrel of the gun in her mouth. She stared directly at me as she suckedthe dented cartridge from the chamber, smiled demurely, and put the wasted shell in my pocket. Nextweek is the annual Family Naked Boar Wrestling Contest and my girlfriend's birthday. What should Iget her for a present?

Flowers are always nice....tup

Well it's time to go again and will be back in two weeks..(got to make room for that littlepile of splinters that moved in)....and this is your UnknownPoster reminding you that Mia Lawrence,the Cheuy's Manager that sniched on Jenna and Babs, will probably be quitting or moving...so look forthose little restaurant name tags where ever you are for MIA and be sure to ask....after all, Pipers areeverywhere....and we have long memories. Oh and one last tip for the week. When eating in a restaurant,be sure to call up and complain to upper management when ever anything goes wrong at your table.

With the last gasp of Romanticism, the quelling of its florid uprising against the vapidformalism of one strain of the Enlightenment, the dimming of its yearning for the imaginedgrandeur of the archaic, and the dashing of its too sanguine hopes for a revitalized, fulfilledhumanity, the horror of its more lasting, more Gothic legacy has settled in, distributed anddiffused enough, to be sure, that lugubriousness is recognizable only as languor, or as a certainsardonic laconicism disguising itself in a new sanctification of the destructive instincts, a newgenius for displacing cultural reifications in the interminable shell game of the analysis of thehuman psyche, where nothing remains sacred. Do not remove tag.

The BuzzFile For The Week Of May 27, 2001

Greetings fellow Pipers!...If youare looking for that deep down tingly clean and think debasement means - home on a slab ...well you are at the right place......Due to continuing complaints to management, pleaseturn off all cell phones and pagers while reading the Buzz and extinguish all smoking materials.....Brought to you this week, by Crack Aficionado...read what some are saying.........."I had experimented a bit with other drugs. You know...pot, alcohol, LSD, Ecstasy, PCP,mescaline, ice, crystal meth, Special K, peyote, nutmeg, DMT, shrooms, heroin, all sorts of solventsand thinners, pretty much all the psychedelic tryptamines, Percocets, Valium, amyl nitrate, model glue,Whip-its, toad secretions and Robitussin. The usual teenage exploration stuff. But now that I've foundcrack, my experimenting days are over!" .........A little something different for you this week.You may all remember the server upgrade we went through last week. Well we now have installed theSmellScent© interface (SET TO SETTING 3). We are going to test it here on the Buzz this weekso every time you see a REDHIGHLIGHT in the BUZZ, just click on it and experience the newest in net media...smellorama......Lots going on this week....no...wait a minute.

I can't go on like this. I'm sorry everyone. There comes a time in every man's life when yourinner moral voice drowns out everything else. I have been struggling for some time now, eversince The Publisher snubbed me at the sack lunch awards here at the pipe. I can no longer supportthe opinions to which I was hired to represent. A higher moral duty to the public at large takeprecedence. I can no longer support the Bush agenda and am announcing here that I am formallyswitching my party alliance to Independent. The BUZZ has a long history of presentingdiffering views and going it's own way. Don't look at this as a move sideways. See it more as abrutal shove in the chest.

"The lure of imaginary totality is momentarily frozen beforethe dialectic of desire hastens on within symbolic chains."..... Fred Botting


The Red Cross announced this week that the price of blood per unit charged to hospitals will rise to$182.00 a pint. A rise of over 20 percent. I am outraged! Why am I only getting $15.00 a pint. Someof us depend on our blood donations to help pay our electric bills. Big Blood is setting theprices and gouging at the distribution end. .....after nearly a hundred years of business, Fordannounced this week that it will no longer be using the beleaguered Firestone brand of tires on theirvehicles.....In an attempt to recover costs, the tires had been being sold to playgrounds as swingsuntil several unfortunate accidents forced their recall.....many have been following the Utah polygamytrial recently, GUILTY says the jury....I wonder if he will feel the same way about multiple wivesonce he gets to prison or will only want to be one con's bitch.......... An Australian model poses with her rat accessory as she wears an outfit by Australian designer-labelTsubi during Australian Fashion Week in Sydney this month. This rat became a fashion victim itself asit was killed with a falling curtain rod. Apparently rats were all the rage in Sydney as they weresported on the shoulders of many a runway walker....eek............Jersey City Radio DJ GlenJones set the world record for on air DJ ing at 103 consecutive broadcast hours from his station WFMUthis weekend. Meth addicts everywhere rejoiced and declared Glen their hero.....MOVIE REVIEW...Pearl Harbor....This is a long one, over three hours. I'm not going to get into who did what to who, or the historicalinaccuracies, no I want to help you enjoy the movie. If you are like me you want to see stuff blowed up. Wellthere is pleanty of that. But the problem is they put it here and there. No, being a long movie you willmost likely have to go to the bathroom. Twice if you get the large soda. Don't sit near the aisle if thereare little kids in the center they will have to go at least four timesand as the action heats up it getstheir bladders moving. WHEN TO GO...anytime someone startsto kiss. It goes on for at least 15 minutes as they share their feelings and has nothing to do withblowing stuff up...don't worry...the kissing doesn't go anywhere and you won't missthe babes takingoff their shirts. On a serious note I had the pleasure of meeting thesurvivors of the Arizona..(pic courtesy of Swampy)..a few years back at their 2 day convention in Tucson Arizona. This movie won't give you the samefeeling the Patriot gave last summer, but it does remind us all that indeed "Freedom is not Free" and withoutthe sacrifice of our military we would not be here safe in our homes today. Enjoy the movie.

BUSH10.jpg (20507 bytes)

Buryingyour state in debt, $50 billion dollars, Being elected Governor, $300 million dollars,blaming the GOP for everything and not having anyone notice....priceless.

Speaking of baseball.......Bitzpostedthe following quote recently in response to a certain "English gentleman" attacking baseball on thethreads - "America has been torn down and rebuilt and torn and rebuilt by an army of bulldozers.But baseball, Ray, baseball is the one constant. It's what allows a son to relate to his father and hisfather to relate to his grandfather. It's that one constant thread that brings us all together. Baseballis the constant yardstick that measures the passage of time.Oh, they'll come Ray. They will indeed come. They'll be drawn by an inner-voice that directs them herefor reasons unknown. They'll show up at your door and ask to take a look around the place. "Of coursewe don't mind if you take a look around" we'll tell them. "We just ask that you pay a few dollars tohelp keep things running." And they'll pay. They'll gladly pay because something inside of them willtell them that this place is special. That this place is good. It'll remind them of when they werechildren and life was carefree and wonderful.Build it and they will come. ".....I defy any limey out there to show me any lines from anymovie greater than those! (And don't feed me that Chariots of Fire crap!) "
,,......,,hey Bitz, have you seen the newgeneric baseball cards?


SunnyUSA led off on the threads about Rosie this week with thispicture and it wentdown hill fast after the chub club chunky came out at the Daytime Emmeys this week...well sort of.....thanking and dedicating the little phallic statue to her ....her....gal friend .....Badeye had the pearlwith "I fail to see the interest in a obese lesbian gun grabber"...

Mr Peabody on Rosie
She ain't exactly pretty
Ain't exactly small
Forty-two, thirty-nine, fifty-six
You could say she's got it all

Martha Stewart Tips For Pipebombers

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply crossout the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone byholding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear andoccasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned tofast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove thedirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The rednails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unlessyou have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should beselected.)

If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour ajug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage isalmost instantly removed.

*****Note to all invited to the Buzz award dinner this Friday: - Martha Stewartwill not be dining with us as indicated on the invitations. I'm telling you in advance, sodon't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes.Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run,it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not havethe desired welcoming effect. The dining table will not be covered with expensivelinens, fancy china or crystal goblets. Ifpossible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this ISa dinner, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santanapkins from last Christmas. Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruitand flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decorationhand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is aturkey.....tup

Attack ofthe 50 Foot Senator

When we last left Hillary she had just discovered her beloved Bill in the arms of anotherwoman and in a desperate attempt to clear her mind, drove into the night..... Join us asthe story continues in PART TWO - "The Probe"

A BUZZ FILE Production,Directed by TheUnknown Poster, screenplay by Phoenix, graphicarts by Feral52

Sultry it was and humid, but no whisper of air caused the plump, laden spears of golden grain tonod their burdened heads as they unheedingly awaited the cyclic rape of their gleaming treasure,while overhead the burning orb of luminescence ascended its ever-downward path toward a swelteringcelestial apex, for although it is not in Kansas that our story takes place, it looks godawful likeit. Hillary's shoulders clenched and jerked forward as the beam of light pawed and grabbed at her.She gripped the steering wheel with her muscular thighs, fighting to remain earthbound. Her powerfullegs proved no match for the steady pull of the beam and as blackness overcame her she felt herselfrise, almost drifting, into the light....still holding the steering wheel.

Hillary awoke frightened, prone, and exposed. The back lit white examination tablefelt cool under her liberalskin, and bathed her in a blanket of soft light. A harsher bright light over her head hurt hereyes and blured her vision. Three dark creatures hovered over their captive and ran their filthyalien fingers along her skin attaching wires. Agoppl, the head alien, confident in his alienmasculinity, wasamused at the ripple of goose pimples that eagerly followed his gnarly digit. Slowly tracingsmall circles at first then wider and wider until her crater like stretch marks themselves wereexplored. Hillary could no longer control herself , arched her back and released ina spasm of galactic frenzy. "theearth female is ready for the probe now" Agoppl gargled in his alien tongue.

Experienced in such matters, the alien slowly inserted the waiting probe to it's mid point andturned his attention toward the pulsating controls. Instantly, something drew him back to his subjectand he focused on the Earth female's leaking orbs. Somehow he knew, felt, that she wanted all theprobe, his probe, and he began to slightly nudge the slender instrument with the palm of his alienhand. Feeling no resistance, he plunged the probe to it's hilt. Hillary gasped, and pushedagainst the invading alien technology, swallowing it whole. Agoppl had never before seen suchbehavior in an Earth subject and called the others closer. They took turns then, pushing andprobing amid the wild shrikes and gyrations of their subject. Hillary, awash in release, felther eyes open wide and her spinchter pucker as Agoppl gestured to hisassistant. A cabinet opened and his thin slitted lips formed a dry grin as the alien held aloft alarge black studded probe. Hillary drifted into blackness.

End of part Two....next week.....Hillary grows.


Sign up to be abducted by an alien....or you cannow purchase the experience of a true alien abduction....Experience the Abductalizer foryourself.

Top Fifteen Things overheard at Roswell This Week:

  • 15."Man, I coulda saved NASA a heap o' money. I done been to Mars and it ain't nuthin' but a buncharocks."

  • 14."Isn't that Larry King down on one knee with that alien?"

  • 13."Alright, everyone, listen up: Heaven's Gate cult freaks in this line, drunk rednecks in thisline, and X-Philes and Trekkies over there."

  • 12."Fifteen bucks to view an alien colostomy bag?"

  • 11."False alarm, everyone, calm down! And you two, put that Frisbee away, for cryin' out loud!"

  • 10."Better get another case of aluminum foil and some more wire -- these Genuine Alien Artifactsis sellin' like hotcakes!"

  • 9."What they *also* won't tell you is that one of them Kennedy boys was a-drivin' when theycrashed."

  • 8."Hey, Dude, when does Garcia start playing?"

  • 7."They're *not* dead! I'm telling you... Kurault was driving, Sagan held me down and Cousteau workedthe probe!"

  • 6."...And when the alien returned our son to us, he left us this lone sequined glove."

  • 5."So then they took me onto their ship and probed me. And like a fool, I believed it was 'special'and they would 'call me.' Aliens are scum, Marge. When am I gonna learn?"

  • 4."and I hear they's the ones what gave us Cheeze Whiz."

  • 3."Programs, getcher programs here! Can't tell the cover-ups without a program!"

  • 2."Hey, Eunice, pass me the Sterno."

    and the Number 1 Thing Overheard in Roswell, NM, This Week...

  • 1."Hey there, Sweetness. How'dya like a close encounter of the Earl kind?"



Thecharge nurseand employee from O company arrive and tell me I must pay for "24" hours of Oxygen.I say 'fine"...THEN THEY TELL ME THAT IN 24 HOURS THEY WILL COME TO THE END OF MY ISLAND AND TAKE THEOXYGEN BACK!.. I said.... think !...does it seem logical to YOU that they want let me leave thehospital without oxygen , then they will drive all the way to the end of east Jesus and take itALL BACK , in 24 hours...... well, all of you can see what is coming...."Well, VET can't help itthat is vat the order says '....(me) but YOU made out the damn order ..is that what the doctorwanted to order ? (them) " of course Mine Herr , or zee order vouldn't say 24 hours ! If this soundslike "Catch 22' you are right except it is real ! (me) Lets check with the doc, OK ?...(them) but wealready have the herr doctors order we don't need to check ! (me)..".I'm not leaving this damn roomtill I talk to the doctor and one of them tells me that we a wasting all this money for just 24 hoursworth of Air'.... (two females leave room in huff )...

Thirty minutes later 'Frick and frack' return and state that they caught the Doctor in her car on theway out of town for the weekend ( at this point they were pleased with themselves for having reached asolution). The Doc had of course , given an order for 30 days of oxygen, 24 hours a day. I could nothelp but ask these two women that looked as if they had been in the Crimea with Miss Nightingale, ifthey had in all their years EVER issued an order of one days oxygen ? They looked at me blankly andsaid "NO , but what did that matter ?'...You think this is over ? NOoooooooo, Ten minutes later theyappear in the room with a small device to measure my blood oxygen. After showing them how to use it,I ask a question(knowing the answer, as I have opened a hospital form scratch and written the regsfor same).

"Why are you doing this ? (them) Because we cannot approve oxygen if the saturation level is over88% !! ' (Me) " Ladies, see this hose in my nose ? well, that IS OXYGEN...and my level will be app..96% if you measure it now. My needs are at night when it drops extremely low and causes me to missspell words and type too much ,and make a buddy named Badeye eyes bleed. Their answer was of course, the now familiar, " but that is the requirement of the government ' (me ) But I am paying for it! (Them) " Yes, but the government may pay for it later.' They then suggested, "Mr. Watson, if youwill remove the oxygen, and hold your breath for about 15 minutes we will come BACK ! and thenmeasure the oxygen level !!! Perhaps then it will be under 88% and you can have oxygen at home.I would like to say that I fought and won the battle with logic and rational thought..but onelook into the deep black eyes of my adversary and, much like looking for a knowing return in theeyes of a cow, I knew this battle could not be won. I held my breath for some three minutes, triedseveral knee bends, and then remembered to think of Ann Coulters legs ! (that always takes mybreath away) the women returned and my blood oxygen was 75% , while this qualified for Air italmost called for the rescue squad to come to the hospital to revive my sorry ass...and THATreally would have been a first.

I just read this morning that a nurse at the Hospital was caught sleeping in the morgue in one ofthose damn drawers where they tried to put me... she said she had ben there for months and that withthe gas burner she didn't even have to go upstairs for coffee. The staff is at a loss of course asthe regs do not on their best day contemplate that....hear she is comfortable, still there and thehospital is humming with teutonic precision and efficiency. Funny ,no nurses have ask for vacationor days off since they moved this gal to head of nursing staff... surely it has nothing to do withthe two girls still missing that took a day off without permission ? ...surely


Falling under the best rant of the week category..... kiwinews - "I am notinterested in the president's relatives as long as they keep their paws off the levers of powerand heir snouts out of the public trough. It would be nice if the press had actually had a policyof leaving political progeny in peace instead of just a Happy Clappy Clinton Administration SacredCow-a-thon, because then the muzzle would apply equally to the Misses Bush. Should any member ofany politician's family behave badly while in a representative situation (like delaying AirforceOne's takeoff on a trip to Egypt, further snarling air traffic in an already unsafe area of theworld, or presuming a license to share the name and bed of a president is a mandate to sharepolitical power in a republic) then they deserve to be dragged over the coals - they're on OurTime. Otherwise they're just people with relatives in government" .......Wells - "Cheney/Bush have handled theCalifornia situation so poorly that many moderate Republicans in the state are now turning on thisguy.Californians believe that corporations are behind this problem and that they are reaping windfalls offthe misery that is suppose to be coming to California. They also believe that Bush and Cheney arecooperating with corporations as a further means of rewarding wealthy energybarrons in Texas."........GrannyK - "As thecool Miss'ssippi evening airenfolded him, he scootched down a bit in the massive recliner, which groaned under his steadilyincreasing weight, and scratched at his jaw, then smoothed his beard with his long fingers..."That litigate5...boy howdy!" The telephone rang in the back part of the house, and he heardMissus Dawg's dulcet, gentletones as she verbally cut yet another Sprint salesman into ribbons...he sighed withsatisfaction, knowing that at last she was his, all his, forever...he brought up onewell-shaped fist to his forehead, and gently hit himself. "You brute!" he whispered..."You horn dog..." he berated himself...."the luckiest man in the world..." He poppedanother icy ring...red glowed above the tree line in a sweet reminder of the fire in hisheart and his wife's...the sky looked like her rosy skin after a day in the sun, and thesilhouetted leaves like black lace against the silken texture of the sunset..." ....


Erika - Why are the conservativeshere so down? You'd think they'd be thrilled and positive now that Bush has been appointed President.After all, the big energy buddies and campaign contributors are still elated. To them it doesn'tmatter if he's relected, they got their tax cut and got to gouge the consumers. They're happy.

MhGinTN - Erika, you poor bittersoul. Appointed?... You are a very unhappy camper. Try to really enjoy life ... without having to dothe typical liberal misrepresentation foolishness. Live, girl. Stop allowing the bile to bubble.LIVE!


Dear Unknown Poster,
I am a nubile, young 18-year-old woman who craves the attention of men. I have always been faithfulto my boyfriend but now I think he is having an affair with another woman. He tells me he wants meto stay home when he goes out with "the guys" and all I can think is that he is with another womanso I may as well be having an affair with another guy. Do you think my jealousy is unreasonable?

Persistent jealousy is a common problem among victims of alien abductions. The only way to discoverwhether this is a valid feeling of jealousy or a deeper, hidden, more serious problem, is to comein for a hypnosis session at my office where I can get you into a naked - I mean a controlled environmentso I can examine the situation carefully. Please call soon for an appointment.

Dear Unknown Poster,
I am a young, attractive woman at the peak of my sensuality. I should be happy in my life and I would beif it weren't for this terrible problem with tooth sensitivity. My teeth are extremely sensitive to coldtemperatures like cold drinks but they aren't really affected by heat. My dentist said he can't seeanything wrong. What do you think is causing this?

There are many possibilities for this problem but the most likely one is that you were abducted byaliens who planted tracking devices into your teeth. You should come to my office as soon as possibleand get naked so I can scan you with my Quartz Crystal Tomography Scanner. It scans naked women in thepeak of their sensuality for alien implants and disturbances in their aura. If you can't come in person,you can send me a naked picture of yourself and I can scan the photograph. For best results we'll needseveral photographs of you in several different poses.

Dear Unknown Poster,
I am a middle-aged, overweight man with a number of health problems, including acne, severe halitosis andchronic body odor. I don't really care about those problems, though, I've learned to live with them. Iam writing to you because I have this problem with tooth sensitivity. My dentist doesn't see anythingwrong but I can't get over this problem with tooth sensitivity. I have experienced several hours ofmissing time over the past few years and I was wondering if I might have been abducted by aliens andhad tracking devices or something placed in my teeth. Does this sort of thing ever happen? If so, isthere anything I can do to find out if that's what happened to me?

Gargle twice a day with a fluoride rinse. That shouldtake care of your tooth sensitivity.


Join us next time as we present a special California Edition of the Buzz direct from the golden state. It looks like Bush says he is finally going to step foot in Ca and we want to be there in casehe really shows up. In the mean time, here are a few energy saving hints for electricity strapped leftcoasters courtesy of phoenix: - "To save money while cooking, steam your vegetables while you shower.....Also kitty litter works justas well as water wasting toilets. Help the environment too andmake yourself a "Davis Box".......until then ....The UnknownPoster.

Dialectical critical realism may be seen under the aspect of Foucauldian strategic reversal--of the unholy trinity of Parmenidean/Platonic/Aristotelean provenance; of the Cartesian-Lockean-Humean-Kantianparadigm, of foundationalisms (in practice, fideistic foundationalisms) and irrationalisms (in practice,capricious exercises of the will-to-power or some other ideologically and/or psycho-somatically buriedsource) new and old alike; of the primordial failing of western philosophy, ontological monovalence,and its close ally, the epistemic fallacy with its ontic dual; of the analytic problematic laid down byPlato, which Hegel served only to replicate in his actualist monovalent analytic reinstatement intransfigurative reconciling dialectical connection, while in his hubristic claims for absolute idealismhe inaugurated the Comtean, Kierkegaardian and Nietzschean eclipses of reason, replicating the fundamentsof positivism through its transmutation route to the superidealism of a Baudrillard.