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END OF PART ONE - Next week...."The Probe"

HENNY IN THE HOSPITAL - Part One
I know many of you are curious about Hennypenny and his stay in the hospital recently. Rumors have been runing wild on the pipe. Everything from lyposuction to gender re-assignment. I asked him to pen a little about his experience....TUP HENNYPENNY

...would you ask Pacasso to draw a particular sized pic with colors to match the drapes ? never mind. ..Jeezzzzz 1:) In Hennyvile we have a small Hospital.. I know , I know, the big boys say their day is over , that they are not economical ...well, fry my grits, anyone of you threadsters think the Big Hospitals are giving it away ?....not since Jesus served food...not on your life... .which often it is . Give me the small hospital every time for the normal things that go wrong with the old body. For the special things guess you are stuck with the big 'uns. But god save your immortal soul if you go there alone or with out a bank book that would embarrass a Banker in its riches. Let us just agree ,big Hospitals suck .......and go on with it Here ,we all know each other and see each other socially. This could , of course , have some implications if you go there for claps...but my gracious no one in Hennyville would have THAT.... do you figure ? I say we know everyone well that's not really true , some of the nurses come here after being handed around like the last cold biscuit at the thanksgiving dinner. Why, Hell we all know , drugs , but the big hospitals and their personnel managers refuse to tell you that a past employee has a problem , like trying to sniff up the white highway line between Atlanta and snellville or that she held the chief surgeon hostage for two days in the OR , until the darvoset ran out and he stopped riding her around the room on his back.... You find these things out later, of course, standing on the roof of the hospital trying to get the bitch not to jump with the only really good C0 2 monitor in the building. Hennyville Hospital, as some wag smarted off , "bet they iron your sheets," well yes , fart face, AND they hang them out to dry in the sun when they can...Nothing like the smell of warm nurse AND warm sheets when you are feeling down an low. My operation, went well ; three and one half hours of deep sh*t course I was out for the whole thing, but I bribed the Or nurse to tell me the jokes they were telling over my body. Once the Doc referred to my stomach as "climbing Mt. Suribatchi again"and as most do made several runs on the nurses in the room. The next afternoon , when his colleagues were standing around I whispered to him that I didn't want it to get out but that I had been awake most of the time but couldn't talk...and should I tell anyone. then when I chastised him for hitting on the girls and making fun of my stomach, he sorta folded an sat on the edge of the bed. He said," Jesus Henny! why didn't you say something. I remarked that it was hard all the pain an all ,getting a word in through his sexual innuendo. I tried to hold it ,but Walt looked so bad that I was afraid he might pass out...I smiled and he jumped up and said well, then lets see about those stitches.....folks this is free advice , Never , never , ever piss off the Doctor while you still have stitches in your fanny. No matter how good a Hospital is ..and this is good , no great ! They will have someone around, usually someone they would like to get rid of but the government won't allow it. Age, stupidity, color, gender, or lack of information, and that single person is dedicated to killing you. with the best of intentions , mind you, but deader that Hillary's heart . Mine visited me that last day hours before I left...last chance I reckon. She came in the person of Miss Erika Von Hindenberg, a woman of such clouded past that some had heard her refer to the "Prague Spring" as great times ! She had come to the Hospital as a Head OR nurse , but months of calling each Doctor" Herr Stupid "and telling them that her mentor would have never done it that way, had all the cutters telling their patients to take an aspirin an call in the morning. I mean things were getting desperate. They promoted her to head charge nurse and the last morning she drug the head of O2 services into my room and the following took place..Had I know what I now know , that her mentor had been Dr Mengles of German and later south American fame..never would I have spoken with such authority to her. but it was that strong voice that evidently won the day for me ..I wondered at the time why she clicked her heels and said " Ver gates"Jah volk Herr Gropenfurrier, and looked all misty eyed when I yelled at her. The last day the Doc wanted to send me home with oxygen for at least a month . ....end of part one.

The "Pipebomb"Green Gardners
CrewBall - Anyone can plant a veggie garden, hell, all you need is water. My pride and joy's are my Hazle-nut tree's. .......I planted them not really knowing what I was doing. I Found out that you need at least two of them to make one produce and after five years i am getting about 2 cups off the one tree. You have to plant them about 20 feet apart for the reproduction thingy.. I can tell when the nuts are ready to pick when they begin to fall off the tree in the fall. I planted a " Granny " apple tree near-by about the same time and it also is doing well. It's cool to see the deer come in the yard and stand on their hind legs trying to get to the couple of apple's I leave up high for just that purpose. ...... ........."Henny Crew...errrr have ANY children. ?....we had to give up on Hazle nuts they just grew like weedsa and kept jumping the fence into other things ...damn I hate anything that grows so fast you can't control it ..don't you ? " Henny, are we on the same level here? For the last 5 years I've been fighting off ice storms, droughts, Japanese Beetles and any other varmit who thought they could get away with messin with my nuts.:) It has been a pet project of mine and the last time I checked there are still only two of them...hell, I still don't know which one is the male or female. Untill two years ago I wasn't sure they were going to make but they have. Last year was my best crop of nuts ever and by the looks of them this year it promises to be even better. Obviously you know something about them that I don"t. Care to share? "

lauratealeaf - We have a Buckeye tree in our front yard. It is great shade but it's hard to keep any grass growing. Some one who lived in our house before us planted some pretty daffodils and tulips and other pretty flowers and shrubs that I can't identify. My sister stole that gene from me I guess. Just talking about flowers makes me sneeze

Flapsup - My main focus is to not go near, contemplate, or even consider a garden. My wife is threatening to do something this year and I don't have the heart to tell her that it is 3 months too late for the plants she loves and just the right time for the plants she hates.

ENTERTAINMENT
J-Lo update posted this week by our Kitten with an article about little Jenny bareing more than usual in a little home movie...bad Jennifer....I suspect that's why Puffy dumped her, I mean come on.....he has his standards. Anyway, the women on the Pipe are upset and think Jenny poo should be scorned for her bad girl behavior: ...I agree with Phoenix, she just needs a good spanking....and maybe you should walk a mile in her thong before bashing her.

Kitten - "Heh Heh Heh. So the nipple queen now worries that people won't think she's a virgin anymore? Don't do the crime if you can't do the time, j.lo."

SunnyUSA -"She is so over-rated and full of herself.... I really don't see what all the hype is about her. She has no class that's obvious - and because she wore that HO - topless dress at the Oscars she got very little TV/press coverage because it was obscene to show audiences ...... That stunt backfired on her plus you are the company you keep - and apparently she likes slimey company. . ...How long till we see scum Clinton and her dining together? "

YOU KNOW YOU ARE ADDICTED TO PBN WHEN
1.Your kids call you by your PBN screen name.
2.You change your PBN ID to something very short like " ME" so you can be the fastest "POSTER".
3.You know what the word "TOSS" MEANS
4.Your spouse leaves you messages on threads.
5.You subscribe to magazines that have " PBN Material" items.
6.You meet all of your friends on PBN.
7.You sit online all day and have aquired "PIPEBOMBBUTT".
8.You kids have quickly learned "in a minute" translates to "get it yourself my butt is velcroed to the chair"
9. Your toddlers know how to prepare their own breakfast.
10. You wake up and your dogs run get in the computer chair! They know where your going!!
11. You have your groceries delivered because you afraid of missing out on a thread.
12. Instead of a TV in your kitchen, you've moved the computer there, so you won't miss the chance to post while fixing supper.
13. You keep a porta potty by the computer.

- PIPE GEMS -
Most disturbing honors of the week go to MisterDawg this week for this little gem.... .....Erika on fitness: "By the time that is spent posting, I'd imagine the repeated conservative poster is at least 35 pounds over weight, probably closer to 50 pounds overweight. It's the GOP conservative theme. They must have an intake calorie of 10,000 daily to fight of the liberals who average 2,500 calorie intake. This caloric reductiion, as seen by the GOP, is nothing more than evil. A imit of freedom. Every GOP American has the God-given right to be 50 pounds over weight and drive a SUV"........ Rosie on Disneyland: - "The last time I was there will be the last time I was there! When my grandkids ask why all that touchy-feely crap is going on between the same gender, was the time I decided to leave and never go back. It galls me to see heterosexuals making out in public and I have asked quite a few to calm down or leave Pat's bar! Most of the homosexuals I saw were doing foreplay in front of the kids. Yukkk!".... ..austin also on the Magic Kingdom - "I just got back yesterday from Disney World. Two interesting things happened while there. We use to stay at one of the resorts named "Dixie Landing." We didn't see any signs referring to Dixie Landing. We asked a Disney Bus driver and he said Disney changed the name and it is now just part of Port Orleans resort. Then at MGM Theme Park, there is an attraction that use to feature a shoot-out between Chicago Mob guys depicting the old Mob days. All of the characters were Italian and the there was a real life actor featured that spoke with an Italian accent. They had changed the script and now the villain is a white cowboy. My wife noticed this and told me she noticed it. I have her trained to notice this sort of thing. Is this PC or what?"

MOTHER'S DAY
Another Mother's Day came and went this week and to honor all the Pipe Mothers out there I am selecting the following post:

SHENANDOAH
"I hug my Mother in my thoughts!
And if an award were given out for the "Mommy of Mommies", I believe my wife would win it, hands down.
Happy Mothers Day to all of the Mommies of Pipebomb! My hat's off to you all!"

...and of course a Mother's Day responce from Erika: - ".. .Mothers day was beautiful, as it should be. If a mother has done a good job, the seeds of hatred are dead. We realize that our emphasis lyes in our ability to produce thinking children, without hate, hypocracy, and prejudice. ... ...Mothers do not teach hatred and prejudice. Those are Godly attributes. What does that have to do with politics?"....no comment.

Has the BUZZ File helped you?...that was the question we asked this week and here are a few of the responses.

June - 43 years old
I had lost interest in intimate relations with my husband until The Buzz Files. I thought something was wrong with me. Now we are intimate like when we were first married. I can't wait until our vacation. I will print out the files and pack them!

Stella - 58 years old
My husband is so loving now that I have found sex fun again. He is like the "young buck" I married years ago.

Lynn
I had a full hysterectomy at an early age and due to that a lot of physical changes that I wasn't mentally ready to deal with. The Buzz Files have put that smile back on my husbands face. When somebody asks 'do they work?', my husband will smile and say, "Oh yeah does it ever!"

Liz - 42 years old
My husband has found new life with The Buzz. Thanks to The Unknown Poster, our life is now perfect!

Disclaimer
I am not a raving fundamentalist, a statist, a theorist, a theist, a theosophist, an egoist, fascist, communist, humanist, apologist for political or religious groups, or any other "ist" which you may be tempted to hang on me . If, for a while, the ruse of desire is calculable for the uses of discipline soon the repetition of guilt, justification, pseudo-scientific theories, superstition, spurious authorities, and classifications can be seen as the desperate effort to "normalize" formally the disturbance of a discourse of splitting that violates the rational, enlightened claims of its enunciatory modality.

Buzzfile Week Ending 7 April, 01

Greetings everyone....despite the efforts of many .....welcome to another edition of the BUZZ File.....asking: "If you went fishing for rubber boots, and accidentally caught a fish, would you throw it back?".....PaPa's got a brand new bag..... ..Feral52 just couldn't resist and posted this horrid picture this week. . ...look, I am bagged for everyone's protection....and ribbed for pleasure too... ..BREAKING.....Collision of US Plane and Chinese Jet fighter now blamed on the distraction of rich Texas Oil men civilians on board.......Before we get into it this week, I want to lay claim to the name "Puff Daddy"...turns out Sean doesn't want it anymore...could it have a little something to do with Jennifer not around to say "who's your Puff Daddy" to?....hmmmm.... ....I don't think he is over her yet....Sean, was spotted this week buying a faux fur coat for a Chihuahua.......let's see now.......who owns a Chihuahua?...oh ya....Jennifer.

"If Frankenstein had just had decent day care, things might not have turned out the way they did. Having a dad who was working all day, a mom who was never home, no brothers to speak of (or any he could claim without some type of DNA testing), grandparents his dad used for body parts -- Frankenstein, being an only child, just needed the nurturing hands (feet, and other useful appendages) of decent daycare. There is something to be said for good ol' two parent, traditional family-life. Imagine being born a 40-something conglomeration of otherwise useless, currently unneeded organs, lacking spiritual guidance, forced to leave the crib after the lightening strikes, thought of as incredibly ugly, really tall, somewhat stupid, with the social skills of the dead, and no place to go after school. And dad, being the mad scientist he is, abandoning his creation while he tickers in a dark dungeon. If only he would have sought out decent day care, where dozens of other children (and a few 40-something conglomerations) had the comfort of regulated, paid-by-the-hour attendants who could feed him, teach him how to play cards with the other children, let him sleep in a row starting at 2 pm for approximately one hour, and keep Frankenstein amused with plastic junk until dusk when the Baron would pull the Cadillac around back to take his wonderful, 6 foot 10 inch monster home for involuntary retraining in the real world."

PIPEBOMBNEWS ANIMAL KINGDOM

There have been many new posters joining the ranks of Pipebombnews lately and I have been invited to explore the terain and post a field guide to the various critters that dwell and roam this strange land. We don't want anybody to cark it or come a gutser. Now I'm no drongo and, as fit as a Mallee bull, so I have taken special care to protect myself. Most of these animals won't bite unless you poke them with a stick. So I am going to try and poke them with a stick. While new species are always being discovered and classified, the following should be of general assistance to a traveler. Spending time in this wild kingdom is enough to make anybody hit the turps.

1. - Postus Lastsecondus.. .Very common especially towards the end of a thread. Very quick and hard to pin down. Usually not aggressive unless provoked. If you catch one put all your weight on this animal, and endeavor to slip the rope under its top jaw and not get your hand bitten off...

2. - Proxy Respondius....Slow and usually very tame. This is usually a very aggresive poster, but he's got a belly full of skinks so he shouldn't give you any problems. Their plodding pace is indicative of a mild disposition. Don't be deceived though, they have been known to take down full-grown Lastsecondus' with their persistence. Use caution. , Imagine this big jigger running through the scrub, chasing you down!

3. - Lowball Indecisivneus...Identified by their quick pseudo-strike, they make all the motions of striking at their foes, but they lack the decisiveness to actually cause any harm. May fool some into leaving them alone by their sometimes rapid pseudo strikes, but rarely ever draw blood. Can be ignored for the most part as harmless...but be careful muckin' about their nest.

4.- Lowball Winocerous...a close relative of the above species, but are easily identified by their annoying call. "bahhh..wahhh" Easily the most disliked of the fauna to be found on the Pipe.. .they are a dying breed due to their inability to find mates. Like the above, they can be ignored as harmless and can be tracked by their discarded tinnies scattered in the brush.

5. - Threadicus Snipeinteruptous...An odd duck, rare but visible at times, this strange animal attracts the above species, then attempts to drive the Posturous away. No one can explain why they do this. By Crickey these scare me!

6. - Scammerius Grandious...A sly animal who entices it's prey with fake news articles. They are rare, but dangerous animals. They are hard to spot, and harder to catch. Beware and use extreme caution when responding to their posts. These run so fast that I had to drive flat out like a lizard drinking just to keep up with them

7. - Extensionus Stupideous...Very common poster who bump threads and will give you a fair suck of the sav! Found throughout the Pipe pastures. These creatures leave their smelly excrement in the most traveled places, but are too numerous to control. This is the reason we recommend boots when traveling in Pipebomb domain.

8. - Pinkus Superviserious...The elusive and sub-dominant species in our domain. They are seldom actually seen, but evidence of their presence is found as a liberal pink area in the normally neutral colored political pasture. Their high pitched cry is listened to by all the other species, and rare is the animal who will challenge them. If you do challenge them best be cautious as their postings have been known to give headaches. Best left alone.

9. - Lurkus Stinkus...A common species of poster, which is known to emerge suddenly from its lair, bite the unwary, then these yabbos scurry back to their hole. Best to avoid them, and please.. .do not feed (argue with) them.

10. - Porno Postorus Immatureous...Seldom seen, but most annoying with its odious posting droppings. They are rarely spotted because they are usually caught, and released elsewhere.

11. - Newby Innocentius...A friendly little guy and an earbasher, they come right up to you and nibble your goods! They are protected under rules polices, and are not normally dangerous, but are unpredictable and should be treated with reasonable care. These sly creatures will surely give you a technicolor yawn unless you take care.

12. - Posterious Adversarium...Two different animals all together. Crickey! These critters are really hard to understand. They seem to follow each other and feed off of each others posts. While they will hunt and post alone they really heat up when the other is near. Known to scent their territory. Best to just observe from a distance.

13. - Flammus Everytimus Ad nauseum...these are the last of the species we are discussing. They are real wobblies and quick to anger, and slow to respond to a calming voice, but can be tamed with reasonable attention. Do not provoke. Best to avoid if possible, but if cornered, do not panic...they sound viscous, but are a toothless little Galah. They quickly tire and will soon leave on their own. Keep your eye out for these creatures, and your visit to Pipebomb world will be rewarding and fun.

What's In Your Local Paper?
The Publisher's Poll this week asked a very simple question..." What's News In Your Local Paper?"... .posters had not so simple answers:

swampgas My local paper has for the most part turned into a liberal rag......2 or 3 times a week the front page story is about the celebration of 'diversity' and 'multiculturalism.' We have a mostly white population in the area and the local universities along with their propaganda arm...the local paper are trying to force it down our throats through 'brainwashing techniques' on the front pages. I know of several people who have canceled their subscriptions because they're fed up with it.

lauratealeaf "our local paper is the Stars and Stripes and it is about the military over here for the most part. It does give us the national news and some local from the states. But, usually the headline news stories are about something that is happening in the military. For example, in today's Stripes the headline articles are about the second body being found at the Scotland crash site, the Kosovo mortar attack and the trouble in Macedonia. Since the American military is made up of Americans from every state (well, probably not Massachusetts) the "local news" here can have much larger implications."

kiwinews "My neighborhood paper's a monthly and its main story is about amassive facelift for a buttugly Seventies Socialist Concrete shopping/apartment complex. Interestingly it finally admits what the rest of the world has know for thirty years - overcrowding in UGLEE architecture makes people aggressive - DUH! Shoppers stay home - DUH! A concrete "conversation pit" (rememberthem?) in an outdoor mall space collects trash, urine, and broken ankles. .....So maybe there're larger implications to the "ding dong fuglee concrete's dead while fuglee green glass marches on" story, I don't know. "

Erika "My newspaper is the Idaho Statesman. Our annual legislative session ended yesterday and if you are interested in viewing the actions of the most republican state in the nation, you can visit it at www.IdahoStatesman.com. Idaho's legislature is 100% white and 89% republican. Politics must require hostility because the republicans are heatedly fighting each other. "

cricket "Our local mullet wrapper is mostly involved with reports of 9 inches of rain overnight after weeks of drought. Also new rules for boaters to protect the manatees. And our Sec of State Harris was at a repubbie function last night. That's about it for excitement around here. "

Interested in taking a look at hometown papers.. .check out this link...I would like to make a regular feature in the column of a local news story, so if you run into something interesting in your local paper please send it in to me.

- PIPE GEMS -
JHman on Hill finding religion: - "Perhaps now finding herself old and ugly, deserted by what little of a husband she had, with no real relationship with her daughter. She feels the stirings of emptyness in her soul and seeking spiritual enlightment she grabs her bible and dashs to the be amongst those who worship the true and living God in hopes of finding that guideing ray her heart so desprately seeks. She fights her way to the forfront in hopes of a blessing, grasping for that touch of heavenly redemption and divine solace....but then again maybe not. "..... ..Banshee on Roger Clinton:"Roger Clinton is an example of white trash that Senator Robert Byrd (D-WV) was talking about when he mentioned the White "N" word on TV recently.".... ..Alysarah on Girl Scouts: "Ye gads! Is there anything liberalism hasn't corrupted? How wonderful that Girl Scouts can now get a badge for coping with stress. I'd rather have my granddaughters in the Boy Scouts"... JHman makes it in the Gems twice this week also on Girl Scouts: "From the Girl Scouts to the Garbage Scouts. Just what I want my daughter dressed up like a hiphop slut bringing home badges on how to hate her father and other males in the family. Not on my watch! ".... .Shenandoah "Civilians cannot comprehend the incalculable damage Clinton has perptrated on our Armed Forces."...

A Tale of Two BaBas....

"We have a President who stole the presidency through family ties, arrogance and intimidation, employing Republican operatives to exercise the tactics of voter fraud by disenfranchising thousands of blacks, elderly Jews and other minorities.... ."
Da Da Da Da by MisterDawg.... Da Da Da by Feral52

An Open Letter To The Unknown Poster......

Dear Unknown Poster,

Half-empty bottles of Southern Comfort scattered throughout a sparsely furnished suburban living room. The smell of week-old vomit lingers in the stale air. A woman, passed out in her own filth, is sprawled in the middle of the room, erupting into violent convulsions at an hourly rate. Her shaking hand reaches to click on the Buzz File, and a handsome bagged man appears on the screen. Her life is forever changed.

That passed-out woman was me, a few months ago. My life had fallen apart. All I had was alcohol and head lice. It was that day, that day I first laid eyes on your blank eyes, that I decided to get myself back on track. I owe it all to you. Yes, things were difficult, but I knew that you'd be there for me, every Thursday. You got me through it all. I owe my life to you, Mr. Unknown Poster. When The Buzz File went off the net the other week, I was devastated. By then I had conquered my addiction to alcohol and had moved to a penthouse in New York City and started wearing a bag myself. But life was not the same without you. The only thing that kept me going was the hope that you would have a new column, a place to bring laughter into the hearts of millions and inspire other alcoholic crackwhores like me to go straight. Alas, there was no article. And, until the highly disappointing Cecil B. Demented last year, there were no new movies either. You abandoned me, TUP. Why?

The loss of THE BUZZ left a hole in my heart that will never be repaired. I tried, oh god, I tried. I've read every one of The Publishers' editorials, I've even (gulp) read the short cuts on another site. While porno movies are enjoyable, they don't compare to you . I yearn to see your sweet bagged face again, to hear your joyful laugh just once more. Every night, I cry myself to sleep while thinking about you. You've done so much good, just by coming into our computers every week and sharing your life with us. America needs and loves you. I don't wonder why America is going to hell in a handbasket. I know why. It's because there's a hole in America's collective heart. In the hole's place used to be you. I implore you, on behalf of the United States of America and God, to stay to the net. With your help, the world can be a place of peace and harmony once again. We love you.

anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I know.....I know.....

.....Well that's it for this week Pipers...join us next week for "A Day At The Beach"... ..The Unknown Poster.

Buzzfile Week Ending 31 Mar, 01

Hello fellow posters and welcome to the Buzz File......Your one-stop shopping for meaningless drivel. The K-Mart of satire, The Chapel of Contempt in our Cathedral of Politics... powered by California PG&E... . ..... The smoking lamp is on.. ... If you ever wonder if someone gets addicted to counseling.... how could you treat them?.. ..then you are at the right place...... ....BREAKING.....George W. Bush is very concerned about Dick Cheney's recent health problems. Now Dubya knows he's only a heartbeat away from the presidency.........submissions to the Buzz, as always, may be sent through the pipe with the word BUZZ in the subject line.......... ...PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT...(via Feral).. .actress Winona Ryder arrives at the 73rd annual Academy Awards....no comment.... we have a full plate this week so let's get going.....

CHELSEA
Our look at Chelsea ....I know I know you are expecting another rash of Chelsea jokes like "What do you get when you cross a hillbilly and a lesbian? Chelsea."... .but we at the Buzz do not stoop to low humor...we were going to bring you breaking information about that creepy little Pepsi girl thanks to the sluthing of Feral52, but our feature article this week is the result of weeks of work and hundreds of man hours.......... WORLD EXCLUSIVE.. .lost for over a decade at the bottom of the box of Hillary's billing records an old Teen Beat magazine has been discovered and has fallen into the hands of our source who we only know as shallow larynx. Afraid for his safety, he has sent in the following shocking drawings that were stuck between the magazine pages..... Yes.....fellow pipebombers... ..at long last......Chelsea's Lost Refrigerator Drawings. have been found.. ..we here at the Buzz are not psychologists and present the artwork without comment.

Chelsea's Lost Refrigerator Drawings
Mommy

Daddy

Uncle Rodger

Uncle Vince

Uncle Webb

Uncle Hugh

Sox

- SHAKESPEARE for PIPERS -
lauratealeaf - "I have often wondered what the great writers of the past would think of the internet and our news forums.... ....wonder what Kipling and Shakespeare would do with it?" .. ... scooby - "If we took all the great thinkers and artists out of history and plonked them down in our age, there would never have been any Renaissance...."

Act I
Scene I
Enter Jesse and Bill, two idiots.

Act I Scene I Bill

Jesse and Bill waste time Hark, who goes there?

in a living room in front Jesse

of the television. Tis I, fart-knocker, standing aside your rear portal.

Bill

Enter kind friend, and caste thy nighted colour off.

Jesse

If it pleases you so, this inky cloak shall be imparted.

Bill

5 how it hangeth: refers 5 So, how it hangeth?

to state of male genitalia. Jesse

Common expression to So foul and fair a day I have not seen since that

ask how one's day is. incestuous cow, my mistress, fell upon my reputation and

smote it

Bill

9 flickering spirit: TV. Hark! I am called; my little flickering spirit sits in a

10 foggy cloud and beckons me.

Jesse

Oh foul cloud which issues forth from unknowest

orifices.

Bill

Onward, freshen thine eyes upon the tube.

Jesse

Is this a controller I see before me, its channel

15 buttons toward my hand? I see thee not, yet I hold

thee still. Impart, foul cloud, impart!

Bill

Will you play upon this remote?

Jesse

18 Buttmunch: derogatory My buttmunch, I cannot.

term likening someone to a Bill

buttocks. I pray you.

Jesse

20 Believe me, I cannot.

Bill

I do beseech you.

Jesse

22 Dickweed: term used to I know no touch of it, dickweed.

liken one to a penile wart Bill

Thou shall obey me!

Jesse

But my liege, the batteries are slain

Bill

25 Elevate thy rump and make haste to the set!

Jesse

Bill, Bill, wherefore art Thou Bill?

Bill

Mine parents bearest most cruel of characters.

Jesse

29 Cornholio: expresses inability Peace, break thee off or face the wrath of Cornholio

to break down corn, excreting 30 and my wretched rear end. Make watch upon. Tis a

it whole. Corn becomes stuck trio of chicks. Tis gone! They started like a guilty

in the hole [anus]. thing at the call of the cock upon fearful summons

31 Chicks: cute young females. Saw you the weird sisters?

32 Cock: rooster. Also, Bill

a name for one. There is Ay, and they were fine and shapely.

also a pun on penis. Jesse

35 Cuppith runnith over: term 35 Doth my eyes deceive me, or did their cuppith

used to describe large breasts. runnith over? What of their knockers?

36 Knockers: breasts. Bill

Some I see that two-fold spheres and treble sceptres

carry quite nicely

Jesse

What is tis that moves your...highness?

Bill

40 I do repent, but heaven hath pleased it so

Jesse

Avant! Quit my sight. Let the earth hide thee.

Bill

Scorn me not, thou shalt obey me!

Jesse

43 Buttweasel: weasel face Oh, unshaven buttweasel, how easily you rise to

resembling buttocks. such thoughts of country matters.

44 Country matters: original Bill

source of four letter expletive 45 What a foul mess within I become stuck,

to describe female genitalia all for the thought of a mere...desire.

Jesse

Thou could have rhymed.

Bill

48 Nacho: synthetic food Empty thine lap of nacho, dolt.

product. Jesse

48 Dolt: idiot. Oh cruel fate which bestows me with such stains of

ill-consumed grub. Out, out damn spot.

Bill

50 Words, words, words. Why tis you stand upon me?

Jesse

51-52 Ruptured...faculties: Block not my path! The queer nacho hath ruptured

explosive diarrhea. my most low of faculties.

Bill

Thou offence is rank; it smells to heaven; it hath the

eldest primal curse upon it. Arm you, I pray, to this

55 TP: toilet paper 55 speedy voyage. Bring TP for your needs.

Jesse

Oh, the pain doth slay my very soul. Adieu!

[Exeunt Jesse]

Bill

Thou hath my nacho much offended. Ungrateful

swine. List, list, oh list. It shatters this very massy

seat upon which I rest to hear his grunts.

60 Never alone does he sigh, but with a general groan.

61 Ceramic throne: toilet Listen now to how creaks the ceramic throne.

[Exit]

Reviews.....

Sun Times: - Sounded like a lark; a play about friends watching television staged. ..in a living room. But what you get is some sloppy and some achingly intimate work from a very good group of actors (notably Jesse Jackson and Bill Clinton, who turns in one of those performances you'll talk about for a long time). The story is merely a pretense for character studies which are, most often, successful. The action moves around and through the living room to the bathroom and you have to focus hard to catch all the dialogue. But it's worth the work. The work needs breathing space and by the time you have read this, director/writer The Unknown Poster should have tamed his venue, bringing the actors' voices up and the music down. If you are a fan of the Cassavetes films, this is a similar experience; quasi-vérité. Be warned; this is a bilingual work and you need to understand what the two bilingual characters say to each other.

Variety: - Though for all intents and purposes this is a very basic play about two people watching television, it also has flashes of brilliance both in the text (where playwright The Unknown Poster revels in words, whipping their sounds around with the same relish as, say, Toni Morrison) and in the staging (also by The Unknown Poster who pulls lovely, simple imagery out of virtually nothing). However, it is about five minutes too long with two completely extraneous scenes at the end which turn what is a mature, efficient dissection of a relationship (like we've all had or seen) into a drah-maw. The acting across the board is human and, a word I've never seen used for theatre, approachable. You move forward in your seat for these people and the actors - Jesse Jackson and Bill Clinton - keep things even. Worth a look because we'll be hearing more from this playwright.

MIR
The splashdown went down without a hitch and for those of you with Windows Media Player installed you can have a view of the lone Astronaut at the controls of the Mir during it's desent: Oh! No!....here is what some pipers had to say about the event this week.

Flapsup "In a few short moments, lost in the depths of the Pacific, the MIR will become a mere...memory...mired in the mud of the deep blue sea, mirrored in the minds of mere men...forever mired in mud... merely musing MIR"

Brynna7 " mulling mir's mismanagement, mistaken, misled, misguided, misery... "

SunnyUSA- Picture

MrPeabody -(who rode out the danger in his neighbor's wine cellar:) "I'M ALIVE - THANK GOD, I'M ALIVE!!!"

- PIPE GEMS -
GrannyK"In the category of things you should never admit on the internet, it was SUCH a lovely day here that I put on my bathing suit and worked on my garden when I got my cooking done. Love these spring days.. .....don't worry Granny your secret is safe with me... .... Monitor on Mad Cow Disease: "I'm not the black helicopter tinfoil hat wearing conspiracy type, but has anyone else wondered if maybe these animal diseases aren't being spread to herds on purpose? Peta has been known to do some really outrageous things, but even this would be over the edge for them. But still, I can't help wondering. It's certainly turning more than a few folks into vegetarians. "..... ...best Hillary bashing picture and comment of the week goes to Banshee for posting this picture along with comment: "Her Lowness, Hillary the Socialist, living in splendor, pontificates to her subjects."

Kitten Update........
Kitten checked into the Pipe from her Asia tour this week. Not to say hi but to post another Cannibal article. ....and this one.. ...."They got the priest eater in the philippines who is now running around loose. They got the dayaks down south doing their usual. Now they got the babyeater up in taiwan acting like a liberal. In a 1000 mile span, three different kinds of cannibals! Must be something in the air!" . .. "G R E E T I N G S - F R O M - S I N G A P O R E ! ...... "I could not be happier - just checking in from my favorite sing-sing cybercafe and am happy to report that this place is cleaner, prettier, richer and stronger than I remember it three years ago! Go Singapore!!!! Meanwhile, I guess cannibal business isn't confined to Indonesia. So, not only is Singapore surrounded by pirates, it's also surrounded by cannibals. How does such a place manage to stay so nice??? ....oh oh!.....now she is seeing them everywhere."

Once again time has left us and I have run out of space....and remember,,,,,Halloween Is Just Nine Short Months Away it's never too early to start thinking about your costume.....until we meet again... .The Unknown Poster

BuzzFile Week Ending - March 24, 2001
Greetings Pipers!.....And welcome to yet another edition of the Buzz file....the only internet column that asks..."if you were the only man left on the planet and Hillary the only woman....would you?".....before we get going, I want to take a minute to offer a Public Service Announcement. .. ... BREAKING......Space Shuttle Crashes Into Mir Space Station Due To Distraction Of Civilians On Board ....... The Buzz everywhere this week is the falling stock market. I don't really worry about it as I put my money into Gary Coleman memorabilia and kangaroo meat years ago. If you have investment tips to share with your fellow posters....email me....I may not be with you next week as you all know Mir will be coming down later today or tomorrow and I am in the flight path. For those concerned, or just want to watch and see if I get hit, you can follow the re-entry at Mir Entry.....and remember.....they say it carries a mutant space fungus....also this week.... ...The state of Vermont has firmly abolished gay weddings in their fair land this week.. .no news about gay wedding planners though....... THE AUSTRALIANS ARE COMING THE AUSTRALIANS ARE COMING.....yes the 2001 world KingKangaroo tour is coming to America and we are attempting to gather and print here an itinerary...so far all we have gleaned from his posts are stops in Los Angeles, Kansas City, Chicago and Toronto... ...many are wondering if he is mobbed up.......stay tuned.

"Life is like a box of chocolates -- a cheap, thoughtless perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for; unreturnable, because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So you are stuck with this undefinable whipped mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down and there is nothing left to eat. Sure, once in a while there is a peanut butter cup or English toffee, but they are gone too fast and the taste is fleeting. So you end up with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts. If you are desperate enough to eat those all you have got left is an empty box filled with useless brown paper wrappers."
Cancer Man (X Files)

SURVIVOR
Well the game went bust, but I think we did learn a few things about ourselves. With that in mind I offer the following essay on the social dynamics and inner personal relationships that developed here on the Pipe.

Total presence breaks on the univocal predication of the exterior absolute the absolute existent (of that of which it is not possible to univocally predicate an outside, while the equivocal predication of the outside of the absolute exterior is possible of that of which the reality so predicated is not the reality, viz., of the dark/of the self, the identity of which is not outside the absolute identity of the outside, which is to say that the equivocal predication of identity is possible of the self-identity which is not identity, while identity is univocally predicated of the limit to the darkness, of the limit of the reality of the self). This is the real exteriority of the absolute outside: the reality of the absolutely unconditioned absolute outside univocally predicated of the dark: the light univocally predicated of the darkness: the shining of the light univocally predicated of the limit of the darkness: actuality univocally predicated of the other of self-identity: existence univocally predicated of the absolutely unconditioned other of the self. The precision of the shining of the light breaking the dark is the other-identity of the light. The precision of the absolutely minimum transcendence of the dark is the light itself/the absolutely unconditioned exteriority of existence for the first time/the absolutely facial identity of existence/the proportion of the new creation sans depth/the light itself ex nihilo: the dark itself univocally identified, i.e., not self-identity identity itself equivocally, not the dark itself equivocally, in "self-alienation," not "self-identity, itself in self-alienation" "released" in and by "otherness," and "actual other," "itself," not the abysmal inversion of the light, the reality of the darkness equivocally, absolute identity equivocally predicated of the self/selfhood equivocally predicated of the dark (the reality of this darkness the other-self-covering of identity which is the identification person-self).

It thus relativizes discourse not just to form--that familiar perversion of the modernist; nor to authorial intention--that conceit of the romantics; nor to a foundational world beyond discourse--that desperate grasping for a separate reality of the mystic and scientist alike; nor even to history and ideology--those refuges of the hermeneuticist; nor even less to language--that hypostasized abstraction of the linguist; nor, ultimately, even to discourse--that Nietzschean playground of world-lost signifiers of the structuralist and grammatologist, but to all or none of these, for it is anarchic, though not for the sake of anarchy but because it refuses to become a fetishized object among objects--to be dismantled, compared, classified, and neutered in that parody of scientific scrutiny known as criticism.

Rebuttals are, of course, welcome and can be sent to the BUZZ.

Quotes of the week....
George W. Bush..... ``A lot of times in the rhetoric, people forget the facts. And the facts are that thousands of small businesses -- Hispanically owned or otherwise -- pay taxes at the highest marginal rate, because most small businesses are not incorporated, they're sole proprietorships...,''

``We thought it would be so subversive to take someone who's real, and maybe a little vilified, and try to make everybody love him.''......-- TREY PARKER, co-creator of ``That's My Bush,'' a comedy series about PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH.

Kitten's Cannibals
" How would you like to be beheaded and eaten by a scumbag named WeeWee? ".. ..Kitten

As everyone knows, our Kitten has been keeping us up-to-date on the little Cannibal problem going on in Indonesia. Boy has she been keeping us up-to-date. You may remember her quote from last week:

"I know few people care, but the f***ing cannibals are getting away with it. They know no one cares. Obviously Indonesia cannot be invaded but there should be sanctions on cannibal-made goods or some darn thing like that.".

Well....I put out the word for anyone who had suggestions of possible Cannibal made goods and promised a mention in the Buzz this week to anyone who sent them in and with that in mind:

From: mgc1122
To: The Unknown Poster

Thought I'd take you up on a list of potentially cannibal made items. They are mostly food items and include: Head cheese Foot longs Rump roasts Bloody Marys And, if we are serious about this stuff, we should surely have an "arms" embargo (get it?). .....ya, we get it

Cannibals at the movies......
Cannibal The Musical...... ....Cannibal Women

In 1979 four documentary film makers disappeared into the jungle while shooting a film about Cannibals.....there film has now been found

Cannibal Editorial.......
But are Cannibals getting a bad rap? Aren't they just people who are fed up with other people? When they eat a clown, does it taste funny to them. Certainly there is danger in passing a Cannibal in the woods. But Certainly they have manners like the rest of us and never leave the table until everyone's eaten. Or if arriving late to dinner I imagine they receive a cold shoulder from the host. When they watch television wouldn't they laugh like us while watching a celebrity roast?.....Their children attend schools as we do and like us, butter up their teachers. I say it is time we embrace our diversity. If two Cannibals are sitting by a fire and one blurts out "I hate my mother-in-law", we should empathize and say "so try the potatoes"...I just wonder how Martha Stewart would host a Cannibal party. Thanks to Feral52 for finding and posting this article showing we have a rich history in eating our own here in the US as well.

Cannibals in the news.....
A Filipino cannibal who killed and ate a priest said people should no longer fear him because he turned vegetarian during his time in prison. Noberto Manero has been released from jail after serving a 12-year sentence for murdering the Italian priest. When he was freed, he said he wanted to move to an area where there were few priests, claiming he "no longer has a taste for men of the cloth".. ...article

People who eat People

People. People who eat people
Are the hungriest people in the world.
Some parents, fed up with being parents,
After tanning their children's hide,
Fried all the meat inside,
And fed starving children their children.

Miners are tough and stringy people.
They're the hungriest people in the world.
With one person, one tough and stringy person,
A feeling deep in your gut
Says you were starved, now you're not.
No more hunger and thirst,
Be the first on your lifeboat to eat people.
People who eat people
Are the hungriest people in the world.

Kitten and Monica.....
Kitten also reported this week on a thread that she "accidentally" bumped into Monica Lewinski on the streets of New York recently. I contacted The Real Monica handbag company and attempted to verify this story, but only received the following reply:

"Ms. Lewinski is a famous person and people follow her all the time trying to initiate contact. Unfortunately, people are always "bumping" into her either accidentally or on purpose. We can not and do not encourage strangers to approach her".......If Kitten has "accidently" bumped into you....email the Buzz...we want to hear about it.

THE PUBLISHER
The Publisher Weekly Editorial......
The Publisher graced us this week with a look at the California power crisis titled California - Here It Comes.

....."Gray Davis was hiding in a bunker in deserted downtown Sacramento, meeting with the brain trust who had only 6 months earlier assured a nervous populace that there was no reason for alarm at the constantly increasing brown and blackouts"... ....

As it is the policy of the Buzz to offer equal time we present the following rebuttal.

phoenix: - Here we go again. I think all of you are being quite selfish. If you knew how much it costs to keep my hot tub going properly you wouldn't be so quick to criticize. Is it too much to ask that you all chip in just a little? If it wasn't for our great state most of the rest of you living in "lessor" type states would be deprived of the culture and cutting edge politics that we export. I think a little gratitude is in order here. I am shocked! Outraged! That The Publisher would whip you up into this frenzy. For without our high tech industry he would be relegated to handwriting his editorials and sailing them out his office window as little folded airplanes. If you all would put your energies into say a battery drive, or as I have previously suggested, adopt a Californian, maybe just maybe, when this mess is over, we in the land of milk and honey might forgive you.

- PIPE GEMS -
Best picture posted on the pipe this week goes again to rustynail .... . .looks like Feral52 has a little competition in the graphics department.. ...On the "Worse Country Song Titles" thread Keri piped in with these: "Worst title? Santa if You Want to Keep the Beer Real Cold, Put it Next to My Ex-wife's Heart. Also--I Can't Get Over You Till You Get Out From Under Him".... .. scooby on manhood - "He's got big balls, she's got big balls, but I've got the biggest balls of them all!".. ..very well scooby, but what about Janet Reno?... .. Flapsup on the Bill for Mayor of NYC - "They'll have to quit calling it the "Big Apple" because with Clinton it'll just end up rotten to the core. ..... ..... gopher on the Oscars: "I don't usually watch. I only like to see what kind of clothes they wear... . or don't wear as the case may be! Whatever happened to the nice sexy dresses that they used to have. Left a little to the imagination! Now everyone and their dogs can see their appendix scar (along with all the goodies). The types of clothes they wear reminds me of a guy who goes around bragging about his "equipment" or how "good" he is. If ya gotta brag, ya ain't got it! (or you're at least worried)".... IncaDove "The people I find most annoying are those who are smug in what they believe-- smug believers, smug non-believers- - the most annoying people in the world. I generally find they have very little to be smug a bout. They overestimate themselves.".....well, that's your opinion.

Best Tit for Tat of the week

MisterDawg "God Kill the Queen!!!! !! I've found that pouring a gallon of bleach on the mound will accomplish that "

QueenElizabeth1 "Mister Dawg, How Many Gallons of Bleach would it take to clean out your Filthy mouth?? "

Letter to the BUZZ of the week......edited...
Dear Unknown Poster,
It has been so difficult for me to tell you this, but _______, I ______ you It's amazing how much those _____ little words can mean. Yet they're not nearly enough to describe a heart that's _______ with ______ and ______ only for you. When I think of the ______ we'll _____ together, I'm filled with ______ and _____. I only want to make you ______, and I want to show you how much I ______ about ______. I want to know you're _____ forever, and that you're willing to _____ ____ with me. Please tell me that you _____ me ______. If only there were stronger ______ to ________ what I feel for you, but for now, I ______ you will have to do. But imagine how wonderful it will be when ____ _____ you.
Love,
______________

Dear _____,
You are more ________ than the _________ as the rising sun shatters the gray and casts golden ribbons upon the horizon. _________ are more enchanting than midnight's silver stream, disrupting the _______ with life, magic, and light. _____ and_______ more alluring than a siren's song. You sing to my ________ and _______, calling ______ to _____-. You have all the grace and ________ of an ______ in flight, spreading _________ and _______- everywhere with a promise of forever.

Love,
The Unknown Poster

That's if for now and as Confucius would say.... "Crowded elevator smell different to midget."...until next time.. ..The Unknown Poster

DISCLAIMER
There is an extremely small but nonzero chance that, through a process known as "tunneling," this article may spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear at any random place in the universe, including your neighbor's domicile. The Buzz will not be responsible for any damages or inconvenience that may result. The subatomic particles (electrons, protons, etc.) comprising this article are exactly the same in every measurable respect as those used in the writing of other articles, and no claim to the contrary may legitimately be expressed or implied. Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," it is impossible for the reader to find out at the same time both precisely where this product is and how fast it is moving. The most fundamental particles in this article are held together by a "gluing" force about which little is currently known and whose adhesive power cannot therefore be permanently guaranteed. Despite any other listing of this article contents found hereon, the reader is advised that, in actuality, this article consists of 99.999999999999% empty space.

Greetings once again Pipebombers! Welcome to a special edition of the BUZZ. You would have to be living in a cave not to have heard about our intrepid Pipebomb survivors and "The Game". This week you all get to meet your Survivors, learn a little more about it, and see what has been happening on the island of Cyberbonga........ But first ....many have guessed, but no one got it right...... The winner of the Pipe Best Looking Baby contest was no other that our own Dogpatch cutie... .little Daisymay ....thanks to everyone who sent in the pictures.....now on with the Survivors..... Feral was at it again this week with this little graphic gem picture and this one....and this one.... on the Survivor game...... Dasisymay" I can't tear myself away from this darn computer...hubby is looking at me with "that look" because I keep jumping up and running to the office to check in here and see what is happening with the "Survivor" game. I'm hooked!! "....us too Daisy.

Although many sent in their applications, only a few made the final cut. Just who can survive....who has what it takes to survive the pipe?..... .You will remember from last week that the Survivor that sent in the best Haiku about the Pipe won immunity from this weeks vote off the island....and the winner is.....

FLAPSUP
Pipes are roads
The bombs of thought
Art of words

ok it might not be in exact haiku form, but we felt it was from the heart.....

Lets meet our survivors, see some of the haikus and what they had to say....
My fellow Pipebombers. I am please to announce the following list of Pipebomb Survivors. These brave posters will battle each other and suffer the taunts and mocking of those watching. Who among them has what it takes to survive the pipe?. Congratulations Survivors, you made the first cut and are players....you have already survived

1- Brynna7 - "Taught myself to use computer! That wasn't from being a survivor--that qualifies as a miracle! "

2- Lauratealeaf - "I am interested in playing your game survivor because it sounds like something that I can put on my resume .. .. Thank you very much, and most sincerely," "I'm in Lucyredboots....We are gonna have to play the way we did in the back pasture with the neighborhood gang.....lots of big sticks for weapons and horses racing around after us and a stream to leap over"

3- Crewball - "All right, sign me up, sounds like fun and hope this thing goes over big! But be warned, keep all the liberal's and homo's away from me. If they touch me or any of my stuff, I'll Kill-um!!! Love, peace and Mickey Mouse "

4- Badeye- "I want to play the "Survivor" game to hear at the end the screams of my fellow players agony, and the lamentation of their women and children.
Haiku entry
PBN Opens Wide
Into it a Conservative Slides
Liberals in decline

5- Sandpaints - "OK*** I* am in** the *Survivior** game**** OK** *WHY** Because *I* am *A* nutty *Poster** & Love to (PUT) *****(Tweetie) in it too**! ~ Have (LOTS) of (Tweeties) that will *MAKE* all the others *GO* NUTS** OK!~ "

6- Scooby - " Alrighty chief, sign me up. Here's my haiku:
Smoke me a kipper.
I'll not eat broccoli again.
Spam is good with fudge."

7- GrannyK -"Must I know why I wish to play this game or may I Simply play it? Do I have to write something else? This sounds like fun--and just think--I can be useful as the first one voted off! "

8- swampgas - " I was born a survivor...so for I've survived...A broken hip,2 fractured> skulls,7 concussions,about 8 broken ribs,broken fingers and toes too numerous to count,nose broken twice,hit in the mouth with a baseball twice,about 50 collisions a home plate, a head-on car crash,hit by a car when I was 11,countless full contact sandlot football games with no equiptment,a few dozen knockdown-dragout brawls,a severe case of food > poisoning,a torn rotator cuff, flat broke twice, 3 motorcycle accidents,etc,etc .... "

9- Rosie - "I want to play survivor to see if I have what it doesn't take to survive. My haiku is dedicated to Hennypenny so that if he plays he will help me survive. "
Hennypenny is
A diamond in the rough
With a gold plated heart.

10- Nitewind -"I would like to TOSS my hat in the ring for your SURVIVAL Challenge. I have as references holding my own and better against TOS the Liberal Media, Liberal Posters along with a few wayward Libertarians and Conservatives anywhere for over 3 years. Besides I would really enjoy having a competition of sorts with our Aussie Buddies also, if they got the SPINE to join :)"

11- SunnyUSA " I'd like to test my 'survivor' skills in your little pipebomb challenge. > I'm not sure what the challenges will be, but I'm willing to try my best and > find a way to beat some of the liberals/or friends on this forum. This is a > pretty interesting study in human dynamics and psychology and I think we all > secretly like to think we are all survivors, but rarely get tested in real > life. (or we have no idea we were being tested, till it was 'over') I > recently saw Cast-a-Way so I know 'how to make fire' and 'crudely sharpened > tools' and I'm good at 'talking to myself' LOL . ..and then there is my > 'winning personality and smile' but you'll have to take my word on that! > I'd like to play! :)"
The PipeBomb Haiku for Immunity:
From all Walks of life we Sit
to Post Facts, Fights, Laughs or lurk
Pipebomb's more fun than work!

12- USVisitor (JJ) " JJ has brought transportation to our cyber island as indicated by this picture he posted of his gallant steed."
Haiku:
A Bit of Brit grit,
Is what is needed to win,
When the war begins.

13- Flapsup -" Okay.. .sign me up for survivor, because I can be as incorrigible, conniving, > cunning, and scheming as the next bomber, not to mention trustworthy, loyal, and brave. All for fun of course. "
Pipes are roads
The bombs of thought
Art of words

SURVIVOR - THE GAME
While sailing the South Pacific on Bill Mayer's private yacht, the SS"Hillary" a storm suddenly attacks the boat. As the boat breaks apart, the survivors grab and claw at the lone liferaft. The Publisher jabs at them with his oar and shouts "get away...you will swamp my dingy"....As the Survivors tred water, the dawn reveals a small island rising from the shrouded mist in an eternal fog. Our group of castaways pull themselves onto the deserted beach. The sand is littered with wreckage and the bodies of their dead fellow travelers. A quick head count of the living reveals our 13 survivors. While Survivor SunnyUSA and Survivor Scooby check the pockets of the dead, one of the figures moves....... It is alive! Horribly disfigured from the accident and unable to speak, it is quickly wrapped in Palm leaves. Apparently there is a fourteenth survivor.......Taking stock of their meager supplies, they find three blankets, 500 pounds of moldy potatoes, three matches, a box of Phoenix's cheezy romance novels, a case of libertarian pamphlets, a blow up love doll, and a knife. There is ample drinking water and firewood available.......Where the beach ends, a dark and forbidding forest looms. Strange animal noises can be heard in the darkness. At the forest edge there is an alter of some sort, indicating that the island is indeed visited from time to time by the bloodthirsty dreaded Bongas. Next to the alter is a crude sign written in Bongaleze pointing toward a path that reads NADREG!

(the following was chosen by the luck of a draw) Survivor SunnyUSA volunteers to take care of the "mystery survivor"....... Survivor Lauratealeaf refuses to live in the crude shelter the group builds on the beach line and constructs a treefort above the camp in a tall palm...... Survivor USVisitor shows an amazing ability to catch fish...... Survivor Badeye has a problem with the food and develops a gas problem..... .. Survivor GrannyK dives for the knife and neatly tucks it in her waistband... ..... Survivor Nitewind displays an amazing ability to build fires by rubbing sticks together.... .... Survivor Rosie finds that she is a very good sand castle builder..... ... Survivor Sandpaints, (along with her Tweety who also survived), feels dizzy most of the time, (might be from a head thump due to the shipwreck).... Survivor CrewBall hears voices and is very good at swinging on the jungle vines... .... Survivor Flapsup has discovered he really likes to sing... ....Survivor Scooby is scared of the dark but finds he has the ability to swing on jungle vines.......Survivor Brynna7 thinks it's just fine on the island and doesn't ever want to leave.....and Survivor Swampgas...well, he may have a dark and mysterious past.

The island....week 1......
The survivors have spent the week building their shelter and forming alliances. While the game is fairly static, (see rules posted in last week's BUZZ), and revolves around voting one of their own from the island, to keep it interesting and have some fun, we are going to incorporate some of what the Survivors do and say on the island of Cyberbonga. After all, like real life, your actions or inaction's.....affect you.....no you can't magically find a radio but we will pay attention to realistic actions.......The following are comments made this week by some of our survivors on the threads. This week the survivors failed to bury the dead from their shipwreck. This unfortunately allowed one of their members to contract the dreaded Bongaitis disease. It is quite fatal and drawing a name from the hat....Survivor USVisitor has perished. But as the cycle of life and death goes on, due to the excellent care by Survivor SunnyUSA, the Mystery Survivor has healed enough to take his place among the group... ..he is revealed to be......Survivor Hennypenny...... Also I have received an email that one of the Survivors may be planning.....a little thinning of the competition.....I am calculating the odds and will figure it into the next week Survivor report.

Reply 80 - Posted by: lauratealeaf on Saturday, March 3 - 08:36 PM
SunnyUSA......I will be scouting for a lime tree for you. That will help our 14th survivor's wounds. ...and a little bit of palm frond tea will help stench the flow of blood.

Very good Survivor lauratealeaf. Without someone trying to find medicine, the mystery survivor was going to die today. As a result of your action, the mystery survivor will feel a bond with you which makes survivor SunnyUSA jealous.

Reply 72 - Posted by: Sunny USA on Saturday, March 3 - 08:26 PM
I'm glad I am going through the pockets of the dead with scooby....we recover some pictures, money, ID's and some advil still in a container and not water logged....I'll save this for the mystery survivor and anyone else who may get sick.

Survivor Sunny, it is realistic that someone had Advil in their pocket. Your Advil does indeed make a difference. He will be quite grateful to you, however, Survivor lauratealeaf is jealous.

Reply 136 - Posted by: GrannyK on Sunday, March 4 - 06:01 AM
"...Survivor GrannyK dives for the knife and neatly tucks it in her waistband. .." She pretends to awaken, yawning, after having been out all night scouting for medicinal herbs for the badly wounded, helpless unknown survivor. The light of the moon revealed the thrilling sight of the yada-yada-yada leaves, which cause intense silliness when applied as a poultice, though their curative powers are well known. .. She tucks the leaves around the badly wounded survivor, and slips away into the underbrush again, following the mysterious call of the rhino-chicken, known for it's vicious beak, slashing spurs, eagle eye, and tender, juicy, moist delicious flesh...

That was nice of you Survivor GrannyK. Your poultice will indeed help heal the mystery survivor. He will be most grateful and feel a bond with you. Survivor lauratealeaf and Survivor SunnyUSA are, however, now jealous.

Reply 112 - Posted by: Flapsup on Saturday, March 3 - 10:48 PM
Our freshwater supply is meager. First thing in the morning I will move farther inland. It has rained here recently so I will look for a stream along the downslope of the mountain. I ponder my fellow survivors and wonder if they realize the true danger here. They frolic now like children in the forest. Can't blame them. We were on the raft for days. I gaze at the palms slowly swaying in the sea breeze and feel my eyes getting heavy and thanks to the mist that covers the peaks of the mountain, the hag is hidden from my vision. Tomorrow is a new day. We must find water...we must.. .. Flapsup's Map

Very good survivor Flapsup. You have indeed discovered a fresh water supply. Also you have discovered a deserted wooden fort type structure built of giant logs with a forty foot high log swinging gate built to keep something out. Directly in front of the gate is an upright sturdy wooden pole. You are also correct, there is no way over the lava or over the volcano. You have, however, discovered the steps leading to the top of the Volcano.... .....I am concerned about you smoking the local island weed though. You do realize that the Bongas make Zombie powder out of that stuff?

Reply 113 - Posted by: CrewBall on Saturday, March 3 - 10:48 PM
.Alas!!! what little I understood whetted my interest and drew me into further investigation's of my mysterious ancestors and the supposed " CURSE " the Bongas had bestowed upon me....

Very well CrewBall. Consider yourself cursed. Here in the native islands of the Bongas you are starting to go native as your Bonga blood no longer held back by the confines of polite society begins to boil. Your mind drifts back to the old stories told to you by your mother and you hear the Bonga songs in your head. You cast aside the clothes you wore and fashion a native Bonga warrior thong and penis sheath.

Reply 17 - Posted by: Rosie on Wednesday, March 7 - 09:03 PM
I hope I don't wake up dead! Or better yet, you guys better hope I don't wake up dead! The mystic powers I already have will intensify in the hereafter making you all shudder and huddle together in fear. There will then be no winners and each of you will beg for an early vote but none of you will be able to vote and you will be floating in cyber space forever, known as CYBER HELL! THE ROSE KNOWS!

Rosie, I am appointing you island moral officer

The first vote........
It has been a week since the band has been stranded . They have gathered this day to vote one of their fellow castaways to sail off on a small raft to look for help. With weary shaking fingers they turn and point to......Survivor Nitewind ...The tribe has spoken.

With great ceremony, Former Survivor Nitewind is put on the crude raft and forced at spearpoint into the open ocean. As the raft slowly drifts out of sight and pulled by the tide, the last the island survivors see is the small raft crashing into the reef. They turn grimly away and stare at the now rumbling volcano as the sharks slowly circle the wreckage....Survivors GrannyK and Rosie pour a little of their Bonga Berry hooch on the sand in the memory of their fallen survivor.... ...next week's blind draws.....someone falls asleep on fire watch..... the volcano must be apeased.......a discovery is made?

This week's immunity challenge......
This week immunity challenge: Attached to the altar at the end of the beach is a dried Monkey Paw. Tethered to the Paw is a note written in Bongaeze. First survivor to decipher the note, gets the Monkey Paw, immunity from next week's vote, and perhaps more...First email to me.

The Note
CHEW THOU YOLK
AT SHOD WHELP
CHA HE TERN WE SIS
ARC EMU JOT YOU OW

AWE BY WEIR HORUS
GALT HA CLOTH TURF
FAY ID FUM YON OR
HI URIS ON OW STY !

- Good luck remaining survivors -
Brynna7, Lauratealeaf, Crewball, Badeye, Sandpaints, Scooby, GrannyK, Swampgas, Rosie, SunnyUSA, Flapsup, Hennypenny.

R.I.P
USVisitor, Nitewind

Kiwinews, who is floating off the island and observing, wrote the following theme song for our survivors...
The Ballad of the Pipebomb Survivors
OK Here it is in the key of F major- The ballad of gilligans..ooops Pipe Bomb island
Just squat right down, switch on your screen and give your mouse a click
We're gonna tell a tale of a PipeBomb Game and tell it pretty quick
(With no ref'rence to "Slick")
The game is a mighty simple game, with really simple rules:
Pretend you are stranded on a cyber isle with posters and no tools
(conservatives and fools)
Next week things'll start getting rough, we'll vote on who gets tossed.
Last person on the isle will win the others will have lost.
(>DUH, others will have lost!)
So here they are assembled on our Pipe Bomb Desert Isle:
With Granny Kaaay
And Badeye too...
(deedledeedle deet deee)
The Village mayor
Laura T...
Miss USA
(woo woo)
And Flapsup
And surely more...
that just won't rhyme...
THAT OUGHT TO HOLD Y'ALL FOR A WHILE!!!
HEY!

Thoughts to survive by........
Brynna7 Thoughts to Survive by~~~
1. Rule of survival: Pack your own parachute. ----- T.L. Hakala
2. Whenever you are asked if you can do a job, tell 'em "Certainly I can!" and get busy and find out how to do it. --- Theodore Roosevelt
3. There isn't a person anywhere that isn't capable of doing more than he thinks he can. --- Henry Ford
4. Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall. --- Confucius
5. It's not the size of the dog in the fight that matters, it's the size of the fight in the dog! ---Anon.
6. The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is, that one often comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won't.--- Henry Ward Beecher
7. Never, never, never, never give up. --- Winston Churchill
8. Patience and Perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish. --- John Quincy Adams
9. The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack of will. --- Vince Lombardi
10. There is only one way to succeed in anything, and that is to give it everything. -- - Vince Lombardi

HENNYVILLE
There have been so many letters to the BUZZ lately about having the Mayor send in more writing, that I asked him to pen something on the survivor game.. ..The following is un-edited and as submitted in true Hennypenny style.... .here it is and thank you Mayor.

Hennyville, Sunday , feb. 28th 'Morning Shirley' . ..damn it, Henny you come in here ,every morning for what , the last 10 years and every time you call me Shirley, and then I say ,'my names not Shirley' and you say hi ! Rose. Lets end this crap , OK ? What do you want , Green eggs an Ham ? Well gee, Rose who stole your Fun Bunny ? and where in the hell is the crowd ? Sam , Judge ,Oops, where in the hell is everybody else ? Well, Henny that's what rose is mad at I suspect.... YOU, " Me what have I done now , Rose ,I ask, looking at her with my best pitiful look.Is my bill to high. I know ! a customer gone an died on you and stiffed you ..errr so to speak. " 'Henny watson you have driuven me into bankruptcy.'' Judge will you handle it for me ? This fool has run off all my customers, with that cyber shit he has been spouting all week. First it was Gladys, then Mel and Susan. Yesterday none of the police came in and all the nurses been going over to that damn dikes for breakfast. All because you mentioned that Survivor game on Pipe bomb. The whole crowd is either watching and choosing up sides or playing. None of you have good sense, your mother knew it and Rosalie wears it like the curse of Job. Henny you have plumb ruined me and are driving me to the grave, Doc...Oops, get your fanny over here; I am dizzy and gonna faint. " Looking at me and smiling , Oops ,t'he family man of medicine' ,as we often call him , said," Rosie , you are on your last legs kid , no more greasy sausage and eggs shall ever pass your way again . Fellows guess we best be getting our monogrammed coffee cups and moving them down the street to Nells Place. Right Doc, the food is bad but then so are them hooters of hers. Y'all ready ? quiet now , don't want to disturb the fading lady . You have never seen a faster recovery , Rose is back behind the counter having decided that she ' reckons she can make it till the end of the day". Mel has just come in , said he was just voted off the island , what ever THAT means, seems he was lied to by , he said ,what he thought was a sweet little old lady. thing won't get better between me and Rose till things improve around here . That will come with more customers...and if they are depending on beating that 'sweet little old grandmother', thing should be back to normal in Hennyville by next week.

Hennyville , coffee shop, Feb 20th Some thing happened on the telly the other night , some thing about cooking a pig , it was on the survivors show, that tacky thing that most of us have never seen , the temoprary postman was in the coffee shop talking about the program and how they couldn't start a fire , or dress a chicken or pig. of course NOBODY in Hennyville could understand any of that. Hell, in the Miss Hennyville contest last year , I'm not sure but I think is was the winner that cooked off chitlins as he "talent". But here no one could see how helpless people like that were ever chosen for the trip. . ..but never having watched the show, I would have to bet they screwed up cooking the pig ...even though, EVERY BODY in Henniville can cook one of the damned things...Heck, I saw the ministers wife out in the back yard chassing a goat the othet day...but now that I think on it , don't remember it ever showing up on the menue...wonder why she were chass....errrr.. ....they are still talking about that mercy killing at the coffee shop last week.. ..the state police done ask the chief if the man had been charged...and Sam told' em, " hell the other fellows he's dead, you want me to hold him for trial?"....boy did they scream like a naked homo in a knife fight, He finally had to tell them he was just joshing them. . .but best I know Jethro is still plowing . There would be NO sense in jailing him before the crops are in the barn, hell , this ain't Atlanta...where would he run to ? No place better than Hennyville,...even if you have to stand trial to stay there. What kind of bond would YOU ask a fella like that to put up ? Watch FOX if you want the truth : anything else if you just don't care.

- PIPE GEMS -

Little JoeLieberman on Hill: -"And speaking of not pretty, oy, what is going on with the junior Senator from NY? I mean I've passed her in the hallway and she has said really hurtful things to me like "Get out of my way you little Christ-killer" and "Hey splinter-boy you got a match?" I have to duck into my office just to wipe the tears away before that nasty fungus sets in again. And did I tell you she is gaining weight too, her thighs rub together so noisily as she waddles down the Senate chambers that even the Democrats are calling her cricket behind her back. "... ...best picture found and posted this week goes to Banshee for this picture. ...ThePublisher on Bill and Hill - "How on earth does a sane person sell pardons using stupid family members as the conduit and then proceed to actually loot the White House in broad daylight and expect anything but disaster? "......I thought the definition of insane was doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result....oh, nevermind... ... Kitten (again on Cannibals): "I know few people care, but the f*cking cannibals are getting away with it. They know no one cares. Obviously Indonesia cannot be invaded but there should be sanctions on cannibal-made goods or some darn thing like that."....guaranteed mention in the Buzz next week to the best list of suggested Cannibal made goods sent into me.... ... mgc1122 on the demise of liberal internet sites: "But the drumbeat of the left continues. It says thump, thump, thump (liberalism is taking over America). Thumpity thump (buy the NY TIMES, if you don't, who will?). Thump, thump (Watch CNN. We can't afford to lose our flagship network.)"

Letter to the Buzz of the week

My wife hates the fact that I am always using my computer. She wants me to do some crazy things like go out to dinner or the movies with her. How can I make her see what's really important in life?

I know. Can't live with, can't live without them.

Thats it for this week kids.....can the Survivors make it another week?....will they "go native" ....will the Publisher pull the plug....stay tuned....The Unknown Poster

Disclaimer
WARNING: Do not print this article. This article uses Chinese mind control fonts. No survivors were harmed during the preparation of this article.

Hello again Posters! .... If you wonder what color a smurf turns when you choke him...or want to know why abbreviation is such a long word...you are at the right place. Welcome once again to another edition of the BUZZ file. As always submissions can be sent to the Pipe with the word BUZZ in the subject line......On with the show.....BREAKING...... George Bush shaken and upset at the lack of straws at the first state dinner held at the White House this week....... best comment and picture combination that says it all without having to say it all goes to Rustynail for this comment: "Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, D-N.Y., answers questions raised by her husband's last-minute pardons "......attached to this picture. .....Hollywood vixen Neve Campbell has seen the light......It is always refreshing when one of the Hollywood elite finds religion. They just want to share their joy with the rest of us. She will star in and co-produce the new movie ``Understanding Virginia,''. A thought provoking family drama about a good hearted hooker-stripper that is convinced she is carrying God's child....isn't that nice......Are we in a recession?....reports of W mothballing Air Force One for Greyhound One .....After much consideration, the judges here at the Buzz have declared a winner in the "best looking baby" picture contest. . .THE WINNER......Sure it would be easy to name the poster, but I think I will wait until next week....this way you can all guess.

SPOTLIGHT POSTER OF THE WEEK
LAURATEALEAF
Interesting...I went to a bazaar last weekend. I found Polish pottery and a Chinese rug.... .....I can just imagine how a Clinton Pardon Bazaar would look.......A kissing booth starring Bill's butt with Eleanor Clift first in line..........A sausage stand with all sorts of unidentified links......and lots of Erika type posters crowding in to get their cut..... ....A fun house.........which looks like a trailer......with a pop-out Monica.. ..who shows her thong........A Lincoln bedroom replica with Hollywood stars bouncing on the bed..... ....A China Town.....where Clinton's Commie friends can buy and sell our nuclear secrets... ...and, the donors can drop off their favorite sets of China for Hillary.....An El Camino booth, with Bill Clinton's old car on display, with the special grass in the back for smoking and other activities.......and lots of game booths...like Kill the Babies dart games.... ....And all the porta-potties will have tin cups installed next to the toilet paper for donations for the Clinton Library..........And a petting zoo, with all of Clinton's favorite female friends, available for petting, for the right price......there will be music by Clinton's favorite black minstrels.......There will be a White Water dunking booth..... ...starring Webster Hubbell......it's really easy to roll him into the water.....A dress-up booth with a cardboard mock jail where everyone can put on their orange prison suits and ankle chains and pose for pictures......

SURVIVOR - PIPEBOMB STYLE
Ok Pipers. We all watch the show......we all have opinions. I am, of course, talking about SURVIVOR II, The Australian Outback. I propose the following: Those interested in playing SURVIVOR, "The PipeBomb Wasteland",, email the BUZZ. Please put Buzz in the subject line. Please include a paragraph on why you want to play so we may use your words against you in some form ........ Starting the following week, the players will email their vote as to who they want voted out of the game to the Pipe. The results will be sent to me for posting. Forming alliances, cheating, bribes.. ..anything goes.... the object is to be the last one standing........ We may even come up with a few surprises along the way in the form of mental challenges....... The winner will coincide with the last Survivor show about thirteen weeks from now........how bout it?.... Anybody think they got what it takes to survive the Pipe?...or are you chicken?........

RULES:
Object of the game is to be the last one standing....just who could survive.. ....A Pipebomb Princess?....a liberal?.....a (gulp) Libertarian?.. ..does a conservative stand a chance, forced to form an alliance with a McCain voter?

If you want to play, send in an email to the BUZZ. Write a short paragraph either about yourself or why you think you will win.

Just like the real game, we will choose 13 survivors from the list. The list will be presented here next week if not before on a general pipe thread. If less than 13 want to play, we will go with however many submit. Each week the players of the game will email the Buzz with their one vote and vote off one of their fellow survivors. If a player fails to vote, it will be counted as a vote against them. When it is down to the final two. The vanquished survivors will vote the winner. Some weeks may have immunity associated as the result of a challenge.

To keep it fair, all emails will go through the Pipe and the results then down to me for posting here.

There are no other rules other than proper decorum on the Pipe as per existing Pipe rules. Coin flips decide any tie.

Each week the Publisher will either set up a public poll or you may link to this page for a general discussion thread. As we do not want many duplicate threads running, try to keep to one thread to discuss the game. We will work the bugs out as we go along. This way those posters that are not playing the game can join in with their comments...... That should be interesting.

First Immunity Challenge Week 1: This week's immunity challenge. The person that sends in the best original Haiku about the Pipe along with their letter saying they want to play gets immunity on next weeks vote. That means the winner of this challenge can't be voted off next week.

Good luck Surivors

ThePublisher put up a poll this week to test the interest of playing the game here on the pipe and as of this writing 65% responded they wished to play. Here are some of the comments on the thread.....priceless.

Alyssarah Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show? Six men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids each for 6 weeks. Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes. There is no access to fast food. Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc. The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done. There is only one TV between them and there is no remote. The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves either while driving or while making four lunches. They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 AM; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker , and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas. The kids vote them off based on performance. The winner gets to back to his job.

hennypenny Sunny...I hate to disabuse you of any preconceived notion...but the Libertarians ARE a tribe. Granted they are on the way DOWN the evolutionary scale , they point at the sun each morning and grunt, For a long while I thought that a man,. Say with a Zippo Lighter, might come along and they would follow his leadership. But alas no, they have stuck with small clay images of William Buckley and a small nebish they have named Browne. I say if you are going to worship false gods Do it on the train , not in the station...YOU KNOW that sucker ain't going anywhere.... but then that's what keep them going the blind faith in the belief the station will roll as well as the engine. The most dangerous team would be one of War,Erika, Bundy,Link and CABoner. they could grab each others tails in their mouth as they do on the site , circle up and become impenetrable it reason or rational thought...In other words they could just .....stay the same !

POLITICS
"Tonight's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish."
"The chicken sounds good, I'll have that," Hillary says.
The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.
"Oh, he'll have the fish," Hillary replies.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm getting bored with the Clintons and Jesse Jackson. It just seems that the scandals don't have the punch they used to. Many posters are sending in items to post on the Buzz. Mostly on Clinton politics. I want to take the time this week to offer some advise and tips for submitting. As many of the political stories are the same old Clinton scandals there is a problem keeping them fresh and alive. Here are some suggestions and tricks that my fellow pipers can employ in their writing.

The Ten Magic Phrases of Clinton Journalism

· "Clinton lied"
· "hid in his office"
· "according to informed sources"
· "wholesale denial"
· "no immediate comment"
· "Republican right wingers"
· "riot-torn"
· "flatly denied"
· "gutted by fire"
· "roving bands of liberal youths"

PUTTING THE PHRASES TO WORK: WASHINGTON DC 1 Mar (PBN) -Former president Bill Clinton lied yesterday and hid in his office when roving bands of liberal youths rioted according to informed sources. Clinton had no immediate comment and blamed Republican right wingers....according to informed sources. The ex-president flatly denied that he was behind the roving bands of liberal youths and the riot torn Harlem neighborhoods. As Harlem was gutted by fire Clinton again issued a wholesale denial ....according to informed sources... ...try it yourself, it works.

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad In a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order to shoot him was given, he yelled out, "earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.

Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what his old boss had done. Before the order to shoot was given, Al yelled out, "tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.

The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking "I see the patternry here, just scream out a disaster and hop over the wall." As the firing squad was reassembled and the rifles raised in his direction he grinned and yelled, "fire!"

BEEF
While Beef industry execs and cattle producers beg for new cattle disease names, a recent Pipebomb poll asked: What is the best way to prepare beef? Beef is no different than politics with this group and no solid consensus could be agreed to. However, a majority did lean toward grilling. Here are a few of the comments.

swampgas - "Broiled is very good if you baste it with Worcestershire and butter. .... I had a friend who would eat his steaks raw. He would get hungry and go to the grocery store and buy a steak and eat the thing without cooking it. I saw him do this numerous times and he never got sick from it. "

Alyssarah -"We were out having dinner with a bunch one night and I ended up sitting next to a vegetarian. I had a slab of beef that hung over the plate while this vegetarian boob picked at her salad and prattled non-stop about my sinful eating habits. Then she made a mistake. She asked me if I knew of a "healthy" potato chip. Without missing a chew, I told her I wouldn't know because I didn't eat junk food. She decided to leave me alone after that"

TheTruthSquad Picture "Will you guys stop ribbing me? "

hennypenny - "Strip a whole Tenderloin, stick cloves of garlic cut into wedges(3 per clove) all over the damn thing (about an inch apart) roll in fresh cracked pepper , salt lightly...brown on all sides in hot frying pan (the one you hid from your wife) chop up a mix of veggies ( onion, celery,g. pepper,carrot what ever) put meat on top roast for appx 25 minutes (med rare) allow to sit for 10 min. throw it out and eat the veggies ..they are good for you. ..remember what your mom said......actually slice out the bias about 1" thick. ...serves four,( preferably the other three women) Make a hollandaise sauce (or better a Bernai?se); Potatoes Anne , Caesar Salad, and a Aussie Merlot...if you can get them to get their feet out of it."

CrewBall -"Grilling is the best way to do beef, but If you must cook it inside try rubbing a little coffee grinds(I prefer Folger's crystals) all over it. Try it!! You'll like it!! "...steak al la Juan Valdez Crew?

lauratealeaf".. ...I fixed a roast once in the microwave. It was actually delicious. The recipe called for red wine. It was very tender and flavorful. I haven't ever done it again because I figured that it was a freakish occurrence.....".......a microwave,,,,okey dokey.

Well I want in on this one too. I wish to share my own Baked Meatloaf recipe with my fellow posters.

Ingredients:
1 or 2 quarts Whiskey, 1 cup butter , 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. Salt, 4 large eggs, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 tsp. baking soda, 1 cup brown sugar,1 cup of nuts, 1 oz of lemon juice, two pounds ground beef.

Mixing Instructions:
Before you start, sample the whiskey to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now go ahead. Select a large mising bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the whiskey again as it must be just right. To be sure whiskey is of the highest quality, pour one level cup into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.

With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 tsp. of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure that the siskey is of the finest quality. Cry another cup.

Open the second quart is necessary. Add the 2 arge eggs, 2 pounds of bef and mix. If beef gest stuck in the beaters, juse pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey again, checking for toxscisticity. Next sift 3 cups of the salt or anything: it really doesn't matter. Sample the whiskey. Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add one babblespoon of the brown thugar, or whatever color you can find and wix mel.

Grease oven and turn cake to 350 degrees. Now pour the whole mess into the coven and bake. Check whiskey again, and go to bed.

Quotes in the news this week
``You and I are two people who will never mesh, never see eye to eye. It was a bad TV show. That's all it was.'' -- television bride and Playboy pinup DARVA CONGER, in a Larry King Live appearance with her former game-show groom RICK ROCKWELL......The Rock has it bad for Darva.

Hillary - "No. You know, I never knew about Marc Rich at all. You know, people would hand me envelopes, I would just pass them. You know, I would not have any reason to look into them. I knew nothing about the Marc Rich pardon until after it happened."... ...I haven't heard so many you knows since listening to a NBA player discuss the theory of relativity.

George W. Bush - "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.''....very informatory George!

Entertainment
Babs.......
Barbara Streisand poses with the American Film Institute's Life Achievement Award . I know my fellow Bombers can't wait to join in on the festivities. Look for Babs accepting the award later this Spring on FOX.......one more face lift and she will be wearing a goatee.... ..from the looks of how she is hanging over her dress these days, Shirley's reference last year may be coming true. ....she is turning into a universe into herself.. ....Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?..... Loose lips around the needy people lover are hinting that poor Babs is sort of, well, letting herself go. Reports of her not letting anyone near the stage buffet tables before she gets her choice cuts.......NOT ONLY THAT.....But, poor Baba may be on the outs with hip designers......seems no one wants her to wear their clothes anymore. Is she buying off the rack these days?

Dancing machine........
You say you liked Jennifer Grey and the way she wrinkled her nose and squinted her eyes in Dirty Dancing?.....the oh-so-cool dance numbers and Romeo and Juliet sub-plot?... Me too..... You see.... I can relate to these cheese 80's dance movies. When I was a teenager I was a street-smart big city kid who moved to a dull, Midwestern town where dancing was banned. Then I had a chance to give a speech to the town council to repeal the ban. And there was this preacher that sort of ran things and he wouldn't let us kids dance. That's why I am excited about the film shoot of Dirty Dancing 2 staring Ricky (is he or isn't he?) Martin and Natalie "Star Wars" Portman getting close to production. Dirty 2 will be filmed in Miami ....so watch for some Latin heat this time round......Natalie is easy on the eyes, but she is no Jennifer (pre nose job) Grey.

- PIPE GEMS -
Badeye's comment last week "Give me a 45 year old divorced woman over a 19 year old nymphet every day of the week. Its so much more fun, when both parties know what the hell they are doing".... forced him to make this public plea this week:

OPEN MEMO TO FORTY FIVE YEAR OLD DIVORCED FEMALES OF PIPEBOMB.
The emails are overwhelming my company's server. Please accept that I'm married, and "No, I don't do road shows", I'm "not available for Tupperware parties" and last but not least, I will not "relocated to Southeast Asia". thanks, Badeye

BluesDukeII on the failed impeachment: "Yes, ma'am. That good-for-nothing, "thank you, sir, and may I have another?" Gang That Can't Shoot Straight on Crapola Hill just huffed...and puffed. ..and blew their own House (managers) down. How pathetically simple it was for the Senate Republican'ts to vote yes knowing so bloody well that the whole damned Crapola Hill contingent of them did everything in their power to keep the whole of the evidence and not just the Starr Report from being seen even by the bulk of their own party. They thought they could come out smelling like roses for Voting On The Side Of The Angels - when they did the most work to stack the deck against it. (Words he'll wish he'd never emitted one day if Republican't voters in his state find their cojones when his re-election turn comes up: You are not going to stick us with this garbage. - Trent Lost, to Henry Hyde.) "..... ..Kitten on Cannibals: "Look how scummy and malicious these Dayak cannibals look. I can't stand them. Too bad there aren't any pictures of them eating their victims. I think they got in trouble for doing it in front of cameras last time in 1999 and now do their evil under cover of darkness. ".. ..Kitten, we all realize you are going to Indonesia in a week or so and understand your apprehension. But you need to get over your fear of head shrinkers and Cannibals. Perhaps if you met one, sat down and had a talk you would see that they are just people too............THE CRYSTAL BALL.. ...... ericbl "My prediction is that Hitlery will save her political career by dumping Slick like a ton of bricks. Every liberal in the country will run to her side. Over the next several years, we'll hear nothing but how this great woman sacrificed her life for her country by staying with him throughout his Presidency".........and my favorite of the week..... Flapsup on the Burton/Sphincter investigation - "I'll have to look up Scottish law to make a determination on the chances of success".

Chain Letter to the Buzz of the Week
Dear Friend,
This chain letter started in Reno in the hope of bringing relief and happiness to tired businessmen. Unlike most chain letters, this does not cost any money. Simply send a copy of this letter to five of your businessmen friends who are equally tired. Then bundle up your wife and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of it. When your name comes to the top of the list, you will receive 16,487 women, and some of them will be "dandies". Have Faith "DON'T BREAK THE CHAIN!! !!". One man broke the chain and got his wife back.
Sincerely, A Tired Businessman

That's all the space I have this week....so long for now pipers. ..... look for another funky fresh Buzz file next week. And remember.....A day wasted is not a day wasted!.... .The Unknown Poster

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BuzzzFile Week Ending February 24, 2001
HELLO AGAIN bombers. Welcome to another edition of The BUZZ. Submissions can be sent to the pipe with the word BUZZ in the subject line .....Joint poster pictures of the week honors go to FERAL52. Picture. Look real close at the tree. Maybe if enough of us ask him, Feral will put up a web page of his graphics, some of them are just classics.....and to ZEFAL for this disturbing picture of his pets......I have gotten quite a few entries for The Buzz "best looking baby" picture contest. Will announce the winner next week. And a note to Phoenix, no! we have no intention now or in the future of doing a "Men of Pipebomb" calendar, so stop sending in your pictures. Jut to wet your whistle a tad, here is one Dawg sent in on a thread: Dawg -baby picture- he is the little goober on the left....isn't he cute......finally I have been able to obtain an actual drawing of the much reported Orgasmatron that has been reported on so many recent pipe threads. I am including the drawing here and caution readers that the pipe does not endorse building and experimenting with such a devise without direct scientific medical supervision. While this devise has the potential for good, I shudder to think of the consequences should this technology fall into the wrong hands...BREAKING....I was wondering how to give a nod to the National Enquirer for the cash for pardon work they are doing and found a thread quote this morning from poster O6 "so far the enquirer has not missed on any of its Clinton related stories but the big name papers have sat on the news or waited until everyone else published. Seems to me this little gossip sheet is turning into something unique today which is a real newspaper which reports news instead of making it up."....couldn't agree more. That said, let's open this week with the words of Hill ....thank you National Enquirer....The BUZZ File believes in equal time. If you have a position in support of Hill and Bill on pardongate, please send it in to me for possible inclusion next week.

"I was very disturbed to learn that my brother, Hugh Rodham, received fees in connection with two clemency applications,".... "Hugh did not speak with me about these applications."...

WELCOME TO HENNYVILLE
The following was sent in Anonymously from a poster with the following comment attached: .... " Hennyville must be an interesting place, kind of like Cat On A Hot Tin Roof meets Whose Afraid Of Virginia Wolf in sign language with Greek subtitles. ....henny's post is interesting as it contains certain cultural lessons about the differences between yanks and rebs".....I agree and here it is.

HENNYPENNY: ..... things are quiet in Hennyville, since the murder, course some say it were a mercy killing an all, being as how he wer' a Yankee. It was just his bad luck to criticize the good old boy, before he had had his coffee. I mean to come all the way in the coffee shop, put down your carpet bag and yell at a ol' boy that he had to come move his truck cause it were in the next parking spot, May not even get by the inquest as anything more than suicide. I know that's what the consensus of the coffee crowd would be . I know two fellows that didn't even stop eating their grits, and in some ways I don't blame then, it's so hard to get the seasoned just right and warm at the same time. The just kept on'a forking them in, even after the gun went off. Yankees are just plumb stupid sometimes, the dumb'est person in Hennyville could have told him, if'en he had ask, another bad trait, as I see it with the Yankee, he sends his mouth to try and do a days work ,in five minutes.: that talking to Jethro at all, was at best problematical, but trying to mouth him to death wern't gonna work a'tol.before he had his coffee. They were right. Things went pretty fast, but I think the shot came right after the fellow said , "up in New Jersey, I'll tell you, we wouldn't put up with this for a minute. And I'll be damned , by Jesus if I"m gonna put up with....." Think Jethro mumbled ," and you certainly shouldn't have too.." ......When the smoke settled, there was Jethro drinking his coffee in peace, and the rest of the shop finished their fixing's maybe a little faster than normal. Some Atlanta hot shots are talking hate crime , buy first they got to get a true bill, and actually I don't think hate has anything to do with this it was more serious than that ..it was about having your morning coffee in quiet. and not giving Jesus' opinion to a stranger.

POLITICS
"The politician stared back at me, his power and confidence almost overwhelming. Down below a female paused warily at the senate entrance. I kept the camera rolling. They were beautiful, those 'Politicians in the Mist'"

A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood.......
Well Hill finally rolled out of Bill pal Vernon's crib into her newly remodeled digs in DC this week. While Mac-daddy Vern counts his silverware, and eagle-eyed media puppets look the other way, the watchful eyes of Pipers had this to say: FERAL52 made a welcome basket with one of his gems. And TEDWARD had some decorating advise: "I have a few decorating tips for HiLIARy !!! Perhaps in the living room a nice picture of Marx, in the bedroom one of Che Quavera, and in the bathroom one of Lenin. For the kitchen some nice hammers and sickles. For the diningroom table some nice RED China. What fitting accessories for The MARXIST QUEEN OF THE UNIVERSE !!!!! ".......Washington social circles are welcoming Hill into their fold like a group of ileagal aliens congratulating a buddy who just made it across the San Diego freeway. We'll see how long the party lasts....my bet is she is pushing against a door marked pull......Eleanor Clift had it right this week: "the Clintons are a gift that keeps on giving"

Geraldo......
Thanks to Keri for posting an eye opening jaw dropping article this week on --Geraldo. Pipers want to know just why he won't disclose his relationship with Denise Rich. Could it go deeper?.....Could Denise have had a hand in making the new little Rivera?....lots of questions...but bombers are patient.....perhaps science will develop enough so that Geraldo can be put in a jar and studied....I just hope they remember to poke holes in the lid..... Phoenix weighed in with a new first person Mickey Sipllaine type Geraldo drama this week: "Denise was already in my office when I got back, curled up like a sleek cat at the end of the leather sofa. All curvy long legs that the miniskirt couldn't start to cover. And a neckline it didn't try to. Two perky breasts flaring out in a primal challenge, her stomach flat until it made that delicious swell outward into her thighs and as always, that mane of dyed raven hair framing a face that was too pretty for her own good. She lay there and crossed her legs like she was at a tea party and let me have the full impact of that little eye in her navel that never blinked and just looked at me with an unrelenting stare.".......Geraldo (jerry) Rivera...Private Eye?....why not.

Obits.....
Sharp dressing humanist Khalid Abdul Muhammad, the outspoken ex (TOSSed) Nation of Islam racial who organized the Million Youth March is dead. Known for his teaching of "Jews are the 'bloodsuckers' of the black community"..... calling the Pope: "a cracker" .....and brotherhood in general he called on "blacks to kill all the whites in South Africa.". He called the Catholic Church full of "homosexuality and pedophiles." And perhaps best known for supporting Colin Ferguson for killing whites, saying: "God spoke to Colin Ferguson and said, 'Catch the train, Colin. Catch the train.' "....... His last act of brotherhood was to form the recent racist NEW BLACK PANTHER PARTY and protest with fifteen of his followers in Jasper Texas. ......Dead of a stroke at 53......or is he?....there is an underground buzz getting louder that there may be something hinky going on.

Eleanor and Bill....
Ok I give up. They are all doing it now. This time on Eleanor "sloe eye" Clift and Bill via a recent post on her sticking up for Bill..... if he did have an affair with Denise. Only space for snipets...there were probably more, I didn't go back to look....that might be a good thing.

Ladybug: - " She wanted to run her fingers through his salt and pepper hair..."

DakotaKid - "A coy smile played across Eleanor's crusty lips as she thought back to her White House days with Bill.... Eleanor was crushed. But still, servicing Bill with a bag over her head was better than nothing. She placed the bag over her head, and sat on the mattress, waiting for Bill. ..."

Lucyredboots - "She felt a blush come over her face as her chest was moving up and down fast with every breath...."

Hennypenny -"Coyly lifting her one good eye, she gazed at the face of her beloved...none notice , none felt his demanding urge to mate with her here, now , could they hold back a moment longer . The predictions were next, a worthy prelude to the orgasm she felt coursing through her body."

Political quotes......
Eleanor "Rodham" CLIFT on pardongate: "Actually, it's all a plot to drive up the price of his (Clinton) memoirs, in which he will promise to tell all about his bad behavior."

Willie Gary, Jesse J attorney on the tabloid search form more lil' Jacksons: "We think (these offers of money) is extortion," "We think it's about persecution rather than prosecution, about injustice rather than justice. For anybody to seek information, to seek dirt so bad that they would offer blood money or extortionary money, it's a sad day in America." ........ Thanks to Banshee for finding the article and this comment "If anyone knows what extortion is it is Jesse Jackson ".

Bill Clinton.... "I am accustomed to the rough and tumble of politics, but the accusations made against me in this case have been particularly painful because for eight years I worked hard to make good decisions for the American people."...ya, he worked hard all right.

"no way," .... Manhattan U.S. Attorney Mary Jo White on letting Denise Rich leave the country.....wouldn't it be great if they catch her in some sort of disguise trying to slink out.

CULTURE
Queen from Butcher Holler........
LucyredbootsFound and posted this article on Country music queen Loretta Lynn recently. It got me a thunking. From the Article: "We're talking about powerful classics such as "You Ain't Woman Enough" and "Don't Come Home a' Drinkin' (With Lovin' on Your Mind)" and controversial standards "The Pill," "One's on the Way," "Rated X", "What Kind of Girl (Do You Think I Am?)" and "Success....... Ms. Lynn, never one to mince words, is afraid that today's big-money glitz and glitter, not to mention the lucrative pop crossover trend, has stripped the genre of its humble integrity. " . They don't make em like this anymore and I pose the question....Is country music dead?...... I would like to get Bluesdukes take on the situation. Maybe he will link to this on a slow night....might make a good thread for some of our younger pipers.....and bring back some memories for us older ones as well.

It's Cold in here........
As if NYC doesn't have enough to worry about these days with Bill and Hill, a new controversy is sweeping the high rent fashion/retail district. No don't worry, Hill isn't coming out with a new black pantsuit designer line. The fuss is over nipples. Should or should not mannequins have erect nipples? I have asked the publisher here at PBN to post a poll to get our opinion, but as yet my emails have gone unanswered..... Apparently this in no joke as some of these faux beauties can cost over a thousand NB dollars...(that's New Bush)......... "If we're showing a Jil Sander suit, you can't have two dots poking out," one designer said recently. While Banana Republic has gone nipple free, trendy retailers are fond of Xena warrior princess ta-tas..... Our last week feature girl Britney "they are too real" Spears is now the main design model for Adel Rootstein known as the maker of the Rolls-Royce of dummies....(dummies as in mannequins, not Britney Spears, I know that was a little confusing)......Designers are hard on the protrusions as well. Reports of covering them with lipstick, filing them down, or as Simon Doonan of fashionable Barneys says "the easiest way to deal with it is with a cotton ball and a Band-Aid,".......Barney's of Dallas reports complaint letters from men "admonishing us for arousing them."....

"I felt my torso being lifted. And, then, my face mold being taken off. Oh, light at last. A female face came into view. "Oh, she's a cutie", she said. "

Some of these new lifelike dolls are getting a following of their own. Several stores are reporting that eager male customers are wanting to purchase the dummy instead of the clothes.... If you are interested in learning more about mannequins or wish to read stories about mannequins from a mannequin point of view, I suggest "I Mannequin" or "Home is where the Window Is"........Mannequin rights groups are starting to form and this April protests are being expected at Neihart Montana to try and stop their annual Mannequin Snow Jumping event. Each year thousands gather to witness the sliding demise of various plastic people as they are thrown down the mountain.

Art world......
``I shut myself up and I did all those paintings in a couple of weeks, up the whole time on cocaine.'' -- Actor/artist DENNIS HOPPER, on some of the items in a new Amsterdam retrospective of his art work.....also making art news this week is German artist Henri Alain Unsenos and his yard art.....Makes me want to get out and do some gardening.

Hold that Tiger...... I'm a man. I am proud of it. Like most men I enjoy sports and the annual Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition that is due out later this month. Unfortunately the editors at SI have decided to forgo the usual female skimpy suited fare and have entered the politically correct publishing world. .... I issue this warning in advance of the up-coming spread as I want to warn my fellow male pipebombers that featured along with the babes will be tiger tamers Siegfried and Roy. Chat room traffic-talk is this move is apparently a nod to the gay community.....is nothing sacred anymore? ..... Other than giving beauty tips and leg shaving lessons to the girls I can't imagine any reason for them to be in there, but nothing much surprises me anymore.....now we will have to endure "those" looks from magazine sellers wondering if we are buying the mag for the girls or the guys.... ..well , there is always the doctor's office. 2001 cover

Models do to eat.....
Polish designer Arkadius Weremczuk made fashion news this week in London when the gutsy designer became the first to team up with the product placement advertising wizards. Featured products were bananas courtesy of the South American Banana industry. "models and bananas just go together" said one excited runway watcher. The shows continue for the next week....speaking of supermodels....bad girl Naomi Campbell was banned from an exclusive London boutique this week after yelling at the workers waiting on her. Apparently they didn't open the door fast enough for her. According to Reuters, Naomi told staff they "should have recognized her immediately and opened the door faster".

EDUCATION
After class......
Report from Roy City Utah this week that a 30-year-old female high school teacher was arrested for trading grades for painkillers from her students. Drugs of choice, Percocet, Darvocet, and Loritab. Be interesting to see if this one hits the evening news.....Instead of free day care for pregnant students, maybe a little of the government pie should go to teacher rehab......NEA has no comment.

Channel One.......
Well let's take a little looky see at what is going on in the classrooms these days. You say Johnny can't read, that may be true....but he sure can watch TV. Clinton's dream of classroom interaction with the entertainment industry has come to pass. A recent report using Clifton High School, in a white middle class suburban area in New Jersey, related a typical day in the classroom...... Start, - teach turns on the class TV..... hip hop music followed by government commercials to fill out forms for special aid, followed by a Mountain Dew soda pop commercial featuring mountain bikes (for sale). Then a Twinkies commercial. The news starts with an expose on the Pope and how he says he is sorry for all the wrong the church has done. Time for another commercial. Pokémon!" and Join the Marines. And it goes on for twelve minutes, day after day after month after year. An ex Channel One executive remarked:.... "The biggest selling point to advertisers [is that] ... we are forcing kids to watch two minutes of commercials... . The advertiser gets a group of kids who cannot go to the bathroom, who cannot change the station, who cannot listen to their mother yell in the background, who cannot be playing Nintendo, who cannot have their headsets on."......

Channel One is a 12 minute current events show, which contains 2 minutes of commercials. Channel One provides schools with 19" televisions, 2 VCR's, and a fixed satellite dish which picks up only Channel One signals.

Channel One reported $346 million in 1999 ad revenues, 2000 figures are not available but believed to have doubled. GOVERNMENT INDOCTRINATION: A study at the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee, concluded that broadcasting Channel One takes up six or seven days of instruction over the school year and costs American taxpayers $1.8 billion annually.. .it's much more now. Channel one is owned by Primedia..WHO ALSO OWN Joe Camel.....In writing this piece I got hold of and viewed a copy of the Channel One news feed for this week. No mention of scandal, Clinton is loved in Harlem, President Fox of Mexico is close to getting illegal aliens made into US citizens (it's a good thing)...and the most liberal blather you could imagine.....I know it's silly to ask, but I wonder if the NEA, receives any contributions from Primedia?...... Channel One is currently in 12,000 schools with eight million students getting their liberal indoctrination...er I mean news....every day...... Here is Channel One contact information on-line. For those adventurous enough, check out their web page for students....WARNING....may cause conservatives to spontaneously retch, and be sure to click on the NEWS!......Just wondering out loud, but if most kids don't read newspapers, or watch the evening news, could this be their major source of news and current events...no couldn't be....... If you have a child in school, you just might want to pay attention to the TV in the corner during your next parent teacher conference.

- PIPE GEMS -
JHman On Clinton's pardongate explanation: "Once his lips start moving, you know he is lying.This is the same guy who shook his finger at us and looked into the camera and said"I did not have sex with that women" ......DAISYMAY on cows: "here in East Tennessee we have "friendly cows". We live in the country and have cows grazing up to our fence lines. There have been many occasions when the little buggers have managed to wiggle through the wire fence and sashay into my garden. I didn't even give it a thought when I saw them, I went after them hollering and chasing them until they left my yard.".. ... that reminds me of a scene from David Copperfield Daisy.... ......Bitz on Pardongate: Why Bill and Hillary are SHOCKED! (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) SHOCKED I say, at the news that her brother received $400,000 in exchange for a pardon from Bill Clinton....... Badeye on sex: " Give me a 45 year old divorced woman over a 19 year old nymphet every day of the week. Its so much more fun, when both parties know what the hell they are doing".... ....THEPUBLISHER on Bill & Hill "For reasons only a team of trained psychotherapists could determine, Bill and Hillary have embarked on their post impeachment careers invoking an inflammatory manner akin to appearing at an NAACP convention in white sheeted KKK regalia. ".......haven't seen 'Hannibal' yet?....read this article that Lindorf found (insert your favorite Tony Hopkins impersonation here)......ERIKA on science: "It's not bad enough that Texas oil men are running nuclear subs, they are also pumping out inner oil that will alter our (EARTH) rotation. As they deplete the mass, our planets weight and mass changes, and affects the gravitational pull. The theory is not proven yet, but think about it. Maybe the scientists are too afraid to announce it. ".....someone needs to stop those Texans!

Letter to the Buzz of the week......
"My friends all tell me to leave my husband. He is addicted to nyquil, spits on the floor and abuses our pets. The other day he shaved the cat and covered it in cooking oil... then he invited six friends over for a greased cat catching contest. They wound up having a power puking tournament in the den and making a bonfire in the front yard with every stick of furniture in the house. I'd leave this instant, but there is a small problem, I still love him. What should I do?"...signed Love Fool

Look, men work hard all day. They need to relax once they get home. Lighten up

So long for now.....Will Sami and Austin get together?....Is Pilar stealing Julian's silverware?. ...stay tuned.... next week....same pipe time, same pipe url.....The Unknown Poster

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BuzzFile Week Ending February 17, 2001

Greetings pipers.........A couple of quick items before we get going.... Wull hullo mommy....The Buzz file MOTHER OF THE YEAR award goes to "Hannibal" actress Julianne "Boogie Nghts" Moore who revealed this week that her co-star Tony Hopkins had taught her three year old "Cal" how to impersonate Hannibal Lecter. "He does a really good impression for a three year old" Moore said and continued "now you can say, 'do Tony' and off he goes...".......well isn't that nice..... Julianne on guns: "I hate guns. .......I especially hated loading them because I would get my skin caught. Plus guns are awful and they are dangerous."....what a mom!.... And what an example she sets for her son... ....Hopkins on the film: "Now if people are repulsed and terrified, so be it, I understand that as well. It is not everyone's taste -- if you forgive the pun" ...... Former first intern Monica Lewinski is the belle of the dot.com ball and doing well these days...... While Clinton was showing her the proper way to take "dic"tation and thinking about baseball, Monica was thinking about her not so little anymore handbag business.....I prefer to think that she just wanted a man to look up to......as other dot coms go belly up, the kneeling one and her entrepreneurial skills are getting noticed. Sales are doubling every quarter....This girl has quite a head on her shoulders......Monica Lewinski trivia......Answers at the end of the column.......(1)-what lipstick does she use. (2)-Where are her handbags made? (3)- How much do her handbags cost?

POLITICS
Hillary poop......
With a dose of timely fortuitous circumstance, a friend of mine visited Washington D.C last week. As my face is so easily recognized in high society, political circles and Vegas casinos, I asked him to poke around for me up at the Senate building. We scrambled to prepare this expose last week, but time would not allow the meticulous redundant fact checking and sourcing that is the standard here at the Buzz. The extra time revealed shocking new insights into the working relations Hillary Clinton (D-NY) has with the capital staff. No not the political staff, I'm talking about the vendors, elevator operators, and maintenance crews that keep our senate building going. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. You may all remember the "no eye contact rule" that Hill has established with her staff. Apparently, the building workers are now diverting their eyes every time they come into contact with her. Some are starting to bow and slightly courtesy. Hill doesn't get the joke. GAS: Can Hillary take the pressure of being a US Senator? Hill is getting a reputation for cutting the cheese in the most in-opportune circumstances. Elevators, walking down the hall, and especially when she laughs........" soemthin' muss haf crawled up inside her an' died, cuss it all t' tarnation. Lo'd did that room stink! We is still tryin' t'git thet smell outta th' bathroom, dawgone it. ah doesn't knows whut she is eatin', but it sho'nuff don't agree wif her." So says Manny the poor unfortunate soul charged with cleaning one of the main Senate facilities after a visit from the Senator from NY......... That's not all....... While we all know her appearance is taking a tumble these days her lack of personal hygiene is carrying over into polite society as well. Overheard talk is filtering down from loose lipped Senate staffers to building workers that she doesn't care where she "lets one go". ...... Like her no eye contact rule, everyone is just supposed to pretend she didn't do it. "she is trying to put me in an early grave" one un-named elderly southern Senator was overheard as he burst out of a Senate meeting.

As one giggly tour operator said on the QT "her ability to really thunder one out is getting legendary. It's catching on with the staff here. Now everyone is doing it. Every time she walks by, if you can, you try to squeeze one out"

DIPLOMATIC PROBLEMS: Talk is going around of an embarrassing luncheon recently for visiting dignitaries of several Middle East countries...it deteriorated quickly. Once Hill started, everyone joined in. "It only took about 15 minutes and no one could hear the guest speaker over the toots of gas passing through the various diplomatic rectums. A few minutes later the odor from the gas was so strong, that one by one, the guests headed gasping for the door. Soon only one snoring Egyptian Cultural Ministry official was left sleeping in his chair." So says our source.....an off the record official was heard to say, "It may be a U.S. custom to 'let one go' in public, but in France, we keep our flatulence to ourselves. Typical U.S. imperialism. The nation that dropped the Smart Bomb now tests the Fart Bomb. They were wet, squeaky, and baritone , it was disgusting. Hillary needs to see a doctor"......Does Hill need medical attention?..... or is it as some are wondering that she was so taken by this behavior while visiting theRoyal court in England, that she is attempting to copy it and establish herself above the American peasantry........Hill is not unaware of the copy-cat gas passers and we can only wonder if she is silently uttering under her breath..."we are not amused."

Ah-nuld .......
What Arnold really wants to do is direct....the entire state of California. Now that his music career is on the rocks and he can't quite cut it in the action roles.....The left took it's first body blow against the Republican heir apparent to the Governor's seat in California this week before he gets a chance to be the "Running Man"....... Movie monthly Premiere magazine has taken on Schwarzenegger. The large one (and his lawyers) are flexing over a five page spread hitting the racks this week. With "Arnold the Barbarian" as the title, the story paints muscle boy as a seedy Clintonesque Hollywood groper. .....the article claims that Arnold was caught giving oral sex to a female cast mate during the making of Eraser.........that's not all......Has Arnold been exercising with other women while Maria frets?........plenty of unnamed sources cast not so subtle doubts on his ability to take the stress of politics.......DRUGS: not content to just play the sex card, Arnold's suggested use of steroids is also coming into play.....a spokesman for Mr. Universe said "We're moving on,". "Arnold knows who he is, his wife knows who he is, and I think his fans know who he is, and that's what's important."........don't worry about them Arnold, we know who you are too......hasta la vista Davis.

Bush.....
While W and Dick "Slim" Cheney steamroll through their agenda untouched by scandal, web pundits are having a bit of fun with the smiling Texan these days. One of the best is Prisnoner letters to W......George Bush and Texas fever are sweeping the fashion industry as new Bush inspired fashion atire is beginning to be seen strutting down Paris and NY runways. Not to be missed is a cute little bit of work done over at The Presidential Palm Helper......There is a serious scientific study being conducted to determine if W is in fact a Chimpanzee? Check it out and you be the judge.....be sure you click on the pics, I'm sure they will start to show up on Pipe threads.George W. Bush or Chimpanzee?. .....my favorite.

Arms race......
KingKangaroo posted a disturbing new look at a long thankfully forgotten reminder of the cold war this week......Or was it forgotten?.....KK's article post revealed secret plans by Australia to develop an ATOMIC BOMB in the late 1940's. University of Newcastle academic Wayne Reyonlds is claiming Australia agreed to allow British nuclear tests and worked with the British at the Australian National University because they thought the British would then give them the bomb......."the sheer thought of Australia with such a devise chills me to the bone" a New Zealander is quoted as saying. "those blokes can't hardly put a bicycle together on Christmas morning let alone build a bomb"...well he hopes so........Some are speculating that secret tests continue today in the vast Australian Outback...... Do the Australians have the bomb? If so, how would this change the delicate balance at the bottom of the world?.......TROUBLE DOWN UNDER:..... as everyone knows the Australians have long dreamed of wetting their feet in the clear waters and unspoiled beaches of New Zealand, of fattening their sheep on the lush grasses of the lower Island's fertile grasslands..... PROBLEMS....The beaches of Australia are becoming less and less safe, "A 5 meter shark ate a man in full public view at one of Perth's main beach" as Mr Peabody recently wrote. Another recent posting contained this chilling statement: "Sharks killed more people in Australia last year than anywhere else in the world and the country had the second-highest number of attacks. "....that's not all..... Saltwater crocodiles were spotted swimming the streets of Cairns on Australia's northeast coast, after high tides, reported a recent article....... could this concentrated grouping of attacks and animal madness be a direct result of secret dastardly A-bomb testing?.......MORE PROBLEMS....."The [Australian] government plans to slash welfare payments to New Zealanders living in Australia in a move that will save A$1 billion" according to another recent article. Already their grip is tightening and some wonder if some in the Australian government envy the strong Kiwi dollar.......New Zealanders living in Australia, will be unable to claim their payments unless they become permanent residents of Australia..... The vast amount of untapped natural resources of New Zealand wet the lips of the more aggressive capitalist kings of the island continent. Talk is they are gazing greedily over the water. Can kangarooland continue to feed itself as the population of Australia swells with their open welcoming immigration policy? Could the kind and gentle people of nuclear-free New Zealand ever pay enough tribute to satisfy (appease) the Australians under a nuclear threat? Maybe KK's recent A-bomb comment "And it would keep those pesky New Zealanders in their place too." tells all.

TECH
Better stop cursing as you hit the wrong keys, Saint Isodore may be listening. After a two year wait, the Pope has popped for a Saint for your keyboard. Saint Isidore of Seville is now the patron saint of Internet users and computer programmers, according to the Vatican. Saint Is:) is said to have written the world's first encyclopedia in the seventh century. I guess the servers in the Vatican named Raphael, Michael and Gabriel needed spiritual cyber company. Look for a MS promotional tie in.............Those little emails we all get from FOXYVIXEN wanting you to click here for pictures, just might be Public Enemy number one Osama bin Laden. Apparently Ossie is posting encrypted, or scrambled,- photographs and messages on popular porn web sites that may contain "blueprints" for attacks...Combine this with the Saint Isodore story and it's taking all the fun out of porn......I Robot Bug.....Sandia National Laboratories has tested a microbug....with little sensors!. About a quarter inch long, these cute little critters can crawl under doors. These aren't just play things. They carry about as much computer power as the computer you are reading this on.........What is that smell?....Interested in smelling like a T-Rex? Coming to a museum gift shop near you soon.....Scientists working on dinosaur smell arama have found a way to make the exhibits more realistic. Now you can experience what the extinct ones smelled like.

``We investigated a number of smells at first, but the reality of the smell of dead, rotting flesh was so off-putting, we figured we should go with the smell of the T-rex's environment instead of its breath,''... said a spokesman.

Maastrichtian Miasma, as the perfume is being called, is a "boggy, acrid, earthy scent. reeking of rotten meat and infected wounds". Plans are to drench exhibits with the smell......that's nice.......Dale Air Deodorizing Ltd. of Lytham in northern England, which created the scent for the museum, specializes in aromas for museums and zoos. Other fragrances by this company in the past have been, jaguar urine, cesspits, boiler rooms, wild stags, and garbage.....pity the neighbors.

SHOWBIZ
Ooops I drank it again.....
I wonder if Pepsi is aware that their new girl Britney Spears is drinking Coke in her dressing room?...Speaking of her dressing room, Here is a list of her required items (by Contract) to be in her room during the tour she just finished....... 12 -One liter spring drinking water, 1- quart Cran-berry juice, 6- cans of coke, 8- bottles of Gatorade (mixed grape and orange), 1- carafe of hot water, 1- tin each International foods French Vanilla and Suisse Mocha, 1- fresh deli platter with bread, 1- fresh sliced fruit plate, 1- fresh veggie platter with dip, 1- small salad with eggs, mayo, and albacore tuna only!, 1- box of altoids (red), 2- bags of Cool Ranch Doritos and WOW Doritos,....that's just her private room. The band room subsists mostly on water , a snack tray and a little fried chicken......... The big question that everyone is buzzing about lately is "are they real?" or has she had a little stage enhancing surgery. Well we here at the Buzz aren't doctors, but we have compiled a few before and after pictures and will let the good posters at PBN decide for themselves.....

BEFORE.. ..AFTER.... .BEFORE.. .. AFTER

If you have any questions About Britney's breasts, want to make suggestions for her wardrobe.....or are just a fan and want to chat......... Britney is managed and can be contacted through her manager Johnny Wright and can be reached at (407) 826-9100. Johnny, or JW as we like to call him, is often very busy but Tim Miller, her production Manager, is at the same number and Jeannie can put you right through. If you are having problems reaching Tim (he has so many meetings you know), you might want to try his pager at (877) 713-5361, or of course his AOL account at TMILLER906@aol.com But what if Britney is on the road or on her bus?.....Look, we all realize that Britney has such a hectic schedule you might have to try and reach her on the road through her tour manager, Richard Channer at (718) 978-4151, but as he travels so much also and rides with the band sometimes, his production assistant (Rob Brenner) might be easier to reach on his mobile phone at: (973) 568-0720,...... and of course there is always Rob's email at RBRENNER65@aol.com....... Make sure you say hi for me and just for fun you might want to record a song with her!

Survivor II Roundup.......
While Jerri and Colby are playing is that your foot? under the communal blanket, poor overweight aging Mad Dog "butch" Maralyn was TOSSed leaving the twenty somethings to start eating their own soon.........Mad Dog was counting on her best friend Tina and fellow aging cast mate to stick with her. Of course Tina had to keep to her "secret" promise instead. A secret promise?........"I tell you, once I kind of knew my time was up, I tried to get in as many good sound bites as I could." from Maralyn's final words..... ......meanwhile over in Kuchaville......the lazy Harvard law student, Nick, is surely the next to go. His camp decorating skills aside, (learned while he living in San Francisco?), the rest of the group is culling the heard for strength......... In a true Lord of the Flies moment next week, a beast is killed. We can only hope there is a cave somewhere nearby and a good sturdy pole. Why the stronger Ogakor tribe hasn't yet realized they could raid the Kucha camp for their supplies and women is beyond me......This is natural selection at work, pity they don't realize that the mental challenges are coming......will the meek inherit the outback in the end? Will Paul Hogan show up to plug his new Crocodile Dundee movie? Paul is quoted as saying "..... I said to m yself, "Self, what movie are fans starving for more of? What glimpse at cinematic artistry can I give them this morning that will bring joy to their lives?" The answer came to me suddenly, as if by Divine inspiration! "Crocodile Dundee 3," .... now there is an outback survivor....I can't wait!

Celebrity quote of the week......

"Hanoi" Jane Fonda - "I am happier now more than I ever was with a man."

I'm not a First Lady but I play one on TV......
Poor Delta Burke. Playing the First Lady on NBC's DAG isn't getting her the respect she thinks she deserves. While walking her designer dog with her $500 designer leash the former designing woman was shocked that a woman was going to cut her little poochy's fav lifeline to the star after their darlings got tangled. It's snubsville in the park now....... and little Delta isn't invited to the other pups prancing park parties anymore.

Fashion,"Puffy", Denise, and Katherine.
Hip hopster Sean ``Puffy-that gun wasn't mine'' Combs, didn't let a few little legal problems stop him from introducing his new oh-so- hip clothing line this week in NY. After pulling a little trick on PETA, Puff Daddy trotted out several hot hot models in bits and pieces of fur.....PETA IS TICKED as the puffer told them he was fur free...... shirtless models in mink vests, Persian lamb overcoats, crocodile pants and slinky ostrich chinos shared the runway ... ...meanwhile.....across town...... Penthouse Pets and porn stars served (and it is being said serviced) as hostesses and ushers for another clothing line Private Circle Word is the two shows hooked (hookered?) up later to compare notes.......forget the NY society A list.....the hot ticket in town is where ever Puffy shows up...Just how hot is Puffy you ask? Well he broke up with this yesterday......POLITICAL FASHION:on the political fashion scene, Kitten had this to say about NY gadabout Denise Rich and her new society look: " Look at those bulging folds of fat hanging out from her armpits and that 56-year-old cleavage and those booming hips. Butt-Ugly! "...armpit fat?....MEOW... ..Poster Rustynail found and posted another pic of the toast of NY....Our own fav political gal Katherine Harris is turning heads in a full length Mink fur coat she pranced about in this week...some wags want to know where and from who she got it.....but we know don't we pipers....the rumor that just won't die keeps following poor Kat like one of Hillary's farts. This time poster little JoeLieberman jumped in (YET ANOTHER) Katherine Harris thread:

"Why Mr. Vice President I had no idea and despite your impressive Rolling Stone cover photo my heart belongs to the justly jouncy and not so jesuitical Jeb.

But Kathewine we could fool awound and no one would know! Pweaaaaaseeee! Tipper thoaks up enough sauce to fwoat a battleship, she ain't gonna know!

I'm sorry Mr Vice President Jeb is my main cookie, nookie monster, if you know what I mean. He's my Orio Boy - sure knows how to put the icing between my cookies, hooooo hoooooo baaaby!
....oreo boy?...good grief...will this story never end?

And on a thread about a three hundred year old "Penis" shaped cup that the British have found, SunnyUSA felt inspired to write:"....she (Kate) felt her pulse quicken, and her chest heaved slightly.... her mind was flooded with the thought of him (Jeb) gulping from the Manly Cup - for her love runneth over for him in so many ways.....Sunny!..my my.

- PIPE GEMS -
Badeye on Clinton playing golf at a all white club: "Since Clinton has been called "The First Black President" wouldn't it be correct to say he is this Country Clubs "Token"? "........from the same thread Crewball writes: "Frankly I could give a dang. Never could understand why people would bother chasing a little "white" ball all over the place in hopes it would find a hole in the ground, in this case, called a cup.".... It's simple Crew, in Clinton's eyes golf is a metaphor for sex. ....... .... mgc1122 on Donna "we can't let those white boys win" Brazile:"Brazile would be the perfect choice for the D.C. government -- given its historical penchant for electing racists, drug addicts and criminals which reflect a large part of the constituency. "........ ....... mgc1122 on the media: " The stink from the "most ethical Administration" is causing some of the left to gasp for air which causes them to lose the vacuum pressure which held their lips tight to Clinton's ass the last 8 years. ".... Kitten on foreign aid: " It is as if all aid has to pass through the bowels of some monstrous governmental animal to enable the excrement to be delivered to the poor. ".... ....Erika on Government: "Say 250 years ago in New England that a bunch of cows were using and defacating in the river. Five miles downstream a homesteader and their children drank from the water and washed their clothes. And then they realized what was going on and wanted it stopped but the rancher said no. They go for mediation rather than kill, and the only mediation was a form of government. How do you feel about government in that situation? "....look Pa, here comes another one!

......Point - Counterpoint
From the right - hennypenny on Clinton: "There has never been, or is it likely there ever shall be a human with both the criminal mind , twenty years of practice and the collection of such a vast number of similar roaches . Could any man bring together the likes of criminal crud that this man has? Could any nation ever have its various arms of government so compromised and lent to such a vast criminal enterprise as the Clinton dynasty ? What else remains to be compromised ? What has been used IN this enterprise ? The FBI. the CIA,the IRS, the Justice Dept.the White House, the Senate, congress , the State Dept, the Commerce Dept. Unions , Foreign Spies, Foreign Nationals, and NOW Foreign Crooks. After looting , trashing leaving the Washington on the heels of Midnight Pardons for all the riff raft he has know or worked with or through for the last 8 years....EVERY DAMN ONE OF THEM AND MOST OF THE PRESS SHOULD BE IN JAIL... we should NEVER stop looking at the deeds of these people. "....and from the left a studied reply from - ....War "Tim Russert is another Clinton c*** grabber who cannot let go. He, Burton, you, et.al. can't abide by the fact that Clinton won. Live with it... ".

Buzz Letter of the Week

Dear Buzz, What is it like to work at such a respected news institution? Signed A fan.

Many posters are asking what it is like work here at "control" as they like to call it. I'm sworn and restricted by an Oprah like contract from talking about specifics, but I can talk about my interview as it was before I agreed to it. Only later did I discover why they wanted the names and addresses of all my relatives. The first thing you notice on entering the pipe, and yes, it is an actual pipe, is how dark it is. But as your eyes adjust, you realize that it's the flat black paint that disoriented you. You are led through a series of passages, each indistinguishable from the next and lined with odd high tech outlets covered in black tinfoil, until you find yourself alone in a small room. It's black as well and a glow from the ceiling sort of lets you see the bones in your hand if you hold it up. I got a memo about not looking directly at the light so I don't do that anymore. After hooking up to the electrodes, a voice starts asking you questions. "how much water is there in the Mississippi river?" and stupid math questions like asking you to count backward from a hundred.. ..stuff like that. I must have gotten sleepy as I dozed off. I haven't actually met anyone here as all contact is done through little slots in the wall. We are paid in electronic script, which is good for ordering things from our pipe store that are delivered through a series of pneumatic tubes. There are mirrors everywhere. Sometimes I think people are watching me. I got a memo about not going near the mirrors. It makes me feel safe. It's secure employment though. I have them by the short hairs.. ..two year contract! Boy did I get the better of them.

Lewinski trivia answers.....(1)- Club Monaco Glaze, (2)- Louisiana, (3)-$90-185......And a special note to all you "lurkers" out there, please feel free to send in your suggestions..."set yourself free"...Until next week, your undying light at the end of the cultural tunnel.. .. The Unknown Poster

DISCLAIMER
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BuzzFile - Week Ending Feb 9, 2001
Think Superman is full of himself? Think Batman needs to "get over it?" You are not alone and welcome to The Buzz.....Items can be sent to PipeBombNews with the word BUZZ in the subject line or email me directly..... I want to welcome JJ back to the US from his stint in Europe. Rumor has it he was bleaching sparrows and selling them as canaries to Welch coal miners and Euro-trash PETA activists......I'm still trying to get to the bottom of it.....Speaking of PETA, if you haven't heard their singing cows yet, you're missing something.. "we want to stay together we don't want to be your leather"...makes me hungry!...... Before we get going I have some late breaking bad news to report. Goth rocker Marilyn Manson will not be reprising Gene Wilder's role in the Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory remake that director Tim "Sleepy Hollow" Burton is doing. "I see Willy Wonka as Satan ...." Manson is quoted as saying...... I can't wait to see Burton's vision of the Oompa Loompas. ......People For The Ethical Treatment of Oompas, PETOL are already stamping their little feet.......This is one film shoot I will be following for you and as WW said in the original - "The suspense is terrible....I hope it'll last".

POLITICS
JESSE JACKSON:

Bomber gto posted the following this week on a Jesse money scandal thread and it was just too good not to lead with:

>>> > > Due to the great consternation caused by the revelation of my act of >> > > procreation, I accept my obligation to give an explanation to the >> > > population for my act of copulation. I gave in to temptation, for the >> > > anticipation of sexual gratification, that I could not obtain through >> > > masturbation, which resulted in my fornication. I accepted her >> > > invitation, and provided her with excitation, stimulation, >penetration, >> > > replication, and liberation. She provided lubrication (to avoid >> > > inflammation) and I wore condoms to avoid contamination. She cried >for >> > > duplication but I insisted upon termination, in spite of her >fascination >> > > with variation. >> > > >> > > This has caused me great aggravation, and the agitation and >provocation >> > > of the media has resulted in my humiliation, denigration, and >> > > degradation. My wife is considering castration, which would require >my >> > > hospitalization. Pray that this matter will find culmination in my >> > > sanctification and rehabilitation so that my plans for nomination to >my >> > > ultimate vocation will not result in revocation and termination. I >hope >> > > this proclamation has provided illumination and verification and will >> > > prohibit further provocation.

That's not all Jesse has to worry about these days. Just what is he doing hanging around a suspicious Division Street Bathhouse in Chicago...hmmmm......Buzz beat Chicago little birdies are hinting of television crews staking it out. Pity the poor young reporter picked to go undercover........This story isn't hot, it's steaming.....all I can say is stay out da saunas.

THE ARKANSAS HILLBILLIES:

JoeLieberman, no not the real one, but our own Piper had the Hillary bashing quote of the week. "Well that witch from NY landed in the Senate rotunda finally, God what a shiksa! If I had to wake up to that collagen infused face every morning I would certainly join the Log Cabin Republicans, that's for sure." ...... Ouch! I like her new look myself. ....... A close second to Brynna7 for finding this picture.....Naughty naughty!...... lauratealeaf was a little more diplomatic recently and posted: "She must have a bad shower head, like Jerry Seinfeld did in one of the funniest shows of the series". Maybe it is just a "Prell" problem. Remember Hill, it's lather, rinse,THEN repeat....in the interest of fairness, I would be happy to quote from our posters on the left in defence, but since the latest round of scandles broke....they are hard to find.

There goes the neighborhood........
Something not on the news Pipers is just who Bill will be sharing his new digs with on 57th Ave..... at your expense. Did he just like the view from the Carnegie Hall Tower?...... well he's not talking, but the directory in the lobby sure is. Fellow tenants are going to be:

Former Viacom and HBO chief executive Frank Biondi, music-industry power broker Allen Grubman is on the 30th floor. Jerry Seinfeld is in negotiations to lease the 55th floor right under Clinton. Can't you vision Seinfield under his office poking the ceiling with a broom...."hey, quiet down up there".

Barry Diller, USA Networks' offices on the 42nd floor. Entertainment executive Frank Biondi is now a venture capitalist on 46. Stanley Jaffe, of The Accused, is on 52. Director Robert (Kramer vs. Kramer) Benton is on 26. Allen Grubman's law firm represents everyone from Madonna to Springsteen, is on 30 and 31. Mr. Case and Mr. Pittman of AOL, have offices on the 27th floor. Hedge-fund manager Mark Kingdon is on 50. Celebrities from Chris Rock to Arsenio Hall share the elevators and building intercom wasssss upppp banter.

"It's a building for currently successful scoundrels …. You have to have the money, but it's not really high-class." the Observer is quoting a NY broker as saying.

Buzz is that the other tenants have gotten over their initial star shock of having Bill for a neighbor and have figured out that intense FBI security checks will have to be done on all of them including their staff.....look for several FOR RENT signs in the windows.........should make for some interesting building meetings.....

Must have been the neighbors that ran Tina Brown out of the building to take her not so hot anymore "Talk Magazine" to low rent space. Then again, Bill and company are setting up shop in her old office space.....swapping one set of trash for another? Chat room traffic is wondering if WJC wants to be the new JFKjr dandy of NYC. Sorry Bill, the Kennedys' made their money honestly in bootlegging, not White House yard sales to China. As Kitten stated on a thread recently "they will be seated next to the kitchen" most everywhere they go. New Yorkers, like children, can be so cruel......Thanks to clay for posting where Bill Inc., is getting his foundation money. Can you say Denise Rich? ....sure, I knew you could.....Sounds like Billy Bob is making his move on the entertainment industry via his Rich B*****.

Meow
Rep Dan Burton (R) thought he was going to grab all the headlines with his call for an investigation on Billy's new sugar mamma. No so fast.......Sen Arlen"Ira Einhorn" Specter (R-PA) smelled ink and wants in on the Denise Rich investigation as well. All Burton could say was "I wish him well"...ya right. ...Maybe W should concentrate on his own back yard for a while instead of munching popcorn with TK.

JEB AND KATHERINE:

"Oh the weather outside is frightful" .... Fun in the snow with her ex? Has Katherine been making snow angels with the enemy? You be the judge. Her snow man ex pulled off the ol' damsel in distress bit saving her. Katherine and her mysterious case of the slope vapors aside, let's just hope Jeb has plenty of ice cream in the refrigerator. He might need some consolation. "Theirs was a love that transcended time, ran roughshod over moral dogmas, guffawed in the face of adversity, rent asunder the shackles of social convention and took a sledgehammer to the crumbling walls of religious doctrine: a passionate love, a tender love, a selfless love, an undying love."....sheesh...now they have me doing it.

TECH
For those using Juno, and there are millions, you just might wanna take a teeny tiny look at the fine print at the bottom of the I ACCEPT button. You will be agreeing to downloading their software that will replace your screensaver and you will be giving a right to: "initiate a telephone connection from your computer to Juno's central computers" anytime they want. There are also worries that third parties can also gain access......... "JUMP"...."might as well Jump!". Van Halen was blaring from loudspeakers as a hacker broke into a Nebraska police broadcast while a man was threatening to leap from an overpass. Police Chief Don Carey wants to know who did it. Here is a clue for you Chief.....check the high school......Bad hacker!.......Bill, the ultimate white guilt guy, Gates is feeling the need to connect with the rest of us and wants to play a game. You can go head to head with him on a stock picking contest......winner gets $5,000......sounds like a fair game to me. Details on MSN....wait a minute....he owns MSN.

CALIFORNIA
CALIFORNIA HERE I COME:
You might be thinking this section is devoted to the energy crisis......yawn......No pipers there is another storm brewing in the land of milk and honey. I'm talking about Mickey, Donald and Goofyville. Disneyland is opening it's long awaited "California Adventure" today. One thing many are wondering......why have a California Adventure in California? For the price of the family ticket, you can drive to the real thing. California wine and cheese industries are wringing their hands at the idea of expansion of "California Adventure" into the Euro-Disney park.......Imagine introducing the French to real wine and cheese.

Silicon Valley is absolutely fuming that there is no attraction celebrating the high-tech industry. The Dot-com Ghost Town has been suggested. Rumors of unrest are boiling over in the city by the bay city with an always vocal special interest group. They are complaining there is no nod to them in the park. I'm not saying who they are, but let's just say they aren't Boy Scouts......... There are more important things to give the suits gray hair though. Apparently one of the rides caught on fire and the park had to be evacuated during a trial run at the IMAX. In this case it was OK to yell fire in the theater. For those that are familiar with the Disney parks, word is it isn't all that different from other parks. For instance, the Bugs life and Muppet rides are copies from Orlando as are others. Pipers are hinting on suggested attractions for the park. "Donald Duck's Crazy Crack House" and "Drive By Street" seem to be the leaders. DINING: The ABC Soap Opera Bistro on Main Street will allow you to eat in a mock up of the emergency room of General Hospital......I just hope they didn't get too creative with the table ware.....at least they lifted the ban on alcohol.....$43.00 per person....and that's just in the door.

Main park has it's worries too.....
Recently a glitch in the lovable Pirates of the Caribbean ride caused a woman and baby to, shall we say, have a bad experience. "Yo ho ho...A pirates life for me"......Maybe it had something to do with Pirate Karma as the ride was politically correctized. Now the plundering pirates are chasing the women of the town offering flowers instead of.....well, you know......Just how old is that ride anyway?.........Heads will be turning, Linda Blair 360s, at the new nightly parade starting April 1st. For some reason Disney execs have decided to do away with the cute family oriented Electrical Parade with dancing characters.......Oh there will be characters all right, but dead ones brought back to life by high tech Star Trek like lights........let my Sleeping Beauty creature live............some are wondering if they are going to pull Walt out of the freezer and defrost him. The pay-per-view revenue would be excellent!......lets see now, there are Gay days at the park, man as life giving God through technology in the parades, the park is now politically correct.......It's only a matter of time until Transvestite day appears on the program.......there is already a move being made by anti gun groups to stop the Jungle ride from shooting blanks at the hippos.......For fun, call their park office and try to get an official tour for your in uniform Boy Scout troop these days......the magic has been fading for years........

HOLLYWIERD

Even more problems for ABCDISNEY
Johnny Knoxville, star of the MTV series "Jackass," dropped out of a starring role in a pilot for Disney-owned ABC. He left only days after Sen. Joe "sore looserman" Lieberman, D. Conn., (remember him) called "Jackass" "irresponsible" and demanded the show be taken off the air or toned down. Joe Lieberman calling "Jackass" irresponsible. Nuff said.

SURVIVOR II:
MrPeabody our ex-patriot living Down Under was hinting on a recent thread that "he heard" that the Survivor II cast was living in "caravans" while the cameras were off. Well, all I know is I'm proud of our American survivalists. My bookie, er....source in Vegas, says the money is moving off of Rodger toward Jerri.....I'm not issuing a buy order yet, but stay tuned. Survivor quote of note: "It's a mammal, I can't do it," Kimmi, the annoying Survivor chick. on being offered cow brains. All was not lost, as in the end, the echo of "The Ogakor tribe has just lost the immunity challenge. Kucha rules!" could be heard thundering through the Australian Outback. Survivor Elisabeth Filarski is causing quite a stir these days as it is being said that she had a little something-to-do with all the Reebok nifty gear the Survivors are using. Could it be her internship at Reebok while she attended Boston College? People are wondering, not out loud yet, but wondering just the same about how contestants are chosen. Rumors are wild at Reebok hq. Hold all bets PipeBombers! The fix might be in.

Crusin
Tom Crusie and cutie pie wifey Nicole are on the outs according to reports and recent posting by US Visitor. But what Pipers are wanting to know.....what's the real reason? Maybe this picture of Nic that Sunny USA found explaines why she didn't "do" it for him. Bombers aren't waiting for the reason, as speculation is poor Nicole had a "Mission Impossible" from the start.....Is Tom sneaking out to buy Disco records?....Maybe the best acting Nicole has done is that of a beard......Alte Hawg wants to know in a post: "Come to think of it, why did Cruise love to make movies about the Navy. Could it be that he was attracted to all those young men in those tight, white pants. Or perhaps it was the snug living quarters aboard ship.".....talk has Tommy boy playing "Top Gun" with Richard "man-candy" Gere....but would it work? Two decorators in a house might be one too many......Late Wednesday Tommy made it official amid even more rumors. This time Russell "Gladiator" Crowe on the lips of wondering celeb fans......what's to happen to the two little darling designer adopted kids they bought?......keep an eye on ebay.......time will tell.

Caged Heat
Sultry Deborah Norville traded her peek-a-boo plunging neckline for county red and white stripes this week. She joined her cell sisters to bring us, via "Inside Edition", the true day to day life of being a prisoner. "I want to find a solution" said Norville. She will be in lock down for several days and we are all waiting for the jailhouse gossip. Off camera talk is that she had to be moved to a semi-private wing of the jail as the other prisoners were getting a little hot. And I'm not talking about the TV coverage. Already elected to the celebrity "legs" hall of fame, Deborah is sure to be a hit in the day room. We can only hope there is an evil warden running a secret prisoner call girl ring and it will hit the video rentals.

WHINING CELEBRITIES:

Whitney don't bogart that joint Houston is doing her best aging song diva bit these days and people are wondering out loud just how bad her drug problem is. Her little Hawaiian vacation issue just won't go away. According to local prosecutors, Whitney doesn't "always love" living up to her court agreements. No fines have been paid and she is not submitting to court ordered evaluation. It should be all right though, I hear she is getting counseling from Robert Downey Jr (wink).

How do you follow playing God? James "The Rockford Files" Garner, and for those of you old enough, "Maverick" fame has tossed the tie-dyed Jerry Garcia garb of the hip voice of "God" of the recently departed God the Devil and Bob. James is rumored to be taking a role as a US Supreme Court Justice for a new fall show. JAG creator Don Bellisario is putting together a West Wing type drama centered on the court. One can only hope they try to adhere to the fair and balanced coverage of political views that the producers of West Wing have established. If anyone wants to send me their suggestions for casting the Supreme Court, I'll think about posting them here next week and send them on to Bellisario. Good luck James..

QUOTES:
It's almost as much fun looking at their mugshots As listening to them whine.
"Passing the vodka bottle around. And playing the guitar. I've always done the same...I eat all the wrong things, I drink all the wrong things, I smoke all the wrong things. My metabolism is that way." Keith Richards. A definite Libertarian.

"No. I don't want to be known for my coochie. If I did that, it would say that's all I've got. I want to be known for being and athlete, a writer, a sportscaster. Besides, I think most people think I'm pretty to look at like a car not a sex object." Supermodel Gavrielle Resse on posing nude. Just keep telling yourself that Gabby. More Wisdom of Supermodels.

"Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is, however, a rather archaic usage of the word. Should one of you boys happen upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you have found a lady. What you have probably found is a lesbian". Fran Lebowitz

"The great thing about L.A. is the tremendous diversity. There is no other place in America where you can see the ocean, snow and desert all from one vantage point." -- BERNARD PARKS, LAPD CHIEF.....whatcha smokin chief?

- PIPE GEMS -
KingKangaroo on 50 way to upset liberals...."Send Ted Kennedy a voucher for swimming lessons ... with a partner!" ...FROM THE SAME THREAD...... Ladybug - "Go out on a boat with an environmentalist for a day of whale watching, when you come across a pod, grab your bag of rocks start throwing them toward the whales and shout, "Go away, get out of here." ......."Stupidity is as Stupidity does" Award to these guys as 357MAGNUM posted recently.......and from the left: Erika Writes on a recent happy birthday thread to Ronald Reagan: "Bush, like Reagan, will again give the most back to those who need it the least And when shortages occur, Bush will cut social programs for the poor to make up for it. Then he will talk about how Christian he is. You'd think someone would figure out this pandering to the rich. There's no decency in it. Just corrupt greed.".....No cake for you.

LETTER OF THE WEEK:

In answer to your many, many solicitations (at least two or three), your lacrimonious importunities, and even your questions, here is the selected letter to the Buzz this week:

Dear Buzz File, My sister just married a junkie with AIDS, so my father bought a Thompson sub-machine gun on the black market, and went looking for him. The cops picked him up and sent him to jail, so my mother applied for welfare. My other two sisters went to work as streetwalkers in an effort to help support mom and me. As a result, we make too much money to be qualified for food stamps. My mother finally got a job as a chicken plucker at the local Chicken Delight Drive In. But she had to quit after a week because she found out that she was allergic to eggs. Anyway..my problem is this....should I wear a red dress or a black dress to go along with my blonde wig and purple lipstick..to look for work next week? My friends say that its just a little too much. I really value your opinion...so let me have it ! Signed, Confused

Dear confused, The important thing is you have a strong family base to rely on. Good luck.

As a certain poster on a certain other site would say "giggle giggle".....until next week.... word out....and props to our homies on Central.....Happy Birthday RR and Happy Trails Dale....Your Trashmaster The Unknown Poster.

DISCLAIMER
Any reference to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. No electrons were harmed during the creation of this article. The views expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect the views of PipeBombStaff management or their advertisers. The author would like to acknowledge and pay tribute to Stanley Kubrik, Kirk Douglas and all those who were involved with the making of the film classic "SPARTACUS". Any resemblance between the written views and those of the Pipe, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any resemblance between the below and my own views is non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.)

BuzzFile - Week Ending Feb 01, 2001
Political Gossip:
The water coolers of America are abuzz with the political/romance rumor of Jeb Bush and Katherine Harris. What started as an eighth grade girls locker room joke has been spreading....fast!
Not even the mighty PipeBombNews has been able to escape the heat. And I'm not talking about the Florida sunshine. Our own Phoenix has been waxing romantic on Harris threads with such tidbits as:

"In the fading light of a dying day filtered through the window blinds of the executive office, Jeb stood over his sleeping and spent desire . He was surprised at the serenity that filled him. In this light she looked a woman half her age, which was exactly what he wanted. Snubbing out his cigarette into a half eaten sandwich, he drew closer to her. Blowing softly below her shoulder her hair drifted like blowing snow to reveal her tattoo. He sat there tracing the J and B over and over with his finger until he could feel himself fill with desire. She must be his. He would tell her that night, when she came to him again. With wobbling knees and a swimming head, the Bush-stud rose unsteadily to his feet and approached her, like a pyroclastic flow, and ready to erupt."

When contacted, Phoenix related that his inbox is filling up with prose from other Bombers such as:

"She scuttled accross the cold tile floor in that kinky arthropodian manner that he so loved. Barefoot and bereft of modesty, her bittersweet masque in place, she drew ever nearer to Jeb, his breathing now ripping the air like a lusty locomotive. Release me from this infernal passion, oh you saucy kitty..." - Anonymous

It's hard to write that bad, but as SunnyUSA stated on a recent thread "those tanned Florida loins" can't keep their hands off each other. Jeb better watch out though, rumor has it Kate may be playing both sides of the political fence with an ex....in the snow.....brrrr........golf clap!
High Tech:
Shhhh! Here comes RumorBot. Gossip-Seeking Robots to Roam Internet ``The idea is to track and analyze, in real times, online newsgroups, chatrooms and lists,'' Stephane Perino of Agence Virtuelle told New Scientist magazine. Sending an email isn't like leaning over the backyard fence.....But that's not all to worry and fret over in the high tech world this week. AOL is rumored to be quite worried about Eastern Block countries having cracked it's Instant Messenger code.

Oh Those Whining Celebrities

Celebrity quotes of the week:
``Think about it, he's the son of a famous mum, dad and grandfather. His self-identity could be knocked constantly, because he may have to work harder to make a name for himself as a lot of people will have the attitude, 'Oh, he's from that family -- everything is an easy ride for him.'...... ``In two years' time I want to be able to take my son to the park and not have to explain why 20 people with cameras are running after us,'' Zeta-Jones said in an interview with the TV Times. - Catherine Zeta-Jones on precious Little Dylan growing up.
Jennifer Lopez On the little problem Puff Daddy is going through in court. '''My way of dealing with it is not even knowing what's going on. I don't know half the things they say or half the things they write or the rumors out there. Don't care. Don't care to know. Don't ask anybody what's going on,'' . Well she's no Marvin Gaye.
Television:
The internet water cooler is glub glubing away while couch potatoes try to pick the winner of The Australian Outback" - c'mon you know you watch! Gossip has it that the smart money in Vegas is going with Rodger. Wait a minute...smart money in Vegas? Anyway, the real question is what about Survivor III. Look for South America or African Rainforest action in the making....can't wait for the vine swinging Tarzan action myself....and remember.....you heard it here first!
Music:
A long standing musical mystery was answered this week as crooner Tom Jones finally owned up to the origin of "Delilah". ``I couldn't find a rhyme for Delia, but then I had a flash of inspiration and came up with Delilah,'' he told reporters. ``I put my heart and soul into that song -- and that is how 'Delilah' was born.'' Speaking to . Hmmm...my my my.
Movie Buzz:
There is only one word on the lips in Hollywierd this week and it's 'Hannibal'. No , not the elephant riding, town raiding, woman stealing barbarian. This conquering gourmet is the long awaited sequel to "Silence of the Lambs". Sans Jody. Directed by Ridley Scott of Alien/s/3 fame, this film is rumored to be half drama half horror. I don't want to give the film away, but think 'wild boars' starting Feb 9th. Oh, and some movie reviewers are "claiming" they received a copy of "The Joy of Cooking" along with the preview tape. As the good Doctor might say "goody - goody".
And remember Bombers....we look through the internet trash so you don't have to!

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END OF PART ONE - Next week...."The Probe"

HENNY IN THE HOSPITAL - Part One

HENNYPENNY

The "Pipebomb"Green Gardners

ENTERTAINMENT

YOU KNOW YOU ARE ADDICTED TO PBN WHEN

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MOTHER'S DAY

PIPEBOMBNEWS ANIMAL KINGDOM

What's In Your Local Paper?

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CHELSEA

- SHAKESPEARE for PIPERS -

MIR

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SURVIVOR

Kitten's Cannibals

THE PUBLISHER

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SURVIVOR - THE GAME

The first vote........

HENNYVILLE

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Disclaimer WARNING: Do not print this article. This article uses Chinese mind control fonts. No survivors were harmed during the preparation of this article.

SPOTLIGHT POSTER OF THE WEEK

SURVIVOR - PIPEBOMB STYLE

POLITICS

BEEF

Quotes in the news this week

Entertainment

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WELCOME TO HENNYVILLE

POLITICS

CULTURE

EDUCATION

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POLITICS

TECH

SHOWBIZ

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POLITICS

TECH

CALIFORNIA

HOLLYWIERD

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Oh Those Whining Celebrities

Disclaimer
WARNING: Do not print this article. This article uses Chinese mind control fonts. No survivors were harmed during the preparation of this article.